Category Archives: Relationships

Co-dependence: The Walking Wounded, Part 2

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Healing Heartache in Family Lines

Greetings!  This week is Part 2 or our 3-part series on Co-dependence: The Walking Wounded.
If you missed Part 1, click here.

In co-dependent relationships, people put aside their own vital self-care and innate well-being and values to maintain a relationship with another person.  They often feed off the neediness of another or devote all their life’s time and attention to them.

As a reminder from Part 1, Co-dependence is not the same as becoming “one-in-purpose” like in a healthy, harmonious relationship where two people interrelate with each other without losing their sense of individual gifts, strengths and identity and without compromising their values.

I spoke about how most professionals agree that co-dependency is about the loss of self-hood.
John Bradshaw states that “Co-dependency is a condition wherein one has no inner life.  Happiness is on the outside.  Good feelings and self-validation lie on the outside. Pia Mellody’s definition of co-dependency is “a state of dis – ease whereby the authentic self is unknown or kept hidden, so that a sense of self … of mattering … of esteem and connectedness to others is distorted, creating pain and distorted relationships.”

Think about it, if we keep looking outside ourself to feel like we matter, we face an impossible task and are constantly left unsatisfied since we don’t control, but only influence, the feelings of others.  I speak more about this in my book, 3 Steppingstones to Feel Better About Yourself.

Co-dependency can leave men and women feeling like the walking wounded because
in co-dependent relationships people, including couples, who struggle with codependency often try to control each other to get what they want. Control is a form of force, therefore, it does not suit our natural, intuitive desires to bond and connect safely and securely with other individuals. Patterns of manipulation develop, and manipulation is a disguised form of force. Safe, secure bonding promotes the happiness and well-being of both people in the relationship. The force and control found within co-dependent relationships do not achieve that kind of safety and security.  It is a false bond that can seem like true connection.

In order to heal heartache in family lines, we must first understand the cause and heal, with God’s help, from the inside out. There can be many causes for the heartache, yet in this series of three messages, we are continuing our discussion of one of those causes, namely, co-dependence.

John Bradshaw in his book Homecoming points out, “To be co-dependent is to be out of touch with one’s feelings, needs and desires,” and “Co-dependence is fostered in unhealthy family systems.”

Co-dependence fosters the loss of self-identity.

As you explore co-dependency, you will notice that freedom from destructive, dead-end generational patterns and beliefs, like co-dependence, makes room for healthy, productive, life-changing progress.  The way is not always easy, but it IS possible.

Helpful Terms

Co-dependence should be distinguished as different from the inter-dependence found in healthy relationships.

It is helpful to understand the following terms and the meaning of each.

  • Dependent
  • Independent
  • Inter-dependent
  • Co-dependent

We are dependent as babies and in various degrees as we grow—In other words, we need others to be able to get what we want and need. Consider how an infant is dependent on adults to provide for their needs for food, shelter and more.
As we work toward becoming independent, we strive for self-mastery and maturity, or in other words, we seek to become fully responsible for our choices and accountable for their results.
Inter-dependence is combining our efforts with the efforts of others to achieve the highest good of all. When we are inter-dependent, we work together assertively—respecting our own feelings WHIL  respecting the feelings of others. (This is not passive and not aggressive)

It’s important to recognize that Independence and Inter-dependence are NOT Selfish

Self-care is a crucial part of renewing our own energy to bring the best we have to offer to the table of cooperative, synergistic effort.  It’s important to note that we can take time to edify, nourish and take care of our own mind, body and spirit without jeopardizing our ability to help and serve others.  Selfishness is about the attitude and focus we have in serving ourselves in relation to others. Entirely self-focused effort while interacting with others is selfish.

So, let’s discuss co-dependence again

Beth Gilbert, in an article for Everyday Health says, “If your mood, happiness, and identity is defined by another person, then you could be in a codependent relationship. The word “codependency” gets thrown around a lot: There are codependent couples, codependent companions, and codependent caretakers. But what does codependent actually mean — and is it really all that bad?

“Codependency is typically discussed in the context of substance use, where one person is abusing the substance, and he or she depends on the other person to supply money, food, or shelter. But codependency is much broader than that,” says Jonathan Becker, DO, assistant professor of clinical psychiatry at Vanderbilt University in Nashville, Tennessee.

“Codependency can be defined as any relationship in which two people become so invested in each other that they can’t function independently anymore,” Dr. Becker says. “Your mood, happiness, and identity are defined by the other person. In a codependent relationship, there is usually one person who is more passive and can’t make decisions for themselves, and a more dominant personality who gets some reward and satisfaction from controlling the other person and making decisions about how they will live.”

Codependency becomes problematic when one person is taking advantage of the other financially or emotionally,” Becker says.

Do you see any co-dependent traits in yourself?

Remember to listen to for my podcasts, Co-dependence: The Walking Wounded:, Parts 1 and Part 3.

 Need help knowing what TO do instead of following co-dependent patterns?

Access the Revitalize Your Inner Worth: Get Out of the S.L.U.D.G.E online course training to view at your own pace. Take a deeper dive into tips, tools and information that can help you make sense out of life. We put generational issues and addictive or abusive family patterns, and more, under the microscope for clarity of understanding. Our message is spreading across the globe. If you haven’t already, please go now and join the ChangeMaker Chain Breaker Phenomenon by JOINING the QUEST at FamilyTreeQuest.com so we can stay connected. We’re waiting for YOU!

As  TODAY’s ChangeMaker Chain Breakers in our family lines, we are here to create positive change in spite of any disruptions or destructive patterns in our families of origin or in spite of what may be occurring in our family now.

It is my firm conviction that each of us can ignite the light of extraordinary family purpose in ourselves and our families.  We do it by igniting the light of our own personal power to influence others for good through making principle-centered choices in order to secure the home and stabilize society.

Please check out my books, audio books and courses that can help you strengthen your ability to live beyond co-dependence.  This excerpt has been taken from the Revitalize Your Inner Worth: Get Out of the S.L.U.D.G.E. Course.  Break free and rise above destructive thought patterns, habit patterns and family patterns, so YOU can fill your highest priorities with full purpose of heart.

‘Till next time, THIS is Carolyn Calton

Click here to go to Part 3. 

***
Disclaimer: Some links in this post are affiliate links or links to my own products.
This information is for educational purposes only and is not intended to replace medical or professional care.

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

Serving people who have hidden heartaches and unresolved personal struggles, Carolyn Calton is the founder of FamilyTreeQuest.com and HealingYourFamily.com. As a ReNEW YOU Self Worth and Relationship Revitalization educator and coach, Carolyn teaches individuals and families how to turn from heartache to happiness in themselves, their families and family lines by understanding how to live true to who they really are as TODAY’s ChangeMakers. Those who join her ReNEW YOU Classes and Joyful Breakthrough Membership Circles learn how to turn stress, anxious-thinking, anger and dysfunction to hope, direction, happiness and peace. She is a teacher and facilitator of principles that can set the hearts of men and women free from the pain and chains of guilt, toxic shame and the effects of oppression. Her students are then empowered to walk forward with courage and confidence as they fill their highest priorities with stability and full purpose of heart.

Co-dependence: The Walking Wounded, Part 3

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Greetings!  This is part 3 of my 3-part message titled, Co-dependence: The Walking Wounded.

Co-dependency can leave men and women feeling like the walking wounded. John Bradshaw in his book Homecoming, says, quote“Codependency is to be out of touch with one’s feelings, needs and desires.” End quote It is fostered in unhealthy family systems.  It can go for generations without being understood or noticed. It fosters the loss of self-identity. If you feel like you don’t matter, co-dependent traits may be a large part of the cause.

It is my belief that we can change this destructive tendency in our day and age.

As a refresher, I hope you’ve had a chance to listen to Co-dependence: The Walking Wounded, Parts 1 and Part 2.

My message in Part 3 will be brief.

Now, let’s look at another sign of unhealthy co-dependence.

ENABLING

Enabling is another sign of an unhealthy co-dependence. Mary-Catherine Segota, a clinical psychologist at Counseling Resource Services in Winter Garden, Florida, describes enabling as a behavior that’s used to ease relationship tension caused by one partner’s problematic habits. Enabling behavior, which is rarely seen in healthy relationships, includes:

  • bailing your partner out0
  • repeatedly giving him or her another chance
  • ignoring the problem
  • accepting excuses
  • always being the one trying to fix the problem
  • constantly coming to the rescue

Codependent personalities usually follow a pattern of behaviors that are consistent, problematic, and directly interfere with the individual’s emotional health and ability to find fulfillment in a relationship.

Use my eBook or audio book, 3 Vital Steppingstones to Feel Better About Yourself and
find out what can lead you to having less chaotic stress and more hope and direction for a brighter future. Learn what to do and what to avoid in order to feel better about yourself.

If you are part of a dysfunctional family, in your quiet moments you may view yourself as wounded, broken, or socially impaired. Sometimes you may feel angry, hopeless, good-for-nothing, valueless. Sometimes you may overcompensate and be talkative about yourself and all your accomplishments, and yet want to hide what was oh-so-wrong with your upbringing or with your life now because it embarrasses you and you don’t want to be judged by other people. You may feel like you’re protecting someone. These are quiet, often unexpressed feelings of the heart that cause stress. People around you may never know what you really go through with these thoughts and feelings if you are getting up, going to work, or interacting with family, friends or people who simply cross your path in any way. You may appear “good at being an adult”, yet people don’t see that many times you’re playing a role and really don’t know what to do. You often feel stuck, unhappy, and you probably lacked good role models in your home of origin.

If you lived during your childhood or in your former relationships in a home full of dysfunctional behaviors playing out, or if you live now in a dysfunctional home and family, you may dread going home. You may be experiencing anxiety, depression, or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. There may be substance abuse, heated arguments, feuds, or the silent treatment going on. Psychological abuse or physical violence are all too common. Maybe your parents or you in your own home act like a dictator or were/are emotionally detached.

In dysfunctional families

  • Chaos is normal.
  • Achievements are often overlooked.
  • You feel like to need to “walk on eggshells”, be constantly alert and prepared for the worst.
  • You’re on high alert due to an unpredictable environment.
  • Apologies are rare.
  • You don’t learn how to deal with emotions in a healthy way.
  • and more

No wonder you may be out of touch with your thoughts, needs and feelings.

The good news is you have the power to make changes, and that change can start now.

You are NOT unlovable, powerless or responsible for someone else’s happiness.

You are responsible to take care of your own thoughts, feelings, attitudes, actions, values, and beliefs and let other people take care of theirs

When you try to “make” someone happy and they are not satisfied, you set yourself up for co-dependency. Notice, when you want to “make” someone be happy, can you see how the concept of “make” can lead to you taking steps to force or manipulate outcomes, as you try to control how they will feel or respond.  Most times WE are uncomfortable when they are not happy, so we’d like to do something to change that. We may be concerned about angry outbursts from them, receiving the silent treatment or so many other responses. We may also truly want them to be happy, but our feelings and interactions are really enmeshed with theirs and we often times don’t see clearly at all while determining what action to take..

So again, when you try to “make” someone happy and they are not satisfied, you set yourself up for co-dependency. Co-dependency is being excessively dependent on another person in an unhealthy way for validation, approval, or identity. Frustration and feelings of not being good enough will abound. You will place an unreasonable burden on yourself if you try to meet all the needs and expectations of others. Most often, it’s at the expense of your own well-being. Trying to control what’s impossible to control (meaning their thoughts, feelings, attitudes, actions, values, and beliefs) will only result in misery.

What you DO have is influence.

You’ll be happier when you foster healthy relationships. That effort does involve supporting each other’s happiness while recognizing and respecting each other’s individuality and right to make choices for themselves.

Among other things, you can:

  • Support and encourage others.
  • Care about and love them.
  • Create a nurturing environment.
  • Set healthy personal boundaries.
  • Practice empathy.
  • Focus on self-care.
  • Practice assertive communication.

Your job is to do YOUR job, nothing more!  Take care of your own thoughts, feelings, attitudes, actions, values, and beliefs and let other people take care of theirs. It’s an effort worth making,

My books, audio books and courses are designed to help you strengthen your ability to live beyond co-dependence.  Part of this excerpt has been taken from the Revitalize Your Inner Worth: Get Out of the S.L.U.D.G.E. Course.  You may also want to check out How to Be of Service Without Getting Hooked (meaning Getting Hooked into losing your own sense of inner worth by getting hooked into guilt, confusion, rejection, self-doubt, frustration, resentment, and depression. In it, I teach the life-changing materials of Marriage and Family Therapist and Ph.D., Ronald A Newsom. The video presentation will help you learn how to Think and Act with positive intent, regardless of the circumstances you encounter.

Let me help you break free and rise above destructive thought patterns, habit patterns and family patterns, so YOU can fill your highest priorities with full purpose of heart.

‘Till next time, THIS is Carolyn Calton

***
Disclaimer: Some links in this post are affiliate links or links to my own products.
This information is for educational purposes only and is not intended to replace medical or professional care.

 

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

Serving people who have hidden heartaches and unresolved personal struggles, Carolyn Calton is the founder of FamilyTreeQuest.com and HealingYourFamily.com. As a ReNEW YOU Self Worth and Relationship Revitalization educator and coach, Carolyn teaches individuals and families how to turn from heartache to happiness in themselves, their families and family lines by understanding how to live true to who they really are as TODAY’s ChangeMakers. Those who join her ReNEW YOU Classes and Joyful Breakthrough Membership Circles learn how to turn stress, anxious-thinking, anger and dysfunction to hope, direction, happiness and peace. She is a teacher and facilitator of principles that can set the hearts of men and women free from the pain and chains of guilt, toxic shame and the effects of oppression. Her students are then empowered to walk forward with courage and confidence as they fill their highest priorities with stability and full purpose of heart.

sad teen

Co-dependence: The Walking Wounded, Part 1

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Listen to my podcast by clicking play above.

Greetings!  Today’s topic is Co-dependence: The Walking Wounded, part 1 of 3 parts.

Co-dependence is a quality that is prevalent when a person is exposed to consistent dysfunction in relationships. It is being excessively dependent on another person in an unhealthy way for validation, approval or identity.

We are gathering in the TODAY’s ChangeMaker Chain Breaker Phenomenon to break cycles of dysfunction, chaos and unpredictability in order to heal physically, emotionally and spiritually
so we no longer feel like the walking wounded who are lost in a sea of uncertainty and wandering without purpose or direction. Sometimes, we realize and know that we have never been taught the principles that lead to lasting happiness.

We all have an innate need for warm, caring, loving relationships.  Then, how do we end up feeling like the walking wounded who have painful and sometimes tragic lives?
Understanding co-dependence can begin to unlock some very troubling and often unanswered questions.

Questions from the Walking Wounded

  • How do we become men or women who feel out of touch with our own feelings, needs and desires?
  • How did we become full of self-doubts?  Why are some of us continually longing for something more than experiencing fear, shame, loneliness, depression, anxious-thinking, or deep sadness that seem to encompass our very soul?
  • What happened to our spontaneous sense of wonder and to our natural creativity?
  • What happened to our happiness and why?

Well, We All Need Security and Healthy Modeling of Emotions

John Bradshaw offers an explanation relating to children, but since we need healthy modeling of emotions all during our lives, I believe this information can be appreciated and related to as applying to adults, at times of departure from our true worth, as well as to children.

In your mind, imagine two pictures of a 14-year-old boy.
The first picture shows a teenager whose home is full of distress, and the next teen represents a child that has a healthier home environment.
The first youth is sitting on a sofa with knees bent and his feet up on the sofa. His arms are folded on his knees and his head is resting on his arms.  You cannot see his eyes but know he’s very sad, discouraged and he may have no idea what to do.
The next child is smiling from ear to ear.  His hands are simply folded in front of him because he’s posing for a picture.
The contrast between the two is striking and the emotion of each child is evident.  One is terribly sad, distraught and discouraged, vs the other, who is happy, almost joyful and free to be who he was created to be.sad teen

 According to Bradshaw in his book Homecoming, he says quote “Children need security and healthy modeling of emotions in order to understand their own inner signals.  They also need help in separating their thoughts from their feelings.” He points out how, when the child experiences extreme distress or trauma in the family environment , “the child must focus solely on the outside.  Over time, he loses the ability to generate self-esteem from within. Without a healthy inner life, one is exiled to trying to find fulfillment on the outside. This is co-dependence

So, What is Co-dependence?

Bradshaw goes on to say, quote “To be codependent is to be out of touch with one’s feelings, needs and desires.” End quote

Co-dependence is not the same as becoming “one-in-purpose” like in a healthy, harmonious relationship where two people interrelate with each other without losing their sense of individual gifts, strengths and identity and without compromising their values.

In co-dependent relationships, people put aside their own vital self-care and innate well-being and values to maintain a relationship with another.  They often feed off the neediness of another or devote all their life’s time and attention to them.

As you’re growing up or, even as an adult, when you trust and depend on someone that’s, in reality, not dependable, you can develop co-dependence without even knowing it.  Emotional deficits begin to exist.  Painful patterns of behavior develop. Co-dependency can develop even if you’ve had a peaceful upbringing. It can begin even if you’re bringing your own best efforts to a relationship and are willing to do what it takes to create harmony and fun.

When things aren’t going like you expected, you just recognize something’s off, but may not be able to put your finger on exactly what’s going wrong.

Let’s talk about The Loss of Self-hood

In a PBS special long ago, John Bradshaw used a mobile, which is kind of like a wind chime, to illustrate what happens in co-dependent relationships. The mobile is at rest, yet when one piece is tugged on, all the other pieces, of necessity, move.  That’s how it is in a family system. If there’s someone with control issues, anger issues or addictions and so forth, the whole system is out of balance and strives to regain equilibrium again.

Most professionals agree that co-dependency is about the LOSS of self-hood. Bradshaw also states that  “Co-dependency is a condition wherein one has no inner life.  Happiness is on the outside.  Good feelings and self-validation lie on the outside. Pia Mellody’s definition of co-dependency is “a state of dis – ease whereby the authentic self is unknown or kept hidden, so that a sense of self … of mattering … of esteem and connectedness to others is distorted, creating pain and distorted relationships.”

Bradshaw also says, “Co-dependence is fostered in unhealthy family systems. For example, everyone in an alcoholic family becomes co-dependent on the alcoholic’s drinking. The alcoholic father is absorbed in drinking and the codependent mother is absorbed with the alcoholic.  Because the drinking is so life-threatening to each family member, they adapt by becoming chronically alert (which is called being hypervigilant).  Adaptation to stress was intended by nature to be a temporary state.  It was never intended to be chronic. Over time, a person living with the chronic distress of alcoholic behavior loses touch with his own internal cues—his own feelings, needs, and desires. The same is true for any … chronic distress, including addictions to work or …activities, eating disorders, addictions to control or perfectionism, or mental or physical illness.”

So, What’s Next?

Watch for Co—dependence: The Walking Wounded, Parts 2 and Part 3.

Do you need help knowing what TO do instead of following co-dependent patterns?

Access the Revitalize Your Inner Worth: Get Out of the S.L.U.D.G.E.  online course trainings to view at your own pace. Take a deeper dive into tips, tools and information that can help you make sense out of life. We put generational issues and addictive or abusive family patterns, and more, under the microscope for clarity of understanding. AND, if you haven’t already, please go now and join the ChangeMaker Chain Breaker Phenomenon by JOINING the QUEST at FamilyTreeQuest.com so we can stay connected. We’re waiting for YOU!

As TODAY’s ChangeMakers in our family lines, we are here to create positive change in spite of any disruptions or destructive patterns in our families of origin or in spite of what may be occurring in our family now.

It is my firm conviction that each of us can ignite the light of extraordinary family purpose in ourselves and our families.  We do it by igniting the light of our own personal power to influence others for good through making principle-centered choices in order to secure the home and stabilize society.

Please check out my books, audio books and courses that can help you strengthen your ability to live beyond co-dependence.  This excerpt has been taken from the Revitalize Your Inner Worth: Get Out of the S.L.U.D.G.E. Course.  Break free and rise above destructive thought patterns, habit patterns and family patterns, so YOU can fill your highest priorities with full purpose of heart.

‘Till next time, THIS is Carolyn Calton

***
Disclaimer: Some links in this post are affiliate links or links to my own products.
This information is for educational purposes only and is not intended to replace medical or professional care.

 

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

Serving people who have hidden heartaches and unresolved personal struggles, Carolyn Calton is the founder of FamilyTreeQuest.com and HealingYourFamily.com. As a ReNEW YOU Self Worth and Relationship Revitalization educator and coach, Carolyn teaches individuals and families how to turn from heartache to happiness in themselves, their families and family lines by understanding how to live true to who they really are as TODAY’s ChangeMakers. Those who join her ReNEW YOU Classes and Joyful Breakthrough Membership Circles learn how to turn stress, anxious-thinking, anger and dysfunction to hope, direction, happiness and peace. She is a teacher and facilitator of principles that can set the hearts of men and women free from the pain and chains of guilt, toxic shame and the effects of oppression. Her students are then empowered to walk forward with courage and confidence as they fill their highest priorities with stability and full purpose of heart.

Family Traditions. ReNEW YOU Red Healing Heartache In Family Lines Header with URLs

Family Traditions: Out With the Bad, In With the Good

Our family traditions help create our family patterns

I contributed a chapter called THE IMPORTANCE OF FAMILY TRADITIONS to Jennifer Jones Smith’s book 12 Weeks to Greater Peace, Joy & Love in Your Family. I will be using some of those thoughts, along with some adaptations, here.

I wrote, “Traditions are a way of passing family values through the generations.  Because what happens at home extends into society and then into the world, it’s important that we examine patterns in our daily interactions with family members and carefully consider creating healthy traditions at home.  The words, thoughts and opinions of our family members, during daily living as well as during traditional holiday celebrations and events, have a great impact of our own feelings about who we are and what we have to contribute to our family and the world.  If our family patterns are uplifting and edifying, we tend to feel strengthened and view the family as important, loving, and a place we want to be.  If our repetitive patterns of interacting with each other are full of put-downs, sarcasm and prejudices, we have little or no desire to try to connect in meaningful ways again and, almost unknowingly because of repetitive exposure to distress and chaos we can begin to pass on unhealthy behavioral patterns to new generations because of the modeling that stems from our own family of origin.

OUT WITH THE BAD.  IN WITH THE GOOD.

… we can be very resistant to change.  However, it is well-worth examining our own [ways of interacting with family members and take a look at the ingrained patterns we’re establishing.  Let’s notice the way we relate to others and the way others relate to us.  When doing this with a sincere desire to improve, we can take an objective, rather than critical, view of ourselves and our relatives.  When we come to understand the truth of what is really happening, we position ourselves to make choices that foster our well-being and the highest good for all concerned.

Our feelings about ourselves shape our lives.  Many, if not most, people never question or take more than a superficial look at how they act and what they really do because it’s so familiar. By establishing healthy daily interactions, then when it comes to celebrating family seasonal traditions, individuals have something to look forward to and are left with feelings that each family member is important, cared about and valued by the others.  Thus, we establish healthy family bonds of love, mutual admiration and respect.  We also come to feel positive self-worth, and we notice an increase in our sense of family responsibility.

In homes spilling over with daily dysfunction, however, there are far too many family members who know, from past experience, that the upcoming seasonal traditions connected to a holiday celebration are nothing to “celebrate”.  In fact, the very thought of them triggers feelings of dread by many children due to former family patterns of adult neglect or abuse from which they feel there is no escape.  When destructive influences are present, homes become rampant with disrespect, criticism and shame. Children from such homes often feel bewildered, disillusioned or even hopeless and helpless.  In an all-too-common example where dad gets drunk and ends up verbally or physically abusing mom and/or the children.  It’s time to let go and eliminate these false “traditions of the fathers” and establish new traditions because “that which is familiar is not always that which is best”.

YOU CAN

Unless conscious choices are made to create change, history will tend to repeat itself in our family lines.  EACH INDIVIDUAL can be the change catalyst their family line has been waiting for.  Some, more than others, have heavier burdens to carry because of their families of origin, yet everyone has the capacity to create positive change from their own generation forward.  By living mindfully in our present moments, we can ALL overcome obstacles and be a positive influence.  We can continue making choices and establishing traditions that are uplifting, fun and encouraging to our family members, and we can eliminate those that are not.

I spoke of 2 types of traditions. 1) daily routines, and 2) holiday traditions.:

  1. Daily Routines

    Some of us fail to see our daily routines as being part of what can be considered “traditions of the fathers”, but if seen for the benefits they hold, these traditional routines can be a major source of stability, structure and add to feelings of safety and security within a home.

    Since my children were very young, I encouraged many traditional routine interactions. We say please and thank you, send holiday greeting cards and thank you notes when gifts are given, mail birth announcements when babies are born, knock on a family member’s door and wait for an answer before entering their room, and use courteous speech and respectful interactions with others.  We say our personal and family prayers, attend church weekly, say a blessing on the food to name a few. We worked on consistency, rather than perfection.  Each family member also had daily work-in-the-house or yard responsibilities. Now they are raised, some of my children have maintained these routines, and some have not.
  2. Seasonal Holiday Traditions

    Our holiday traditions were among our favorite times– beginning with decorations around the house and on the front door to match the season. When some of my children had moved away, it became a time of gathering the family back together.  We were by no means a perfect family, but to give you an idea of some of the more positive things that were part of our celebrations, I offer these thoughts.Music played almost constantly in our home.  I prepared traditional foods which create memorable smells and reminders of the familiar feeling of “home for the holidays”.  I tried to prepare by buying supplies a few weeks early and scheduling time on the calendar to pull out the plastic tubs of decorations from storage so all those involved in helping will not be surprised with last minute interruptions to their own plans. I hope that these elements of birthdays and other holiday celebrations, added to happy memories for my children.

Here are a few tips for establishing healthy, happy family patterns and traditions: (Some of which I learned the hard way)

DAILY:

  • Decide to integrate some specific, healthy, stabilizing daily routines.
  • Encourage healthy self-worth in each family member, including yourself, by avoiding negative comments and negative self-talk and criticism.
  • Don’t rush. Take time to validate the thoughts and feelings of children as well as adults.
  • Let go of any unrealistic expectations you may have of yourself or others.
  • “If you can’t turn the corners up, let the middle sag.”- Unknown
  • Have Courage. Use loving Diligence. Create Excellence.

SEASONAL TRADITIONS:

  • Remember that no family is perfect, so imperfection is part of every attempt while creating something new.
  • Be patient while you and your family try to achieve more harmony and happiness together.
  • Look for the good.
  • Capture memories with pictures, video and write about it in journals or scrapbooks.
  • Have fun! Laugh a lot. Create joyful memories.
  • Evaluate what went well and what didn’t. Integrate the success into your next event.  Build on that.

If this hasn’t been your pattern, TURN it around and take the first step in creating something new.

Worth Every Effort

With each new day comes new opportunities to create positive change.  Although we cannot control the actions of others, we do have influence in their lives.  I have found that it is worth every effort to consciously decide to create positive family patterns, traditions and wonderful memories by using the power of one’s own positive influence.  We thereby do our part to create positive change–which best serves our family today and also greatly benefits future generations.

YOU are TODAY’s ChangeMaker!

As TODAY’s ChangeMakers in our family lines, we are here to create positive change in spite of any disruptions or destructive patterns in our families of origin or in spite of what may be occurring in our family now.

Each of us can ignite the light of extraordinary family purpose in ourselves and our families.  We do it by igniting the light of our own personal power to influence others for good through making principle-centered choices, in order to secure the home and stabilize society.

Check out my class offerings that can help you strengthen your ability to live according to the principles that govern happiness in yourself and in your relationships.  This excerpt has been taken from the Revitalize Your Inner Worth: Get Out of the S.L.U.D.G.E. Class.  Break free and rise above destructive thought patterns, habit patterns and family patterns, so YOU can fill your highest priorities with full purpose of heart.

CLICK HERE to see all free presentations and class offerings.

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

Serving people who have hidden heartaches and unresolved personal struggles, Carolyn Calton is the founder of FamilyTreeQuest.com and HealingYourFamily.com. As a ReNEW YOU Self Worth and Relationship Revitalization educator and coach, Carolyn teaches individuals and families how to turn from heartache to happiness in themselves, their families and family lines by understanding how to live true to who they really are as TODAY’s ChangeMakers. Those who join her ReNEW YOU Classes and Joyful Breakthrough Membership Circles learn how to turn stress, anxious-thinking, anger and dysfunction to hope, direction, happiness and peace. She is a teacher and facilitator of principles that can set the hearts of men and women free from the pain and chains of guilt, toxic shame and the effects of oppression. Her students are then empowered to walk forward with courage and confidence as they fill their highest priorities with stability and full purpose of heart.

Family Traditions. ReNEW YOU Red Healing Heartache In Family Lines Header with URLs

Traditions That Help, Rather Than Hurt, Families

Traditions and personal freedom

Traditions directly link to personal freedom. It would be wise to make choices connected to our traditions, that will help, and not hurt, ourselves and our families.  Freedom from destructive, dead-end generational patterns and beliefs makes room for healthy, productive, life-changing progress.  The way is not always easy, but it IS possible.

A word about tradition

Maybe you remember the movie Fiddler on the Roof.
An online film synopsis states that the movie “tells the life-affirming story of Tevye, a poor milkman [with five daughters] whose love, pride and faith help him face the oppression of turn-of-the century czarist Russia.  Set in 1905, their lives seemed as precarious as ‘a fiddler on the roof.”

In these memorable lines from the movie, Tevye says,

 “A fiddler on the roof. Sounds crazy, no? But in our little village of Anatevka, you might say every one of us is a fiddler on the roof, trying to scratch out a pleasant, simple tune without breaking his neck. It isn’t easy. You may ask, why do we stay up here if it’s so dangerous? We stay because Anatevka is our home. And how do we keep our balance? That I can tell you in a word—tradition!

Because of our traditions, we’ve kept our balance for many, many years. Here in Anatevka we have traditions for everything—how to eat, how to sleep, how to wear clothes. For instance, we always keep our heads covered and always wear a little prayer shawl. This shows our constant devotion to God. You may ask, how did this tradition start? I’ll tell you—I don’t know! But it’s a tradition. Because of our traditions, everyone knows who he is and what God expects him to do.”

Help, don’t hurt

Because traditions become such an inherent part of us and they are followed and accepted, often without thinking about it, it may be hard to evaluate between their constructive or destructive impact in our lives.  They’re simply familiar!  We want to help and not hurt ourselves and others, therefore, it’s incumbent upon each of us to find ways to cherish and value positive traditions from our ethnic, cultural, or national heritages.  Yet, we must be mindful of those that tear down and destroy self-worth and relationships and find the courage and tenacity to create more positive results instead. This is what truly benefits humanity.  After all, isn’t it right that each generation improve and build better, brighter tomorrows as they stand on the shoulders of those who came before them?  Usually, that’s what our ancestors would want so that their sacrifices would not have been in vain.

Some traditions that tear down rather than build up individuals and families are:

  • Any tradition in which control or dominion is exerted one against another individual or group
  • Traditions that breed addiction
  • Anything based on the power of force
  • Looking down on others due one’s so-called station in life, their ethnicity or feelings of superiority
  • Anything that breeds conflict one person or one group against another
  • Traditions that lead to prejudice, jealousy, hatred, lack of forgiveness, greed, and so forth
  • Traditions that foster harsh words and criticisms, contentions, bickering and sarcasm

In our busy world, some of our positive traditions are part of activities where we can spend meaningful, healthy, uplifting time with our family members.

Dieter F. Uchtdorf puts it nicely when he says, “If we fail to give our best personal self and undivided time to those who are truly important to us, one day we will regret it.” “Let us resolve to cherish those we love by spending meaningful time with them, doing things together and cultivating treasured memories.”

Elevate your traditions

Making a break from the chains of false or destructive traditions can be hard. There can be naysayers and those who criticize or persecute. Some friends or family members may turn away or argue that you’re wrong—possibly causing self-doubts or fears.  But, I believe, that deep within us there is an inner knowing of what is ours to do, and if elevating a tradition for ourselves and future generations is part of our life’s mission, then we will find he wherewithal to stay the course.

When the effort to change traditions becomes hard, remember that at birth, your spirit came from the presence of God—as the poet Wordsworth says, “trailing clouds of glory”.  So, your ultimate Heritage of Wholeness comes from you being HIS son or HIS daughter. Therefore, the wisest course of action is to remain loyal to traditions that accurately reflect His teachings.  Those decisions will bring you true happiness and the greatest inner peace.

After all, we want to find ways to preserve our past without compromising our present.  Sometimes that takes a change at the level of tradition, and breaking destructive traditions can seem like you are no longer loyal to the family—which can be extremely painful.  Sometimes breaking those patterns can feel like we’re abandoning the family rather than improving the family for the sake of the living as well as those yet to come into your family line. This too, must be seen in the light of truth, or the fear of abandonment can shut you down.

YOU are TODAY’s ChangeMaker!

As TODAY’s ChangeMakers in our family lines, we are here to create positive change in spite of any disruptions or destructive patterns in our families of origin or in spite of what may be occurring in our family now.

Each of us can ignite the light of extraordinary family purpose in ourselves and our families.  We do it by igniting the light of our own personal power to influence others for good through making principle-centered choices, in order to secure the home and stabilize society.

Check out these class offerings that can help you strengthen your ability to live according to the principles that govern happiness in yourself and in your relationships.  This excerpt has been taken from the Revitalize Your Inner Worth: Get Out of the S.L.U.D.G.E. Class.  Break free and rise above destructive thought patterns, habit patterns and family patterns, so YOU can fill your highest priorities with full purpose of heart.

CLICK HERE to see all free presentations and class offerings.

References:
[“Fiddler on the Roof,” in Great Musicals of the American Theatre, ed. Stanley Richards, vol. 1 (Radnor, Pennsylvania: Chilton Book Company, 1973), p. 393]

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

Serving people who have hidden heartaches and unresolved personal struggles, Carolyn Calton is the founder of FamilyTreeQuest.com and HealingYourFamily.com. As a ReNEW YOU Self Worth and Relationship Revitalization educator and coach, Carolyn teaches individuals and families how to turn from heartache to happiness in themselves, their families and family lines by understanding how to live true to who they really are as TODAY’s ChangeMakers. Those who join her ReNEW YOU Classes and Joyful Breakthrough Membership Circles learn how to turn stress, anxious-thinking, anger and dysfunction to hope, direction, happiness and peace. She is a teacher and facilitator of principles that can set the hearts of men and women free from the pain and chains of guilt, toxic shame and the effects of oppression. Her students are then empowered to walk forward with courage and confidence as they fill their highest priorities with stability and full purpose of heart.

Dead-end traditions. ReNEW YOU Healing Heartache green header with picture of a family tree

Family Patterns: Where’s the HAPPY in Holidays?

Family Patterns

Are negative family patterns getting In the way of your “Happy” in Holidays and your “Merry” in Christmas?

As we each contemplate holiday celebrations, we may not be fully aware of family patterns (deep-seated beliefs) that might be sabotaging our thinking and getting in the way of our happiness.  This causes us to shrink away from our best expression of who we really are.

Are you shrinking away from your sense of self-worth?

There are some distinct family patterns that tend to cause us to shrink away from who we really are and have a destructive influence on our inner worth.

Freedom from destructive, dead-end generational patterns and beliefs makes room for healthy, productive, life-changing progress.  The way is not always easy, but it IS possible.

These deep-seated beliefs usually interfere with 3 distinct areas of our life, and often, we don’t see the connection.  The 3 areas are relationships, money, and our bodies.
They may come from spoken or unspoken teachings.

Using the area of RELATIONSHIPS, I’ve chosen to mention some destructive thinking patterns that may stem from our perceptions that can originate from our family patterns.

Underlying Family Patterns/Beliefs about Relationships

Take note of any the YOU may be believing:

Men hurt women or women hurt men
We need to be snappy or angry to be heard.
People can’t be trusted.
I’ll always be taken advantage of.
Husbands hurt wives (or visa versa), therefore, my husband (or wife) will hurt me.
Men don’t show up for women. (or vise versa)
I’m strong only if I do everything myself.
I have to be passive and dependent on a man to keep him
I feel alone, but it’s okay for my husband to be emotionally unavailable.
Nothing I do to work on my relationship will matter.
The best way to handle a relationship is to not trust, not speak up for myself and don’t acknowledge my feelings.

Here are some common beliefs about money

Having lots of money makes me successful.
Having lots of money makes me sinful.
God will punish me if I have too much money.
I’ll be greedy if I have too much money, so I would rather not have a lot.
There’s “not enough” (money)
Rich people are bad.
Poor people are bad.
I don’t deserve to have what I want.
If I don’t have a college education and great career, I have no value.
body (health, view of self, etc.)
I must look beautiful ( or be thin or exercise more than other people) or I’m not “good enough”
I need to look young to have value.
People who are sick are weak.
People who are sick get attention.
Thin people are bad.
Heavy people are bad
Pretty girls get in trouble.
Beautiful people aren’t smart.

Did you notice any of those patterns that you may be continuing to pass on? Are they interfering with your happiness as you contemplate upcoming celebrations with family or friends.  Are any of these beliefs about yourself dragging you down emotionally?  Are you setting yourself up for history to repeat itself?

Unless conscious choices are made to create a different reality, history will tend to repeat itself in our family lines.  We ALL can be positive in our influence, but it takes work.  EACH INDIVIDUAL can be the change catalyst their family line has been waiting for.  Some, more than others, have heavier burdens to carry because of their families of origin.

YOU are TODAY’s ChangeMaker!

As TODAY’s ChangeMakers in our family lines, we are here to create positive change in spite of any disruptions or destructive patterns in our families of origin or in spite of what may be occurring in our family now.

Each of us can ignite the light of extraordinary family purpose in ourselves and our families.  We do it by igniting the light of our own personal power to influence others for good through making principle-centered choices, in order to secure the home and stabilize society.

Check out these class offerings that can help you strengthen your ability to live according to the principles that govern happiness in yourself and in your relationships.  This excerpt has been taken from the Revitalize Your Inner Worth: Get Out of the S.L.U.D.G.E. Class.  Break free and rise above destructive thought patterns, habit patterns and family patterns, so YOU can fill your highest priorities with full purpose of heart.

CLICK HERE to see all free presentations and class offerings.

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

Serving people who have hidden heartaches and unresolved personal struggles, Carolyn Calton is the founder of FamilyTreeQuest.com and HealingYourFamily.com. As a ReNEW YOU Self Worth and Relationship Revitalization educator and coach, Carolyn teaches individuals and families how to turn from heartache to happiness in themselves, their families and family lines by understanding how to live true to who they really are as TODAY’s ChangeMakers. Those who join her ReNEW YOU Classes and Joyful Breakthrough Membership Circles learn how to turn stress, anxious-thinking, anger and dysfunction to hope, direction, happiness and peace. She is a teacher and facilitator of principles that can set the hearts of men and women free from the pain and chains of guilt, toxic shame and the effects of oppression. Her students are then empowered to walk forward with courage and confidence as they fill their highest priorities with stability and full purpose of heart.

emotional vitality tip of the day on dark blue background

ReNEW YOU: Every Small Step Matters

ReNEW YOU Emotional Vitality Tip:  Every Small Step Matters!

In 2014 on my blog, I noted: “Today I learned through my experience that sometimes when we feel stuck we just haven’t created neural pathways for what we are doing yet. Just forge ahead, the pathways will be created and things will become easier.” – Carolyn Calton

This really is true. I’m so glad to be further and further away from the trauma toxic relationships can create. The power of free choice combined with the power of God and the powers within our bodies to rewire and heal are absolutely amazing.  I’m experiencing it, and I can tell the difference.

To any of my friends who suffer from Post Traumatic Stresss or who have loved ones that suffer, please know that there is so much hope. Just take one step at a time. We may want to rush progress, but just taking one small step in the right direction makes ALL the difference!

Your influence, even through hardship, will ignite the power of generations!  Don’t give up!  There are others who need the example of your courage.  You may never really know the positive ripple effect of each small step you take.  I INcourage you to take one small step in the direction of your dreams today.  May God bless and sustain you as you do.

To your happiness,
Carolyn

Need helpful information and classes, small group support, coaching or more? Check out the services I offer by CLICKING HERE.

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

Serving people who have hidden heartaches and unresolved personal struggles, Carolyn Calton is the founder of FamilyTreeQuest.com and HealingYourFamily.com. As a ReNEW YOU Self Worth and Relationship Revitalization educator and coach, Carolyn teaches individuals and families how to turn from heartache to happiness in themselves, their families and family lines by understanding how to live true to who they really are as TODAY’s ChangeMakers. Those who join her ReNEW YOU Classes and Joyful Breakthrough Membership Circles learn how to turn stress, anxious-thinking, anger and dysfunction to hope, direction, happiness and peace. She is a teacher and facilitator of principles that can set the hearts of men and women free from the pain and chains of guilt, toxic shame and the effects of oppression. Her students are then empowered to walk forward with courage and confidence as they fill their highest priorities with stability and full purpose of heart.

emotional vitality tip of the day on seafoam green background

Styles of Journal Writing. Which is Best for You?

The kinds of journals people keep are many and varied.  They include gratitude journals, poetry journals, reading journals, journals written by topic, family journals, nature journals, personal development journals, meditation and devotion journals and more.

There are different styles of journal keeping that range from more traditional writing to writing in creative journals, complete with pictures and art.  Choose any type of blank journal you like.  There is a large selection of journals on the market.  You can also choose blank books or create your own journal from a binder or spiral bound notebook.  If you like art, you can decorate your own cover, but what’s really important is what you write inside.

The JOURNALriffic method of journal-keeping sets itself apart from the rest.  With JOURNALriffic you will have, at your fingertips, a guided-journaling method to use when you want to conserve your emotional energy and settle an issue quickly in your mind. You will be following universal principles that govern happy relationships instead of staying stuck in criticism, blame, shame, stress or anxiety.  Use it when you know that you don’t know what to do next as well as when you want to easily keep a daily record of your life as TODAY’s ChangeMaker—one who desires to elevate your thought patterns, habit patterns and family patterns in order to help, and not hurt, yourself and others.

Daily journal writing, the JOURNALriffic way leads to

  • Less stress
    • Healthier relationships
    • Confidence
    • Positive self-development
    • Clarity of your life’s purpose
    • Greater peace of mind

JOURNALriffic guided-journaling is a perfect match for the needs of those who have experienced the ripple effects of divorce, mistreatment, addiction or abuse.

There are so many reasons to write in your journal.  What suits your purposes, and which is best for you?

ReNEW YOU Emotional Vitality Tip of the Day

Use JOURNALriffic- Turn Your Pain Into Purpose With 4 Steps of Discovery to help you turn stress, anxious-thinking, anger and dysfunction, to hope, direction, happiness and peace.  Get your copy today!

*****
Disclosure of Material Connection:  In accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising,” I am disclosing that I am the author of JOURNALriffic, and I’m an affiliate of Amazon.

 

 

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

Serving people who have hidden heartaches and unresolved personal struggles, Carolyn Calton is the founder of FamilyTreeQuest.com and HealingYourFamily.com. As a ReNEW YOU Self Worth and Relationship Revitalization educator and coach, Carolyn teaches individuals and families how to turn from heartache to happiness in themselves, their families and family lines by understanding how to live true to who they really are as TODAY’s ChangeMakers. Those who join her ReNEW YOU Classes and Joyful Breakthrough Membership Circles learn how to turn stress, anxious-thinking, anger and dysfunction to hope, direction, happiness and peace. She is a teacher and facilitator of principles that can set the hearts of men and women free from the pain and chains of guilt, toxic shame and the effects of oppression. Her students are then empowered to walk forward with courage and confidence as they fill their highest priorities with stability and full purpose of heart.

I Owe All Things to God

My mother, now deceased, is precious to me and very dear to my heart.  Her maiden name was Greenhalgh.

While reading the personal history of one of my relatives, I remembered what was written in Latin on the Greenhalgh Family Coat of arms.

“I owe all things to God.”

Thankfully, that is something my mother taught me to see and recognize and appreciate throughout my life.

I have learned through my own experience that I do–owe all things to God, that is.  His grace, mercy and guidance have sustained me.  It’s because of Him that I can even draw my breath each day.  It’s because of Him I have eyes to see, ears to hear, and so much more. The inscription on that coat of arms fills me with joy because I sense the truth of the statment.  It helps me know I am anchored to ancestors that appreciated the goodness of God, and it inspires me to want to know more about their personal stories of trials an triumph.

Do you have an inscription on a Family Coat of Arms or a statement of purpose for your family now?

Today’s Spiritual Vitality Tip:  Take time to ponder how YOU owe all things to God.  Write your thoughts in your journal, or share your thoughts with a loved one.

*****
Need help healing heartache in yourself, your family or family lines?  CLICK HERE.

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

Serving people who have hidden heartaches and unresolved personal struggles, Carolyn Calton is the founder of FamilyTreeQuest.com and HealingYourFamily.com. As a ReNEW YOU Self Worth and Relationship Revitalization educator and coach, Carolyn teaches individuals and families how to turn from heartache to happiness in themselves, their families and family lines by understanding how to live true to who they really are as TODAY’s ChangeMakers. Those who join her ReNEW YOU Classes and Joyful Breakthrough Membership Circles learn how to turn stress, anxious-thinking, anger and dysfunction to hope, direction, happiness and peace. She is a teacher and facilitator of principles that can set the hearts of men and women free from the pain and chains of guilt, toxic shame and the effects of oppression. Her students are then empowered to walk forward with courage and confidence as they fill their highest priorities with stability and full purpose of heart.

emotional vitality tip of the day on white tile-like background

Are you angry, afraid or ashamed?

Are you sometimes downright angry, afraid or ashamed?

Try this ReNEW YOU Emotional Vitality Tip of the Day.

Write in a journal to give your feelings a voice.  There is no need to deny or repress what you truly feel when you write it on paper or type it on a computer.

Once expressed use the JOURNALriffic Method—the 4 Steps of Discovery.  You will be able to choose for yourself how to move through your emotions toward solutions in a proactive, rather than reactive manner.

I developed the JOURNALriffic Method from a pattern that has worked for me through many years of some of my life’s most difficult trials.  I am well-acquainted with blighted hopes, shattered dreams and unfulfilled desires both individually and with my family’s circumstances, yet I’ve learned to be positive and happy by choice.  I’ve also dealt with lingering physical challenges and constant pain as a result of three car accidents.  Although I’ve faced times of extreme disappointment and much of my life hasn’t turned out like I planned, I continue to find solutions to challenges, and I still love my life because I stay engaged in the process of creating a happy one.

With JOURNALriffic, you will address thoughts as they come up as a result of your present experiences.  The idea is to work through your emotions and challenges and consistently work toward turning your weaknesses into strengths and enjoying your life.  You will come to understand who you really are in light of the truth that no matter your past choices or experiences, you are not your history.  You will begin to clearly see that you create your life in your present moments.  Each day is a new beginning and holds countless opportunities for enjoyment, peace and the satisfying rewards of unselfish love.

Dr. Ronald Newsom gets right to the bottom line of defining your true identity when he says, “You are a good, unique person, endowed by your Creator, with sovereign [self-governing] power to act as a free, independent agent.”1

You have the intrinsic, God-given power to act and not be acted upon.  With the help of JOURNALriffic, you will learn to use that power to move quickly through the process of aligning your thoughts, feelings and actions with your innate, individual worth.  By doing so, you will ignite the proactive power within you which ignites the power of generations and provides far-reaching benefits.  As you stay actively engaged in leaving your life story better than you found it, your doubts, insecurities, limitations and fears will diminish.  You can proceed with vigor on the path that enables you to contribute your positive influence to the lives of those around you in your present moments.

It is my hope that you will benefit from this method of journaling so that you can extend your positive influence toward others in such a way that you will feel great satisfaction while taking deliberate action steps to experience more joy as you proactively create lasting happiness.

Use JOURNALriffic- Turn Your Pain Into Purpose With 4 Steps of Discovery to help you turn stress, anxious-thinking, anger and dysfunction, to hope, direction, happiness and peace.

***
1Newsom, Dr. Ronald. Life, Liberty, Happiness: Rediscovering Your True Identity. n.p. April 2013. Print

Disclosure of Material Connection:  In accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising,” I am disclosing that I am the author of JOURNALriffic, and I’m an affiliate of Amazon.

 

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

Serving people who have hidden heartaches and unresolved personal struggles, Carolyn Calton is the founder of FamilyTreeQuest.com and HealingYourFamily.com. As a ReNEW YOU Self Worth and Relationship Revitalization educator and coach, Carolyn teaches individuals and families how to turn from heartache to happiness in themselves, their families and family lines by understanding how to live true to who they really are as TODAY’s ChangeMakers. Those who join her ReNEW YOU Classes and Joyful Breakthrough Membership Circles learn how to turn stress, anxious-thinking, anger and dysfunction to hope, direction, happiness and peace. She is a teacher and facilitator of principles that can set the hearts of men and women free from the pain and chains of guilt, toxic shame and the effects of oppression. Her students are then empowered to walk forward with courage and confidence as they fill their highest priorities with stability and full purpose of heart.