Category Archives: Genealogy

Co-dependence: The Walking Wounded, Part 2

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Healing Heartache in Family Lines

Greetings!  This week is Part 2 or our 3-part series on Co-dependence: The Walking Wounded.
If you missed Part 1, click here.

In co-dependent relationships, people put aside their own vital self-care and innate well-being and values to maintain a relationship with another person.  They often feed off the neediness of another or devote all their life’s time and attention to them.

As a reminder from Part 1, Co-dependence is not the same as becoming “one-in-purpose” like in a healthy, harmonious relationship where two people interrelate with each other without losing their sense of individual gifts, strengths and identity and without compromising their values.

I spoke about how most professionals agree that co-dependency is about the loss of self-hood.
John Bradshaw states that “Co-dependency is a condition wherein one has no inner life.  Happiness is on the outside.  Good feelings and self-validation lie on the outside. Pia Mellody’s definition of co-dependency is “a state of dis – ease whereby the authentic self is unknown or kept hidden, so that a sense of self … of mattering … of esteem and connectedness to others is distorted, creating pain and distorted relationships.”

Think about it, if we keep looking outside ourself to feel like we matter, we face an impossible task and are constantly left unsatisfied since we don’t control, but only influence, the feelings of others.  I speak more about this in my book, 3 Steppingstones to Feel Better About Yourself.

Co-dependency can leave men and women feeling like the walking wounded because
in co-dependent relationships people, including couples, who struggle with codependency often try to control each other to get what they want. Control is a form of force, therefore, it does not suit our natural, intuitive desires to bond and connect safely and securely with other individuals. Patterns of manipulation develop, and manipulation is a disguised form of force. Safe, secure bonding promotes the happiness and well-being of both people in the relationship. The force and control found within co-dependent relationships do not achieve that kind of safety and security.  It is a false bond that can seem like true connection.

In order to heal heartache in family lines, we must first understand the cause and heal, with God’s help, from the inside out. There can be many causes for the heartache, yet in this series of three messages, we are continuing our discussion of one of those causes, namely, co-dependence.

John Bradshaw in his book Homecoming points out, “To be co-dependent is to be out of touch with one’s feelings, needs and desires,” and “Co-dependence is fostered in unhealthy family systems.”

Co-dependence fosters the loss of self-identity.

As you explore co-dependency, you will notice that freedom from destructive, dead-end generational patterns and beliefs, like co-dependence, makes room for healthy, productive, life-changing progress.  The way is not always easy, but it IS possible.

Helpful Terms

Co-dependence should be distinguished as different from the inter-dependence found in healthy relationships.

It is helpful to understand the following terms and the meaning of each.

  • Dependent
  • Independent
  • Inter-dependent
  • Co-dependent

We are dependent as babies and in various degrees as we grow—In other words, we need others to be able to get what we want and need. Consider how an infant is dependent on adults to provide for their needs for food, shelter and more.
As we work toward becoming independent, we strive for self-mastery and maturity, or in other words, we seek to become fully responsible for our choices and accountable for their results.
Inter-dependence is combining our efforts with the efforts of others to achieve the highest good of all. When we are inter-dependent, we work together assertively—respecting our own feelings WHIL  respecting the feelings of others. (This is not passive and not aggressive)

It’s important to recognize that Independence and Inter-dependence are NOT Selfish

Self-care is a crucial part of renewing our own energy to bring the best we have to offer to the table of cooperative, synergistic effort.  It’s important to note that we can take time to edify, nourish and take care of our own mind, body and spirit without jeopardizing our ability to help and serve others.  Selfishness is about the attitude and focus we have in serving ourselves in relation to others. Entirely self-focused effort while interacting with others is selfish.

So, let’s discuss co-dependence again

Beth Gilbert, in an article for Everyday Health says, “If your mood, happiness, and identity is defined by another person, then you could be in a codependent relationship. The word “codependency” gets thrown around a lot: There are codependent couples, codependent companions, and codependent caretakers. But what does codependent actually mean — and is it really all that bad?

“Codependency is typically discussed in the context of substance use, where one person is abusing the substance, and he or she depends on the other person to supply money, food, or shelter. But codependency is much broader than that,” says Jonathan Becker, DO, assistant professor of clinical psychiatry at Vanderbilt University in Nashville, Tennessee.

“Codependency can be defined as any relationship in which two people become so invested in each other that they can’t function independently anymore,” Dr. Becker says. “Your mood, happiness, and identity are defined by the other person. In a codependent relationship, there is usually one person who is more passive and can’t make decisions for themselves, and a more dominant personality who gets some reward and satisfaction from controlling the other person and making decisions about how they will live.”

Codependency becomes problematic when one person is taking advantage of the other financially or emotionally,” Becker says.

Do you see any co-dependent traits in yourself?

Remember to listen to for my podcasts, Co-dependence: The Walking Wounded:, Parts 1 and Part 3.

 Need help knowing what TO do instead of following co-dependent patterns?

Access the Revitalize Your Inner Worth: Get Out of the S.L.U.D.G.E online course training to view at your own pace. Take a deeper dive into tips, tools and information that can help you make sense out of life. We put generational issues and addictive or abusive family patterns, and more, under the microscope for clarity of understanding. Our message is spreading across the globe. If you haven’t already, please go now and join the ChangeMaker Chain Breaker Phenomenon by JOINING the QUEST at FamilyTreeQuest.com so we can stay connected. We’re waiting for YOU!

As  TODAY’s ChangeMaker Chain Breakers in our family lines, we are here to create positive change in spite of any disruptions or destructive patterns in our families of origin or in spite of what may be occurring in our family now.

It is my firm conviction that each of us can ignite the light of extraordinary family purpose in ourselves and our families.  We do it by igniting the light of our own personal power to influence others for good through making principle-centered choices in order to secure the home and stabilize society.

Please check out my books, audio books and courses that can help you strengthen your ability to live beyond co-dependence.  This excerpt has been taken from the Revitalize Your Inner Worth: Get Out of the S.L.U.D.G.E. Course.  Break free and rise above destructive thought patterns, habit patterns and family patterns, so YOU can fill your highest priorities with full purpose of heart.

‘Till next time, THIS is Carolyn Calton

Click here to go to Part 3. 

***
Disclaimer: Some links in this post are affiliate links or links to my own products.
This information is for educational purposes only and is not intended to replace medical or professional care.

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

Serving people who have hidden heartaches and unresolved personal struggles, Carolyn Calton is the founder of FamilyTreeQuest.com and HealingYourFamily.com. As a ReNEW YOU Self Worth and Relationship Revitalization educator and coach, Carolyn teaches individuals and families how to turn from heartache to happiness in themselves, their families and family lines by understanding how to live true to who they really are as TODAY’s ChangeMakers. Those who join her ReNEW YOU Classes and Joyful Breakthrough Membership Circles learn how to turn stress, anxious-thinking, anger and dysfunction to hope, direction, happiness and peace. She is a teacher and facilitator of principles that can set the hearts of men and women free from the pain and chains of guilt, toxic shame and the effects of oppression. Her students are then empowered to walk forward with courage and confidence as they fill their highest priorities with stability and full purpose of heart.

Co-dependence: The Walking Wounded, Part 3

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Greetings!  This is part 3 of my 3-part message titled, Co-dependence: The Walking Wounded.

Co-dependency can leave men and women feeling like the walking wounded. John Bradshaw in his book Homecoming, says, quote“Codependency is to be out of touch with one’s feelings, needs and desires.” End quote It is fostered in unhealthy family systems.  It can go for generations without being understood or noticed. It fosters the loss of self-identity. If you feel like you don’t matter, co-dependent traits may be a large part of the cause.

It is my belief that we can change this destructive tendency in our day and age.

As a refresher, I hope you’ve had a chance to listen to Co-dependence: The Walking Wounded, Parts 1 and Part 2.

My message in Part 3 will be brief.

Now, let’s look at another sign of unhealthy co-dependence.

ENABLING

Enabling is another sign of an unhealthy co-dependence. Mary-Catherine Segota, a clinical psychologist at Counseling Resource Services in Winter Garden, Florida, describes enabling as a behavior that’s used to ease relationship tension caused by one partner’s problematic habits. Enabling behavior, which is rarely seen in healthy relationships, includes:

  • bailing your partner out0
  • repeatedly giving him or her another chance
  • ignoring the problem
  • accepting excuses
  • always being the one trying to fix the problem
  • constantly coming to the rescue

Codependent personalities usually follow a pattern of behaviors that are consistent, problematic, and directly interfere with the individual’s emotional health and ability to find fulfillment in a relationship.

Use my eBook or audio book, 3 Vital Steppingstones to Feel Better About Yourself and
find out what can lead you to having less chaotic stress and more hope and direction for a brighter future. Learn what to do and what to avoid in order to feel better about yourself.

If you are part of a dysfunctional family, in your quiet moments you may view yourself as wounded, broken, or socially impaired. Sometimes you may feel angry, hopeless, good-for-nothing, valueless. Sometimes you may overcompensate and be talkative about yourself and all your accomplishments, and yet want to hide what was oh-so-wrong with your upbringing or with your life now because it embarrasses you and you don’t want to be judged by other people. You may feel like you’re protecting someone. These are quiet, often unexpressed feelings of the heart that cause stress. People around you may never know what you really go through with these thoughts and feelings if you are getting up, going to work, or interacting with family, friends or people who simply cross your path in any way. You may appear “good at being an adult”, yet people don’t see that many times you’re playing a role and really don’t know what to do. You often feel stuck, unhappy, and you probably lacked good role models in your home of origin.

If you lived during your childhood or in your former relationships in a home full of dysfunctional behaviors playing out, or if you live now in a dysfunctional home and family, you may dread going home. You may be experiencing anxiety, depression, or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. There may be substance abuse, heated arguments, feuds, or the silent treatment going on. Psychological abuse or physical violence are all too common. Maybe your parents or you in your own home act like a dictator or were/are emotionally detached.

In dysfunctional families

  • Chaos is normal.
  • Achievements are often overlooked.
  • You feel like to need to “walk on eggshells”, be constantly alert and prepared for the worst.
  • You’re on high alert due to an unpredictable environment.
  • Apologies are rare.
  • You don’t learn how to deal with emotions in a healthy way.
  • and more

No wonder you may be out of touch with your thoughts, needs and feelings.

The good news is you have the power to make changes, and that change can start now.

You are NOT unlovable, powerless or responsible for someone else’s happiness.

You are responsible to take care of your own thoughts, feelings, attitudes, actions, values, and beliefs and let other people take care of theirs

When you try to “make” someone happy and they are not satisfied, you set yourself up for co-dependency. Notice, when you want to “make” someone be happy, can you see how the concept of “make” can lead to you taking steps to force or manipulate outcomes, as you try to control how they will feel or respond.  Most times WE are uncomfortable when they are not happy, so we’d like to do something to change that. We may be concerned about angry outbursts from them, receiving the silent treatment or so many other responses. We may also truly want them to be happy, but our feelings and interactions are really enmeshed with theirs and we often times don’t see clearly at all while determining what action to take..

So again, when you try to “make” someone happy and they are not satisfied, you set yourself up for co-dependency. Co-dependency is being excessively dependent on another person in an unhealthy way for validation, approval, or identity. Frustration and feelings of not being good enough will abound. You will place an unreasonable burden on yourself if you try to meet all the needs and expectations of others. Most often, it’s at the expense of your own well-being. Trying to control what’s impossible to control (meaning their thoughts, feelings, attitudes, actions, values, and beliefs) will only result in misery.

What you DO have is influence.

You’ll be happier when you foster healthy relationships. That effort does involve supporting each other’s happiness while recognizing and respecting each other’s individuality and right to make choices for themselves.

Among other things, you can:

  • Support and encourage others.
  • Care about and love them.
  • Create a nurturing environment.
  • Set healthy personal boundaries.
  • Practice empathy.
  • Focus on self-care.
  • Practice assertive communication.

Your job is to do YOUR job, nothing more!  Take care of your own thoughts, feelings, attitudes, actions, values, and beliefs and let other people take care of theirs. It’s an effort worth making,

My books, audio books and courses are designed to help you strengthen your ability to live beyond co-dependence.  Part of this excerpt has been taken from the Revitalize Your Inner Worth: Get Out of the S.L.U.D.G.E. Course.  You may also want to check out How to Be of Service Without Getting Hooked (meaning Getting Hooked into losing your own sense of inner worth by getting hooked into guilt, confusion, rejection, self-doubt, frustration, resentment, and depression. In it, I teach the life-changing materials of Marriage and Family Therapist and Ph.D., Ronald A Newsom. The video presentation will help you learn how to Think and Act with positive intent, regardless of the circumstances you encounter.

Let me help you break free and rise above destructive thought patterns, habit patterns and family patterns, so YOU can fill your highest priorities with full purpose of heart.

‘Till next time, THIS is Carolyn Calton

***
Disclaimer: Some links in this post are affiliate links or links to my own products.
This information is for educational purposes only and is not intended to replace medical or professional care.

 

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

Serving people who have hidden heartaches and unresolved personal struggles, Carolyn Calton is the founder of FamilyTreeQuest.com and HealingYourFamily.com. As a ReNEW YOU Self Worth and Relationship Revitalization educator and coach, Carolyn teaches individuals and families how to turn from heartache to happiness in themselves, their families and family lines by understanding how to live true to who they really are as TODAY’s ChangeMakers. Those who join her ReNEW YOU Classes and Joyful Breakthrough Membership Circles learn how to turn stress, anxious-thinking, anger and dysfunction to hope, direction, happiness and peace. She is a teacher and facilitator of principles that can set the hearts of men and women free from the pain and chains of guilt, toxic shame and the effects of oppression. Her students are then empowered to walk forward with courage and confidence as they fill their highest priorities with stability and full purpose of heart.

Mary and Joseph

Christmas Eve Traditions and Recipes

Each year on Christmas Eve, I’m delighted to share some of the Christmas Eve traditions I’ve experienced with my family in years gone by, as well as a few recipes.

Traditions

In my childhood, there was just me and my mom and dad.  Throughout the season, as well as on Christmas Eve, we would watch Christmas shows and Christmas specials on television.  I especially enjoyed the Musical specials–including Andy Williams–and we loved to Sing Along With Mitch!  When I was around age 11, we began reading the Christmas story from the Bible and I would place the figures of Mary and Joseph, the baby Jesus, and the shepherd in a diorama I had received at church. Always on Christmas Eve, I was able to select one gift from under the tree to be opened that night.  There was a fire in the fireplace, and I remember enjoying the feeling of that special night together.

Many years later, after my marriage and when my children were young and we lived in the Long Beach, Lakewood, Ontario and Palmdale areas of California, we’d go to the home of my in-laws for a celebration.  There were varied main dishes and desserts. Each of their three children and I, along with each grandchild, received a Christmas stocking stuffed to the brim with small surprises–which we all opened that evening.  Many surprises included items from Avon– for which my mother-in-law was a representative.  It is a warm and wonderful memory for us now.

We enjoyed some celebrations with our Murphy side of the family, usually at other times during the season when we were in California.

Later in life, on other Christmas Eves, especially in Arizona while I was raising my children, I simplified.  We always had a little spiritual program Christmas Eve night followed by fun, songs or games when we were at our own home.  We had a traditional dinner of Enchilada Pie (a tradition that began with Grandma Mary Jane Kilgore), tossed green salad with Ranch dressing, tortilla chips, and Uncle Chuck Murphy’s Salsa most years.  Grandma Kilgore’s Lemon Cake drizzled with a lemon glaze usually followed.

A Cherished Memory

I remember the year my mom’s health was rapidly declining, and she was passing away.  Her kidneys were failing and she was experiencing congestive heart failure. Mom also had breast cancer. My youngest daughter, Marissa (age 8), was praying that she would be with us until Christmas.  When she shared with me her sincere desire, expressed in prayer, I said something like, “Oh no, Sweetheart, we need to let her pass when she’s ready.  It’s not good for her to stay with us all that time until Christmas.”  I quickly went to the copy shop, in September of the year 2000, and made paper copies of Christmas songs we could sing around my mom’s bedside.

Shortly thereafter, we sang Christmas carols to her and got to pre-celebrate our last Christmas together with song and with love in our hearts for that gentle, kind, loving, other’s-focused soul whom I was privileged to call my mother.  I know that that was a very holy time for all of us.  Earth and heaven seemed very intertwined.

Gratitude

I’m grateful that Jesus Christ was born, filled His mission on earth, and was resurrected—overcoming both physical and spiritual death and bridging the gap for us between earth and heaven again.  Making it possible for us to also return, as He did, to live with our Heavenly Father once more.  Because of Him, death will have no sting, and I will be able to see my mom, dad and other friends and family again someday.  For me, in Christ, there is both hope and peace.  I am very grateful.

Recipes

Here’s our recipes in case you’d like to try them.

ENCHILADA PIE

Grandma Mary Jane Kilgore’s recipe from Lawry’s.
We used this on Christmas Eve.

Lawry’s Enchilada Sauce Mix packet                                    Ripe olives

1 pound ground beef or ground turkey                              1 can tomato sauce – 8 oz.

1 medium onion, chopped                                                       6 corn tortillas

1 clove garlic, minced                                                                2 cups shredded cheese

2 T. margarine or butter                                                          2/3 cup water

1 tsp. Salt                                                                                      ¼ tsp. pepper

In a saucepan combine Enchilada sauce mix, 1 can (8 oz.), 2 ½  cups water.  Blend well.  Bring to a boil, reduce heat and simmer, uncovered for 15 minutes, stirring occasionally.  Set aside.

Sauté ground meat, onion and garlic in the margarine or butter.  Stir in Enchilada sauce, olives, salt and pepper.

Butter corn tortillas.  Layer in buttered, round Pyrex casserole dish in this order:

Tortilla
Sauce
Grated cheese

Repeat until the 6 tortillas are used, and pour the remaining sauce over all.

Pour 2/3 cup water at the edge of the casserole into the bottom.

Cover the top with the rest of the cheese. (We use Cheddar cheese)

Bake in a 400 degree oven for 40 minutes.  Serves at least 6.

UNCLE CHUCK MURPHY’S SALSA
We used this on Christmas Eve, too.

1 packet Italian dressing mix                                    1 medium can chopped or sliced olives

1 small can diced green chili                                     3-4 green onions

2 fresh tomatoes, diced                                             cilantro to taste

1 large can diced tomatoes                                       1-2 cups grated Jack cheese

Empty diced tomatoes into a bowl.  Add dry Italian dressing mix, diced green chili (to taste), fresh diced tomatoes, olives, and green onions.  This mixture can sit in the refrigerator at least ½ hour or more to blend flavors.  Add cilantro and grated cheese just before serving.

I also found myself busy make Ham and Egg Souffle (that sets overnight)
to pop in the oven first thing in the morning.

HAM AND EGG SOUFFLE

1 dozen eggs                                                                    2 tsp. Salt

12 slices white bread                                                     3 c. cubed ham

4 c. milk                                                                           3 c. Cheddar cheese

1 ½  tsp. Dry mustard

Beat eggs until fluffy.  Cut crusts from bread: cube.  Place bread in a 9 x 14 inch Pyrex (buttered) dish.  Add 4 cups milk to eggs.  Dissolve l ½  teaspoons dry mustard in a little water and add to egg mixture.  Add salt and chopped ham: mix.  Pour over bread.  Let set overnight.  In the morning, add 3 cups Cheddar cheese as a topping and bake at 350 degrees for 55 minutes.

This was started by H. Aileen Calton (my mom) as a traditional Christmas morning breakfast.  Many family members now serve this with a cinnamon roll, orange slice, and orange juice, apple juice and/or hot chocolate with marshmallows.  Place it in the oven while the gifts are being opened and breakfast is ready at just the right time.

Note:  Aileen obtained the recipe when Carolyn was young in a Church Relief Society Visiting Teaching handout which was prepared for delivery to each ward (congregation) member by their Visiting Teachers.

Have a heartwarming and very Merry Christmas!
Carolyn

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

Serving people who have hidden heartaches and unresolved personal struggles, Carolyn Calton is the founder of FamilyTreeQuest.com and HealingYourFamily.com. As a ReNEW YOU Self Worth and Relationship Revitalization educator and coach, Carolyn teaches individuals and families how to turn from heartache to happiness in themselves, their families and family lines by understanding how to live true to who they really are as TODAY’s ChangeMakers. Those who join her ReNEW YOU Classes and Joyful Breakthrough Membership Circles learn how to turn stress, anxious-thinking, anger and dysfunction to hope, direction, happiness and peace. She is a teacher and facilitator of principles that can set the hearts of men and women free from the pain and chains of guilt, toxic shame and the effects of oppression. Her students are then empowered to walk forward with courage and confidence as they fill their highest priorities with stability and full purpose of heart.

Family Traditions. ReNEW YOU Red Healing Heartache In Family Lines Header with URLs

Traditions That Help, Rather Than Hurt, Families

Traditions and personal freedom

Traditions directly link to personal freedom. It would be wise to make choices connected to our traditions, that will help, and not hurt, ourselves and our families.  Freedom from destructive, dead-end generational patterns and beliefs makes room for healthy, productive, life-changing progress.  The way is not always easy, but it IS possible.

A word about tradition

Maybe you remember the movie Fiddler on the Roof.
An online film synopsis states that the movie “tells the life-affirming story of Tevye, a poor milkman [with five daughters] whose love, pride and faith help him face the oppression of turn-of-the century czarist Russia.  Set in 1905, their lives seemed as precarious as ‘a fiddler on the roof.”

In these memorable lines from the movie, Tevye says,

 “A fiddler on the roof. Sounds crazy, no? But in our little village of Anatevka, you might say every one of us is a fiddler on the roof, trying to scratch out a pleasant, simple tune without breaking his neck. It isn’t easy. You may ask, why do we stay up here if it’s so dangerous? We stay because Anatevka is our home. And how do we keep our balance? That I can tell you in a word—tradition!

Because of our traditions, we’ve kept our balance for many, many years. Here in Anatevka we have traditions for everything—how to eat, how to sleep, how to wear clothes. For instance, we always keep our heads covered and always wear a little prayer shawl. This shows our constant devotion to God. You may ask, how did this tradition start? I’ll tell you—I don’t know! But it’s a tradition. Because of our traditions, everyone knows who he is and what God expects him to do.”

Help, don’t hurt

Because traditions become such an inherent part of us and they are followed and accepted, often without thinking about it, it may be hard to evaluate between their constructive or destructive impact in our lives.  They’re simply familiar!  We want to help and not hurt ourselves and others, therefore, it’s incumbent upon each of us to find ways to cherish and value positive traditions from our ethnic, cultural, or national heritages.  Yet, we must be mindful of those that tear down and destroy self-worth and relationships and find the courage and tenacity to create more positive results instead. This is what truly benefits humanity.  After all, isn’t it right that each generation improve and build better, brighter tomorrows as they stand on the shoulders of those who came before them?  Usually, that’s what our ancestors would want so that their sacrifices would not have been in vain.

Some traditions that tear down rather than build up individuals and families are:

  • Any tradition in which control or dominion is exerted one against another individual or group
  • Traditions that breed addiction
  • Anything based on the power of force
  • Looking down on others due one’s so-called station in life, their ethnicity or feelings of superiority
  • Anything that breeds conflict one person or one group against another
  • Traditions that lead to prejudice, jealousy, hatred, lack of forgiveness, greed, and so forth
  • Traditions that foster harsh words and criticisms, contentions, bickering and sarcasm

In our busy world, some of our positive traditions are part of activities where we can spend meaningful, healthy, uplifting time with our family members.

Dieter F. Uchtdorf puts it nicely when he says, “If we fail to give our best personal self and undivided time to those who are truly important to us, one day we will regret it.” “Let us resolve to cherish those we love by spending meaningful time with them, doing things together and cultivating treasured memories.”

Elevate your traditions

Making a break from the chains of false or destructive traditions can be hard. There can be naysayers and those who criticize or persecute. Some friends or family members may turn away or argue that you’re wrong—possibly causing self-doubts or fears.  But, I believe, that deep within us there is an inner knowing of what is ours to do, and if elevating a tradition for ourselves and future generations is part of our life’s mission, then we will find he wherewithal to stay the course.

When the effort to change traditions becomes hard, remember that at birth, your spirit came from the presence of God—as the poet Wordsworth says, “trailing clouds of glory”.  So, your ultimate Heritage of Wholeness comes from you being HIS son or HIS daughter. Therefore, the wisest course of action is to remain loyal to traditions that accurately reflect His teachings.  Those decisions will bring you true happiness and the greatest inner peace.

After all, we want to find ways to preserve our past without compromising our present.  Sometimes that takes a change at the level of tradition, and breaking destructive traditions can seem like you are no longer loyal to the family—which can be extremely painful.  Sometimes breaking those patterns can feel like we’re abandoning the family rather than improving the family for the sake of the living as well as those yet to come into your family line. This too, must be seen in the light of truth, or the fear of abandonment can shut you down.

YOU are TODAY’s ChangeMaker!

As TODAY’s ChangeMakers in our family lines, we are here to create positive change in spite of any disruptions or destructive patterns in our families of origin or in spite of what may be occurring in our family now.

Each of us can ignite the light of extraordinary family purpose in ourselves and our families.  We do it by igniting the light of our own personal power to influence others for good through making principle-centered choices, in order to secure the home and stabilize society.

Check out these class offerings that can help you strengthen your ability to live according to the principles that govern happiness in yourself and in your relationships.  This excerpt has been taken from the Revitalize Your Inner Worth: Get Out of the S.L.U.D.G.E. Class.  Break free and rise above destructive thought patterns, habit patterns and family patterns, so YOU can fill your highest priorities with full purpose of heart.

CLICK HERE to see all free presentations and class offerings.

References:
[“Fiddler on the Roof,” in Great Musicals of the American Theatre, ed. Stanley Richards, vol. 1 (Radnor, Pennsylvania: Chilton Book Company, 1973), p. 393]

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

Serving people who have hidden heartaches and unresolved personal struggles, Carolyn Calton is the founder of FamilyTreeQuest.com and HealingYourFamily.com. As a ReNEW YOU Self Worth and Relationship Revitalization educator and coach, Carolyn teaches individuals and families how to turn from heartache to happiness in themselves, their families and family lines by understanding how to live true to who they really are as TODAY’s ChangeMakers. Those who join her ReNEW YOU Classes and Joyful Breakthrough Membership Circles learn how to turn stress, anxious-thinking, anger and dysfunction to hope, direction, happiness and peace. She is a teacher and facilitator of principles that can set the hearts of men and women free from the pain and chains of guilt, toxic shame and the effects of oppression. Her students are then empowered to walk forward with courage and confidence as they fill their highest priorities with stability and full purpose of heart.

Dead-end traditions. ReNEW YOU Healing Heartache green header with picture of a family tree

Family Trees: Inter-generational Patterns and You

Personal and Family freedom:  Heal yourself to heal your Family

Freedom from destructive, dead-end generational patterns and beliefs makes room for healthy, productive, life-changing progress.  The way is not always easy, but it IS possible.

Especially at holiday time where traditions take center stage:

Do know that family patterns and belief systems are at work influencing your life today?

How is that so?

Why does it matter?

Parents influence our habits, skills, values, language, mannerisms, the way we treat others and more. Our ancestors have passed down their own perceptions about life, love and happiness (among a myriad of other things) to their children for many generations.  Whether we know it or not, we are influenced by their ways of thinking, behaving and believing.

How Your Inter-generational Family Influences Your Life Today

It’s important to recognize that we all have perceptions in our present day that have largely been influenced by our inter-generational family. These include perceptions about people, relationships, education, service, religion, devotions to family, devotion to country, and so forth. These perceptions are like seeds that grow into our family patterns and belief systems.

In her book, Feelings Buried Alive Never Die, Karol Truman said, “The perceptions that created our beliefs, and the degree to which they were validated, soon determined the PATTERN, or the road map, which we have followed throughout our life.”

Why It Matters

Your own perceptions of life, love and happiness then influence every daily choice you make.  Like smooth stones cast into a perfectly still lake, your choices, both positive and negative, influence many generations after you through their ripple effect. What happens in your home then extends to society and impacts society and the world, therefore, it is imperative that you pay attention to what happens in your home.

I once penned this little verse:
Secure the home, secure society.
Stabilize the home, stabilize society.
Don’t let chaos reign supreme.
~Carolyn Calton

As TODAY’s ChangeMakers in our family lines, we are here to create positive change in spite of any disruptions or destructive patterns in our families of origin or in spite of what may be occurring in our family now.

Each of us can ignite the light of extraordinary family purpose in ourselves and our families.  We do it by igniting the light of our own personal power to influence others for good through making principle-centered choices, in order to secure the home and stabilize society.

Check out these class offerings that can help you strengthen your ability to live according to the principles that govern happiness in yourself and in your relationships.  This blog post excerpt has been taken from the Revitalize Your Inner Worth: Get Out of the S.L.U.D.G.E. Class.  Break free and rise above destructive thought patterns, habit patterns and family patterns, so YOU can fill your highest priorities with full purpose of heart.

CLICK HERE to see all free presentations and class offerings.

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

Serving people who have hidden heartaches and unresolved personal struggles, Carolyn Calton is the founder of FamilyTreeQuest.com and HealingYourFamily.com. As a ReNEW YOU Self Worth and Relationship Revitalization educator and coach, Carolyn teaches individuals and families how to turn from heartache to happiness in themselves, their families and family lines by understanding how to live true to who they really are as TODAY’s ChangeMakers. Those who join her ReNEW YOU Classes and Joyful Breakthrough Membership Circles learn how to turn stress, anxious-thinking, anger and dysfunction to hope, direction, happiness and peace. She is a teacher and facilitator of principles that can set the hearts of men and women free from the pain and chains of guilt, toxic shame and the effects of oppression. Her students are then empowered to walk forward with courage and confidence as they fill their highest priorities with stability and full purpose of heart.

Create a Bountiful Harvest of Goodness in Your Family

My Yearly Harvest-time Tip:
Create a bountiful harvest of goodness.  Yes, you!

Dieter F, Uchtdorf has said, “Perhaps you don’t consider yourself all that useful; perhaps you don’t consider yourself a blessing in somebody’s life.  Often, when we look at ourselves, we see only our limitations and deficiencies.  We might think we have to be “more” of something for God to use us—more intelligent, more wealthy, more charismatic, more talented, more spiritual.  Blessings will come not so much because of your abilities but because of your choices. And the God of the universe will work within and through you, magnifying your humble efforts for his purposes.  How encouraging it is to know, though we are imperfect, if our hearts are turned to God, He will be generous and kind and use us for His purposes.  No matter your position in your community…, God will use you, if you are wiling.  He will magnify your righteous desires and turn the compassionate actions you sow into a bountiful harvest of goodness.

If you need help getting a grip by discovering or revitalizing your inner sense of self-worth, check out this class training:  Revitalize Your Inner Worth: Get Out of the S.L.U.D.G.E.
1) The COMPLETE class is designed for deeply discouraged or highly frustrated men and women who have experienced the disruptive ripple effects of divorce, mistreatment, addiction and/or abuse in themselves (as a child or adult), or in their family or family lines.
2) The MINI CLASS zeros in on the basics of elevating thought patterns, habit patterns and family patterns.
Check out all my class offerings by CLICKING HERE.

 

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

Serving people who have hidden heartaches and unresolved personal struggles, Carolyn Calton is the founder of FamilyTreeQuest.com and HealingYourFamily.com. As a ReNEW YOU Self Worth and Relationship Revitalization educator and coach, Carolyn teaches individuals and families how to turn from heartache to happiness in themselves, their families and family lines by understanding how to live true to who they really are as TODAY’s ChangeMakers. Those who join her ReNEW YOU Classes and Joyful Breakthrough Membership Circles learn how to turn stress, anxious-thinking, anger and dysfunction to hope, direction, happiness and peace. She is a teacher and facilitator of principles that can set the hearts of men and women free from the pain and chains of guilt, toxic shame and the effects of oppression. Her students are then empowered to walk forward with courage and confidence as they fill their highest priorities with stability and full purpose of heart.

I Owe All Things to God

My mother, now deceased, is precious to me and very dear to my heart.  Her maiden name was Greenhalgh.

While reading the personal history of one of my relatives, I remembered what was written in Latin on the Greenhalgh Family Coat of arms.

“I owe all things to God.”

Thankfully, that is something my mother taught me to see and recognize and appreciate throughout my life.

I have learned through my own experience that I do–owe all things to God, that is.  His grace, mercy and guidance have sustained me.  It’s because of Him that I can even draw my breath each day.  It’s because of Him I have eyes to see, ears to hear, and so much more. The inscription on that coat of arms fills me with joy because I sense the truth of the statment.  It helps me know I am anchored to ancestors that appreciated the goodness of God, and it inspires me to want to know more about their personal stories of trials an triumph.

Do you have an inscription on a Family Coat of Arms or a statement of purpose for your family now?

Today’s Spiritual Vitality Tip:  Take time to ponder how YOU owe all things to God.  Write your thoughts in your journal, or share your thoughts with a loved one.

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Need help healing heartache in yourself, your family or family lines?  CLICK HERE.

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

Serving people who have hidden heartaches and unresolved personal struggles, Carolyn Calton is the founder of FamilyTreeQuest.com and HealingYourFamily.com. As a ReNEW YOU Self Worth and Relationship Revitalization educator and coach, Carolyn teaches individuals and families how to turn from heartache to happiness in themselves, their families and family lines by understanding how to live true to who they really are as TODAY’s ChangeMakers. Those who join her ReNEW YOU Classes and Joyful Breakthrough Membership Circles learn how to turn stress, anxious-thinking, anger and dysfunction to hope, direction, happiness and peace. She is a teacher and facilitator of principles that can set the hearts of men and women free from the pain and chains of guilt, toxic shame and the effects of oppression. Her students are then empowered to walk forward with courage and confidence as they fill their highest priorities with stability and full purpose of heart.

emotional vitality tip of the day on white tile-like background

Need Emotional Vitality? Use your journal!

ReNEW YOU Emotional Vitality Tip of the Day.  Use your journal!

Turning Pain Into Purpose

Whether you grew up in an intact family or were born into a family that feels broken and full of destructive tendencies and influences, I think we can all agree that somewhere, deep inside us, there is a desire to leave our life story better than we found it.  Somehow, each of us wants to know that our life has meaning and purpose and that our personal existence makes a positive difference in the world.

JOURNALriffic guided-journaling is a perfect match for the needs of those who have experienced the ripple effects of divorce, mistreatment, addiction or abuse.

Harness the power of journaling using the 4 Steps of Discovery!
Get your copy of JOURNALriffic NOW!

*****
Disclosure of Material Connection: In accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising,” I am disclosing that I am the author of JOURNALriffic, and I’m an affiliate of Amazon.

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

Serving people who have hidden heartaches and unresolved personal struggles, Carolyn Calton is the founder of FamilyTreeQuest.com and HealingYourFamily.com. As a ReNEW YOU Self Worth and Relationship Revitalization educator and coach, Carolyn teaches individuals and families how to turn from heartache to happiness in themselves, their families and family lines by understanding how to live true to who they really are as TODAY’s ChangeMakers. Those who join her ReNEW YOU Classes and Joyful Breakthrough Membership Circles learn how to turn stress, anxious-thinking, anger and dysfunction to hope, direction, happiness and peace. She is a teacher and facilitator of principles that can set the hearts of men and women free from the pain and chains of guilt, toxic shame and the effects of oppression. Her students are then empowered to walk forward with courage and confidence as they fill their highest priorities with stability and full purpose of heart.

Fighting silhouette of couple fighting and sad teens and child on brown background about disrupted families

Disrupted Families: Divorce, Mistreatment, Abuse

Have your life been touched by the disruptive ripple effects of divorce as a child or adult, or mistreatment, or tremendous loss, addiction or abuse? If not, this information may be useful to a friend or family member that you care about.

Don’t forget the inter-generational influence that your ancestors have had on your parents and on you.  Sometimes learning about family disruption or trauma in generations before you will help you make sense of why things are as they’ve been in your family line.  Learning this information can help build bridges of understanding between the generations.

pink flowering tree on green spot of grass with description about how the mind is a garden

YOU hold within yourself the seeds of change. 
Re-framing your perception can change everything!

Are you forgetting that your ancestor’s stories may hold some answers for you?

Don’t forget the inter-generational influence that your ancestors have had on your parents and on you.  Sometimes learning about family disruption or trauma in generations before you will help you make sense of why things are as they’ve been in your family line.  Learning this information can help build bridges of understanding between the generations.

Start by asking questions of your living relatives. There are also free sites on the Internet where you can begin your search for information about your ancestors that may include access to stories of their lives or links to living relatives that may hold answers to some missing puzzle pieces in your own family history. One such site is Family Search. They encourage you to “find and discover yourself”. Learn where you came from, and get to know who you are.

Understanding their life stories and parts of their own history of facing adversity holds the possibility of creating a new perspective for you.  It can lead to the freedom of forgiveness, release of the past or to shifts in your point of view that can help create healing as you move forward toward living a happier, more peaceful life.

Bearing grudges, holding resentment and other negative feelings in your heart, including hatred, leads to unforgiveness, and unforgiveness is like giving someone else free rent in your head and heart.  You replay this history over and over again.

You don’t need to be close to them or trust them, but letting go of not forgiving them will free your soul to thrive. Not forgiviing only traps you in never-ending cycles of self-inflicted pain.


YOU are TODAY’s ChangeMaker In Your Disrupted Family!

As TODAY’s ChangeMakers in our family lines, we are here to create positive change in spite of any disruptions or destructive patterns in our families of origin or in spite of what may be occurring in our family now.

Each of us can ignite the light of extraordinary family purpose in ourselves and our families.  We do it by igniting the light of our own personal power to influence others for good through making principle-centered choices, in order to secure the home and stabilize society.

Check out these class offerings that can help you strengthen your ability to live according to the principles that govern happiness in yourself and in your relationships.  This excerpt has been taken from the Revitalize Your Inner Worth: Get Out of the S.L.U.D.G.E. Class.  Break free and rise above destructive thought patterns, habit patterns and family patterns, so YOU can fill your highest priorities with full purpose of heart. 

CLICK HERE to see all free presentations and class offerings.

family trees, genealogy, forgiveness, patterns, dysfunction, generational change, generational healing, family, perceptions, beliefs

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

Serving people who have hidden heartaches and unresolved personal struggles, Carolyn Calton is the founder of FamilyTreeQuest.com and HealingYourFamily.com. As a ReNEW YOU Self Worth and Relationship Revitalization educator and coach, Carolyn teaches individuals and families how to turn from heartache to happiness in themselves, their families and family lines by understanding how to live true to who they really are as TODAY’s ChangeMakers. Those who join her ReNEW YOU Classes and Joyful Breakthrough Membership Circles learn how to turn stress, anxious-thinking, anger and dysfunction to hope, direction, happiness and peace. She is a teacher and facilitator of principles that can set the hearts of men and women free from the pain and chains of guilt, toxic shame and the effects of oppression. Her students are then empowered to walk forward with courage and confidence as they fill their highest priorities with stability and full purpose of heart.

Life’s Journey Prompts-What’s Your Story?

In my opinion, there’s nothing better than journal prompts to use while recording one’s personal history.  An overwhelming task, broken down into bite-sized chunks, becomes totally manageable.

This year I am participating in the #52Stories Project from FamilySearch.org. in order to become a positive INfluence on my family’s inter-generational narrative. Will you join me?

Follow a weekly prompt to write down just one story every week for a year.  By the end of a year, you will be 52 steps and 52 stories closer to having written your personal history.

Don’t worry about missing some prompts.  Start wherever you are.

I use Personal Historian 2 Software to record and organize my personal history by topic as well as my daily journal entries.

Challenge:  Write down the details of your life to “define the dash” that exists between your birth date and death date.

Here are the #52Stories life journey prompts for January through March:

January Theme: Goals and Achievements.  Click here for questions to answer for January.

February Theme: Love and Friendship.  Click here for questions to answer for February.

March Theme: Occupations and Hobbies.  Click here for questions to answer for March.

As you write your Life’s Journey experiences  as TODAY’s ChangeMaker™

  • It will help you see and evaluate your own life more clearly.
  • It will provide INcouragement and awareness for your loved ones who come after you.
  • Family members, including your posterity, will be able to become acquainted with who you really are, not just with who you seem to be, because your thoughts and feelings will be accurate since they come straight from you
  • Some of your loved ones may be able to avoid some pitfalls because of the lessons you’ve learned and passed to them through your written words and through your experiences.
  • You are helping to light the path and lead the way for them to follow, as you gain and maintain physical, emotional and spiritual security for yourself in this topsy-turvy world.

Do not be afraid of your imperfections.  You are not your history.  You may be the catalyst for positive change your family line is waiting for.

Heal the heartbreak of dysfunction and stress in yourself and your family line.
End the isolation of feeling alone in your journey to create positive change with these helpful classes, coaching and small group connections.
Check out our ReNEW YOU Classes and Joyful Breakthrough Membership Circles.

Personal History Tool Tips for Spring and Summer:

Flip-Pal™ mobile scanner –  Portable, easy flip-and-scan-technology.  You can even scan pictures in the frame or while they remain in their photo albums!  I sit on the sofa in comfort and scan to my hearts delight.  My grandson’s love to help.  This is a great summer project that connects the whole family to their positive memories.

Legacy Family Tree Software– is the software I use to easily preserve my genealogical information.  It is important to have a software on your computer for your records.  Don’t rely on online record-keeping alone.

Family ChartMasters– Create a beautiful, Family Tree Chart for your home to strengthen your posterity. Remember your roots and also your one-and-only, unique and vital place on your family tree.

JOURNALriffic– Use the journaling method—the 4 Steps of Discovery—in the ebook I authored.  It was written specifically for TODAY’s ChangeMakers like you. It will you how to put an end to negative thinking and destructive tendencies in yourself or your family line in order to enjoy more peace-of-mind and happiness.

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Note:  TODAY’s ChangeMakers™ are sincere, determined men and women who do not give up on creating positive change—in spite of obstacles.  If you haven’t already done so, I invite you to officially JOIN THE QUEST at Family Tree Quest.com.
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Disclosure of Material Connection: In accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising,” I am disclosing that I am the owner or a compensated affiliate of the hyperlinked companies, websites, ebooks, classes and membership circles mentioned in this post.

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

Serving people who have hidden heartaches and unresolved personal struggles, Carolyn Calton is the founder of FamilyTreeQuest.com and HealingYourFamily.com.

As a ReNEW YOU Self Worth and Relationship Revitalization educator and coach, Carolyn teaches individuals and families how to turn from heartache to happiness in themselves, their families and family lines by understanding how to live true to who they really are as TODAY’s ChangeMakers. Those who join her ReNEW YOU Classes and Joyful Breakthrough Membership Circles learn how to turn stress, anxious-thinking, anger and dysfunction to hope, direction, happiness and peace. She is a teacher and facilitator of principles that can set the hearts of men and women free from the pain and chains of guilt, toxic shame and the effects of oppression. Her students are then empowered to walk forward with courage and confidence as they fill their highest priorities with stability and full purpose of heart.