Tag Archives: divorce

Co-dependence: The Walking Wounded, Part 2

Healing Heartache in Family Lines

Greetings! This week is Part 2 or our 3-part series on Co-dependence: The Walking Wounded.
If you missed Part 1, click here.

In co-dependent relationships, people put aside their own vital self-care and innate well-being and values to maintain a relationship with another person. They often feed off the neediness of another or devote all their life’s time and attention to them.

As a reminder from Part 1, Co-dependence is not the same as becoming “one-in-purpose” like in a healthy, harmonious relationship where two people interrelate with each other without losing their sense of individual gifts, strengths and identity and without compromising their values.

I spoke about how most professionals agree that co-dependency is about the loss of self-hood.
John Bradshaw states that “Co-dependency is a condition wherein one has no inner life. Happiness is on the outside. Good feelings and self-validation lie on the outside. Pia Mellody’s definition of co-dependency is “a state of dis – ease whereby the authentic self is unknown or kept hidden, so that a sense of self … of mattering … of esteem and connectedness to others is distorted, creating pain and distorted relationships.”

Think about it, if we keep looking outside ourself to feel like we matter, we face an impossible task and are constantly left unsatisfied since we don’t control, but only influence, the feelings of others. I speak more about this in my book, 3 Steppingstones to Feel Better About Yourself.

Co-dependency can leave men and women feeling like the walking wounded because
in co-dependent relationships people, including couples, who struggle with codependency often try to control each other to get what they want. Control is a form of force, therefore, it does not suit our natural, intuitive desires to bond and connect safely and securely with other individuals. Patterns of manipulation develop, and manipulation is a disguised form of force. Safe, secure bonding promotes the happiness and well-being of both people in the relationship. The force and control found within co-dependent relationships do not achieve that kind of safety and security. It is a false bond that can seem like true connection.

In order to heal heartache in family lines, we must first understand the cause and heal, with God’s help, from the inside out. There can be many causes for the heartache, yet in this series of three messages, we are continuing our discussion of one of those causes, namely, co-dependence.

John Bradshaw in his book Homecoming points out, “To be co-dependent is to be out of touch with one’s feelings, needs and desires,” and “Co-dependence is fostered in unhealthy family systems.”

Co-dependence fosters the loss of self-identity.

As you explore co-dependency, you will notice that freedom from destructive, dead-end generational patterns and beliefs, like co-dependence, makes room for healthy, productive, life-changing progress. The way is not always easy, but it IS possible.

Helpful Terms

Co-dependence should be distinguished as different from the inter-dependence found in healthy relationships.

It is helpful to understand the following terms and the meaning of each.

Dependent
Independent
Inter-dependent
Co-dependent

We are dependent as babies and in various degrees as we grow—In other words, we need others to be able to get what we want and need. Consider how an infant is dependent on adults to provide for their needs for food, shelter and more.
As we work toward becoming independent, we strive for self-mastery and maturity, or in other words, we seek to become fully responsible for our choices and accountable for their results.
Inter-dependence is combining our efforts with the efforts of others to achieve the highest good of all. When we are inter-dependent, we work together assertively—respecting our own feelings WHIL respecting the feelings of others. (This is not passive and not aggressive)

It’s important to recognize that Independence and Inter-dependence are NOT Selfish

Self-care is a crucial part of renewing our own energy to bring the best we have to offer to the table of cooperative, synergistic effort. It’s important to note that we can take time to edify, nourish and take care of our own mind, body and spirit without jeopardizing our ability to help and serve others. Selfishness is about the attitude and focus we have in serving ourselves in relation to others. Entirely self-focused effort while interacting with others is selfish.

So, let’s discuss co-dependence again

Beth Gilbert, in an article for Everyday Health says, “If your mood, happiness, and identity is defined by another person, then you could be in a codependent relationship. The word “codependency” gets thrown around a lot: There are codependent couples, codependent companions, and codependent caretakers. But what does codependent actually mean — and is it really all that bad?

“Codependency is typically discussed in the context of substance use, where one person is abusing the substance, and he or she depends on the other person to supply money, food, or shelter. But codependency is much broader than that,” says Jonathan Becker, DO, assistant professor of clinical psychiatry at Vanderbilt University in Nashville, Tennessee.

“Codependency can be defined as any relationship in which two people become so invested in each other that they can’t function independently anymore,” Dr. Becker says. “Your mood, happiness, and identity are defined by the other person. In a codependent relationship, there is usually one person who is more passive and can’t make decisions for themselves, and a more dominant personality who gets some reward and satisfaction from controlling the other person and making decisions about how they will live.”

Codependency becomes problematic when one person is taking advantage of the other financially or emotionally,” Becker says.

Do you see any co-dependent traits in yourself?

Remember to listen to for my podcasts, Co-dependence: The Walking Wounded:, Parts 1 and Part 3.

Need help knowing what TO do instead of following co-dependent patterns?

Access the Revitalize Your Inner Worth: Get Out of the S.L.U.D.G.E online course training to view at your own pace. Take a deeper dive into tips, tools and information that can help you make sense out of life. We put generational issues and addictive or abusive family patterns, and more, under the microscope for clarity of understanding. Our message is spreading across the globe. If you haven’t already, please go now and join the ChangeMaker Chain Breaker Phenomenon by JOINING the QUEST at FamilyTreeQuest.com so we can stay connected. We’re waiting for YOU!

As TODAY’s ChangeMaker Chain Breakers in our family lines, we are here to create positive change in spite of any disruptions or destructive patterns in our families of origin or in spite of what may be occurring in our family now.

It is my firm conviction that each of us can ignite the light of extraordinary family purpose in ourselves and our families. We do it by igniting the light of our own personal power to influence others for good through making principle-centered choices in order to secure the home and stabilize society.

Please check out my books, audio books and courses that can help you strengthen your ability to live beyond co-dependence. This excerpt has been taken from the Revitalize Your Inner Worth: Get Out of the S.L.U.D.G.E. Course. Break free and rise above destructive thought patterns, habit patterns and family patterns, so YOU can fill your highest priorities with full purpose of heart.

‘Till next time, THIS is Carolyn Calton

Click here to go to Part 3.

***
Disclaimer: Some links in this post are affiliate links or links to my own products.
This information is for educational purposes only and is not intended to replace medical or professional care.

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

Serving people who have hidden heartaches and unresolved personal struggles, Carolyn Calton is the founder of FamilyTreeQuest.com and HealingYourFamily.com. As a ReNEW YOU Self Worth and Relationship Revitalization educator and coach, Carolyn teaches individuals and families how to turn from heartache to happiness in themselves, their families and family lines by understanding how to live true to who they really are as TODAY’s ChangeMakers. Those who join her ReNEW YOU Classes and Joyful Breakthrough Membership Circles learn how to turn stress, anxious-thinking, anger and dysfunction to hope, direction, happiness and peace. She is a teacher and facilitator of principles that can set the hearts of men and women free from the pain and chains of guilt, toxic shame and the effects of oppression. Her students are then empowered to walk forward with courage and confidence as they fill their highest priorities with stability and full purpose of heart.

Co-dependence: The Walking Wounded, Part 3

Greetings! This is part 3 of my 3-part message titled, Co-dependence: The Walking Wounded.

Co-dependency can leave men and women feeling like the walking wounded. John Bradshaw in his book Homecoming, says, quote“Codependency is to be out of touch with one’s feelings, needs and desires.” End quote It is fostered in unhealthy family systems. It can go for generations without being understood or noticed. It fosters the loss of self-identity. If you feel like you don’t matter, co-dependent traits may be a large part of the cause.

It is my belief that we can change this destructive tendency in our day and age.

As a refresher, I hope you’ve had a chance to listen to Co-dependence: The Walking Wounded, Parts 1 and Part 2.

My message in Part 3 will be brief.

Now, let’s look at another sign of unhealthy co-dependence.

ENABLING

Enabling is another sign of an unhealthy co-dependence. Mary-Catherine Segota, a clinical psychologist at Counseling Resource Services in Winter Garden, Florida, describes enabling as a behavior that’s used to ease relationship tension caused by one partner’s problematic habits. Enabling behavior, which is rarely seen in healthy relationships, includes:

bailing your partner out0
repeatedly giving him or her another chance
ignoring the problem
accepting excuses
always being the one trying to fix the problem
constantly coming to the rescue

Codependent personalities usually follow a pattern of behaviors that are consistent, problematic, and directly interfere with the individual’s emotional health and ability to find fulfillment in a relationship.

Use my eBook or audio book, 3 Vital Steppingstones to Feel Better About Yourself and
find out what can lead you to having less chaotic stress and more hope and direction for a brighter future. Learn what to do and what to avoid in order to feel better about yourself.

If you are part of a dysfunctional family, in your quiet moments you may view yourself as wounded, broken, or socially impaired. Sometimes you may feel angry, hopeless, good-for-nothing, valueless. Sometimes you may overcompensate and be talkative about yourself and all your accomplishments, and yet want to hide what was oh-so-wrong with your upbringing or with your life now because it embarrasses you and you don’t want to be judged by other people. You may feel like you’re protecting someone. These are quiet, often unexpressed feelings of the heart that cause stress. People around you may never know what you really go through with these thoughts and feelings if you are getting up, going to work, or interacting with family, friends or people who simply cross your path in any way. You may appear “good at being an adult”, yet people don’t see that many times you’re playing a role and really don’t know what to do. You often feel stuck, unhappy, and you probably lacked good role models in your home of origin.

If you lived during your childhood or in your former relationships in a home full of dysfunctional behaviors playing out, or if you live now in a dysfunctional home and family, you may dread going home. You may be experiencing anxiety, depression, or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. There may be substance abuse, heated arguments, feuds, or the silent treatment going on. Psychological abuse or physical violence are all too common. Maybe your parents or you in your own home act like a dictator or were/are emotionally detached.

In dysfunctional families

Chaos is normal.
Achievements are often overlooked.
You feel like to need to “walk on eggshells”, be constantly alert and prepared for the worst.
You’re on high alert due to an unpredictable environment.
Apologies are rare.
You don’t learn how to deal with emotions in a healthy way.
and more

No wonder you may be out of touch with your thoughts, needs and feelings.

The good news is you have the power to make changes, and that change can start now.

You are NOT unlovable, powerless or responsible for someone else’s happiness.

You are responsible to take care of your own thoughts, feelings, attitudes, actions, values, and beliefs and let other people take care of theirs

When you try to “make” someone happy and they are not satisfied, you set yourself up for co-dependency. Notice, when you want to “make” someone be happy, can you see how the concept of “make” can lead to you taking steps to force or manipulate outcomes, as you try to control how they will feel or respond. Most times WE are uncomfortable when they are not happy, so we’d like to do something to change that. We may be concerned about angry outbursts from them, receiving the silent treatment or so many other responses. We may also truly want them to be happy, but our feelings and interactions are really enmeshed with theirs and we often times don’t see clearly at all while determining what action to take..

So again, when you try to “make” someone happy and they are not satisfied, you set yourself up for co-dependency. Co-dependency is being excessively dependent on another person in an unhealthy way for validation, approval, or identity. Frustration and feelings of not being good enough will abound. You will place an unreasonable burden on yourself if you try to meet all the needs and expectations of others. Most often, it’s at the expense of your own well-being. Trying to control what’s impossible to control (meaning their thoughts, feelings, attitudes, actions, values, and beliefs) will only result in misery.

What you DO have is influence.

You’ll be happier when you foster healthy relationships. That effort does involve supporting each other’s happiness while recognizing and respecting each other’s individuality and right to make choices for themselves.

Among other things, you can:

Support and encourage others.
Care about and love them.
Create a nurturing environment.
Set healthy personal boundaries.
Practice empathy.
Focus on self-care.
Practice assertive communication.

Your job is to do YOUR job, nothing more! Take care of your own thoughts, feelings, attitudes, actions, values, and beliefs and let other people take care of theirs. It’s an effort worth making,

My books, audio books and courses are designed to help you strengthen your ability to live beyond co-dependence. Part of this excerpt has been taken from the Revitalize Your Inner Worth: Get Out of the S.L.U.D.G.E. Course. You may also want to check out How to Be of Service Without Getting Hooked (meaning Getting Hooked into losing your own sense of inner worth by getting hooked into guilt, confusion, rejection, self-doubt, frustration, resentment, and depression. In it, I teach the life-changing materials of Marriage and Family Therapist and Ph.D., Ronald A Newsom. The video presentation will help you learn how to Think and Act with positive intent, regardless of the circumstances you encounter.

Let me help you break free and rise above destructive thought patterns, habit patterns and family patterns, so YOU can fill your highest priorities with full purpose of heart.

‘Till next time, THIS is Carolyn Calton

***
Disclaimer: Some links in this post are affiliate links or links to my own products.
This information is for educational purposes only and is not intended to replace medical or professional care.

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

Co-dependence: The Walking Wounded, Part 1

Listen to my podcast by clicking play above.

Greetings! Today’s topic is Co-dependence: The Walking Wounded, part 1 of 3 parts.

Co-dependence is a quality that is prevalent when a person is exposed to consistent dysfunction in relationships. It is being excessively dependent on another person in an unhealthy way for validation, approval or identity.

We are gathering in the TODAY’s ChangeMaker Chain Breaker Phenomenon to break cycles of dysfunction, chaos and unpredictability in order to heal physically, emotionally and spiritually
so we no longer feel like the walking wounded who are lost in a sea of uncertainty and wandering without purpose or direction. Sometimes, we realize and know that we have never been taught the principles that lead to lasting happiness.

We all have an innate need for warm, caring, loving relationships. Then, how do we end up feeling like the walking wounded who have painful and sometimes tragic lives?
Understanding co-dependence can begin to unlock some very troubling and often unanswered questions.

Questions from the Walking Wounded

How do we become men or women who feel out of touch with our own feelings, needs and desires?
How did we become full of self-doubts? Why are some of us continually longing for something more than experiencing fear, shame, loneliness, depression, anxious-thinking, or deep sadness that seem to encompass our very soul?
What happened to our spontaneous sense of wonder and to our natural creativity?
What happened to our happiness and why?

Well, We All Need Security and Healthy Modeling of Emotions

John Bradshaw offers an explanation relating to children, but since we need healthy modeling of emotions all during our lives, I believe this information can be appreciated and related to as applying to adults, at times of departure from our true worth, as well as to children.

In your mind, imagine two pictures of a 14-year-old boy.
The first picture shows a teenager whose home is full of distress, and the next teen represents a child that has a healthier home environment.
The first youth is sitting on a sofa with knees bent and his feet up on the sofa. His arms are folded on his knees and his head is resting on his arms. You cannot see his eyes but know he’s very sad, discouraged and he may have no idea what to do.
The next child is smiling from ear to ear. His hands are simply folded in front of him because he’s posing for a picture.
The contrast between the two is striking and the emotion of each child is evident. One is terribly sad, distraught and discouraged, vs the other, who is happy, almost joyful and free to be who he was created to be.

According to Bradshaw in his book Homecoming, he says quote “Children need security and healthy modeling of emotions in order to understand their own inner signals. They also need help in separating their thoughts from their feelings.” He points out how, when the child experiences extreme distress or trauma in the family environment , “the child must focus solely on the outside. Over time, he loses the ability to generate self-esteem from within. Without a healthy inner life, one is exiled to trying to find fulfillment on the outside. This is co-dependence

So, What is Co-dependence?

Bradshaw goes on to say, quote “To be codependent is to be out of touch with one’s feelings, needs and desires.” End quote

Co-dependence is not the same as becoming “one-in-purpose” like in a healthy, harmonious relationship where two people interrelate with each other without losing their sense of individual gifts, strengths and identity and without compromising their values.

In co-dependent relationships, people put aside their own vital self-care and innate well-being and values to maintain a relationship with another. They often feed off the neediness of another or devote all their life’s time and attention to them.

As you’re growing up or, even as an adult, when you trust and depend on someone that’s, in reality, not dependable, you can develop co-dependence without even knowing it. Emotional deficits begin to exist. Painful patterns of behavior develop. Co-dependency can develop even if you’ve had a peaceful upbringing. It can begin even if you’re bringing your own best efforts to a relationship and are willing to do what it takes to create harmony and fun.

When things aren’t going like you expected, you just recognize something’s off, but may not be able to put your finger on exactly what’s going wrong.

Let’s talk about The Loss of Self-hood

In a PBS special long ago, John Bradshaw used a mobile, which is kind of like a wind chime, to illustrate what happens in co-dependent relationships. The mobile is at rest, yet when one piece is tugged on, all the other pieces, of necessity, move. That’s how it is in a family system. If there’s someone with control issues, anger issues or addictions and so forth, the whole system is out of balance and strives to regain equilibrium again.

Most professionals agree that co-dependency is about the LOSS of self-hood. Bradshaw also states that “Co-dependency is a condition wherein one has no inner life. Happiness is on the outside. Good feelings and self-validation lie on the outside. Pia Mellody’s definition of co-dependency is “a state of dis – ease whereby the authentic self is unknown or kept hidden, so that a sense of self … of mattering … of esteem and connectedness to others is distorted, creating pain and distorted relationships.”

Bradshaw also says, “Co-dependence is fostered in unhealthy family systems. For example, everyone in an alcoholic family becomes co-dependent on the alcoholic’s drinking. The alcoholic father is absorbed in drinking and the codependent mother is absorbed with the alcoholic. Because the drinking is so life-threatening to each family member, they adapt by becoming chronically alert (which is called being hypervigilant). Adaptation to stress was intended by nature to be a temporary state. It was never intended to be chronic. Over time, a person living with the chronic distress of alcoholic behavior loses touch with his own internal cues—his own feelings, needs, and desires. The same is true for any … chronic distress, including addictions to work or …activities, eating disorders, addictions to control or perfectionism, or mental or physical illness.”

So, What’s Next?

Watch for Co—dependence: The Walking Wounded, Parts 2 and Part 3.

Do you need help knowing what TO do instead of following co-dependent patterns?

Access the Revitalize Your Inner Worth: Get Out of the S.L.U.D.G.E. online course trainings to view at your own pace. Take a deeper dive into tips, tools and information that can help you make sense out of life. We put generational issues and addictive or abusive family patterns, and more, under the microscope for clarity of understanding. AND, if you haven’t already, please go now and join the ChangeMaker Chain Breaker Phenomenon by JOINING the QUEST at FamilyTreeQuest.com so we can stay connected. We’re waiting for YOU!

As TODAY’s ChangeMakers in our family lines, we are here to create positive change in spite of any disruptions or destructive patterns in our families of origin or in spite of what may be occurring in our family now.

‘Till next time, THIS is Carolyn Calton

***
Disclaimer: Some links in this post are affiliate links or links to my own products.
This information is for educational purposes only and is not intended to replace medical or professional care.

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

A New Year For TODAY’s ChangeMakers

Every year on January 1^st, it’s my delight to wish a very Happy New Year to sincere, determined men and women who do not give up on creating positive change in themselves, their families and family lines. We want to stop perpetuating destructive behaviors and increase those that are beneficial to happiness in our relationships.. These are the people I call TODAY’s ChangeMaker Chain Breakers. Maybe that’s YOU!

As TODAY’s ChangeMaker Chain Breakers. we can look forward to a lot of joy in this new year. As we follow our guiding purposes, we empower ourselves to create positive change. For Today’s ChangeMaker Chain Breakers everywhere, I hope you will stay true to our guiding purposes which are to

Glean wisdom from the past rather than stay stuck in it.
Be happy and live a purpose-filled life as TODAY’s ChangeMaker.
Prepare courageously and confidently for the future—come what may.

This wonderful reminder from Jeffrey R. Holland is a perfect fit for the first guiding purpose of gleaning wisdom from the past rather than staying stuck in it.

He says, “As a new year begins and we try to benefit from a proper view of what has gone before, I plead with you not to dwell on days now gone nor to yearn vainly for yesterdays, however good those yesterdays may have been. The past is to be learned from but not lived in. We look back to claim the embers from glowing experiences but not the ashes. And when we have learned what we need to learn and have brought with us the best that we have experienced, then we look ahead and remember that faith is always pointed toward the future. Faith always has to do with blessings and truths and events that will yet be efficacious in our lives.

So a more theological way to talk about Lot’s wife is to say that she did not have faith. She doubted the Lord’s ability to give her something better than she already had. Apparently, she thought that nothing that lay ahead could possibly be as good as what she was leaving behind.

To yearn to go back to a world that cannot be lived in now, to be perennially dissatisfied with present circumstances and have only dismal views of the future, and to miss the here and now and tomorrow because we are so trapped in the there and then and yesterday are some of the sins of Lot’s wife.”

The story of Lot’s wife is found in the Bible. See Genesis 19:26.

Let us embrace our present moments as we elevate our daily life circumstances throughout the year.

To your happiness in this new Year,
Carolyn

If you have experienced divorce, mistreatment, addiction an/or abuse anywhere in your family or family line, and you’re looking for some guidance and support in this new year, check out the upcoming ReNEW YOU Classes and Joyful Breakthrough Membership Circles by CLICKING HERE.

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

Dead-end Traditions? A Tip to Use While Replacing Them

Dead-end traditions

Freedom from detrimental, dead-end traditions that stem from destructive generational patterns and beliefs makes room for healthy, productive, life-changing progress. The way is not always easy, but it IS possible.

As mentioned in a previous post titled, Traditions That Help, Rather Than Hurt, Families, we want to find ways to preserve our past without compromising our present. Sometimes that takes a change at the level of tradition, and breaking destructive traditions can seem like you are no longer loyal to the family—which can be extremely painful. Sometimes breaking those patterns can feel like we’re abandoning the family rather than improving the family for the sake of the living as well as those yet to come into your family line. This too, must be seen in the light of truth, or the fear of abandonment can shut you down.

Some traditions that tear down rather than build up individuals and families are:

Any tradition in which control or dominion is exerted one against another individual or group
Traditions that breed addiction
Anything based on the power of force
Looking down on others due one’s so-called station in life, their ethnicity or feelings of superiority
Anything that breeds conflict one person or one group against another
Traditions that lead to prejudice, jealousy, hatred, lack of forgiveness, greed, and so forth
Traditions that foster harsh words and criticisms, contentions, bickering and sarcasm

In our busy world, some of our positive traditions are part of activities where we can spend meaningful, healthy, uplifting time with our family members.

Tip for keeping your mental focus while developing new traditions

Tip: Remember, you can love your family members AND be true to who you really are and to what you feel called to do. Think about the words Or / And.

What happens when it comes to ourselves and breaking destructive family traditions that may seem like family loyalty is that we often think in terms of “OR” rather than thinking about using the word “AND”.

Example of OR thinking:
Using the example of a family in which the addiction of alcoholism is present, an example of this would be thinking “I can either drink with my family OR be shunned and disconnected if I don’t.

Example of AND thinking:
An example of AND thinking would be considering, “I can spend time with my family AND I can choose to not drink myself.”

“OR” thinking is usually fear-based, and keeps you stuck in negative traditions. It keeps destructive, non-productive patterns going strong.

“AND” thinking allows a person to break free and rise above destructive traditions and begin to thrive. This begins to set positive patterns for the present and future generations to follow. It gives family lines a chance that they may not have had without your courage and diligent effort which grows into your substantial, positive influence. Just think of it! YOURs may be the spark that ignites generations of power, and your courage and influence can make a profound difference in ways you do not see.

INspired Action Step

If this concept resonates with you and could positively impact your life, try this exercise:

1) Consider a painful, present-moment experience in which you feel stuck in a relationship or family tradition.
2) Write 5 sentences using the word OR in the middle, such as _________ OR _________. Example, “I can either drink with my family OR be shunned and disconnected if I don’t.”
3) Then, write 5 sentences using the word AND in the middle. Example, “I can spend time with my family AND I can choose to not drink myself.”

Remember, you can only choose how you show up and cannot control how another person responds or reacts to your choice. Being centered and anchored in your own purpose and INtention, as reflected in your AND statements, will strengthen you as you carry on, come what may.

Be sure to watch for the Healing Your Family blog post titled, Family Traditions. Out With the Bad. In With the Good.

YOU are TODAY’s ChangeMaker!

As TODAY’s ChangeMakers in our family lines, we are here to create positive change in spite of any disruptions or destructive patterns in our families of origin or in spite of what may be occurring in our family now.

Each of us can ignite the light of extraordinary family purpose in ourselves and our families. We do it by igniting the light of our own personal power to influence others for good through making principle-centered choices, in order to secure the home and stabilize society.

Check out my class offerings that can help you strengthen your ability to live according to the principles that govern happiness in yourself and in your relationships. This excerpt has been taken from the Revitalize Your Inner Worth: Get Out of the S.L.U.D.G.E. Class. Break free and rise above destructive thought patterns, habit patterns and family patterns, so YOU can fill your highest priorities with full purpose of heart.

CLICK HERE to see all free presentations and class offerings.

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

Traditions That Help, Rather Than Hurt, Families

Traditions and personal freedom

Traditions directly link to personal freedom. It would be wise to make choices connected to our traditions, that will help, and not hurt, ourselves and our families. Freedom from destructive, dead-end generational patterns and beliefs makes room for healthy, productive, life-changing progress. The way is not always easy, but it IS possible.

A word about tradition

Maybe you remember the movie Fiddler on the Roof.
An online film synopsis states that the movie “tells the life-affirming story of Tevye, a poor milkman [with five daughters] whose love, pride and faith help him face the oppression of turn-of-the century czarist Russia. Set in 1905, their lives seemed as precarious as ‘a fiddler on the roof.”

In these memorable lines from the movie, Tevye says,

“A fiddler on the roof. Sounds crazy, no? But in our little village of Anatevka, you might say every one of us is a fiddler on the roof, trying to scratch out a pleasant, simple tune without breaking his neck. It isn’t easy. You may ask, why do we stay up here if it’s so dangerous? We stay because Anatevka is our home. And how do we keep our balance? That I can tell you in a word—tradition!

Because of our traditions, we’ve kept our balance for many, many years. Here in Anatevka we have traditions for everything—how to eat, how to sleep, how to wear clothes. For instance, we always keep our heads covered and always wear a little prayer shawl. This shows our constant devotion to God. You may ask, how did this tradition start? I’ll tell you—I don’t know! But it’s a tradition. Because of our traditions, everyone knows who he is and what God expects him to do.”

Help, don’t hurt

Because traditions become such an inherent part of us and they are followed and accepted, often without thinking about it, it may be hard to evaluate between their constructive or destructive impact in our lives. They’re simply familiar! We want to help and not hurt ourselves and others, therefore, it’s incumbent upon each of us to find ways to cherish and value positive traditions from our ethnic, cultural, or national heritages. Yet, we must be mindful of those that tear down and destroy self-worth and relationships and find the courage and tenacity to create more positive results instead. This is what truly benefits humanity. After all, isn’t it right that each generation improve and build better, brighter tomorrows as they stand on the shoulders of those who came before them? Usually, that’s what our ancestors would want so that their sacrifices would not have been in vain.

Some traditions that tear down rather than build up individuals and families are:

Any tradition in which control or dominion is exerted one against another individual or group
Traditions that breed addiction
Anything based on the power of force
Looking down on others due one’s so-called station in life, their ethnicity or feelings of superiority
Anything that breeds conflict one person or one group against another
Traditions that lead to prejudice, jealousy, hatred, lack of forgiveness, greed, and so forth
Traditions that foster harsh words and criticisms, contentions, bickering and sarcasm

In our busy world, some of our positive traditions are part of activities where we can spend meaningful, healthy, uplifting time with our family members.

Dieter F. Uchtdorf puts it nicely when he says, “If we fail to give our best personal self and undivided time to those who are truly important to us, one day we will regret it.” “Let us resolve to cherish those we love by spending meaningful time with them, doing things together and cultivating treasured memories.”

Elevate your traditions

Making a break from the chains of false or destructive traditions can be hard. There can be naysayers and those who criticize or persecute. Some friends or family members may turn away or argue that you’re wrong—possibly causing self-doubts or fears. But, I believe, that deep within us there is an inner knowing of what is ours to do, and if elevating a tradition for ourselves and future generations is part of our life’s mission, then we will find he wherewithal to stay the course.

When the effort to change traditions becomes hard, remember that at birth, your spirit came from the presence of God—as the poet Wordsworth says, “trailing clouds of glory”. So, your ultimate Heritage of Wholeness comes from you being HIS son or HIS daughter. Therefore, the wisest course of action is to remain loyal to traditions that accurately reflect His teachings. Those decisions will bring you true happiness and the greatest inner peace.

After all, we want to find ways to preserve our past without compromising our present. Sometimes that takes a change at the level of tradition, and breaking destructive traditions can seem like you are no longer loyal to the family—which can be extremely painful. Sometimes breaking those patterns can feel like we’re abandoning the family rather than improving the family for the sake of the living as well as those yet to come into your family line. This too, must be seen in the light of truth, or the fear of abandonment can shut you down.

YOU are TODAY’s ChangeMaker!

Check out these class offerings that can help you strengthen your ability to live according to the principles that govern happiness in yourself and in your relationships. This excerpt has been taken from the Revitalize Your Inner Worth: Get Out of the S.L.U.D.G.E. Class. Break free and rise above destructive thought patterns, habit patterns and family patterns, so YOU can fill your highest priorities with full purpose of heart.

CLICK HERE to see all free presentations and class offerings.

References:
[“Fiddler on the Roof,” in Great Musicals of the American Theatre, ed. Stanley Richards, vol. 1 (Radnor, Pennsylvania: Chilton Book Company, 1973), p. 393]

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

Holiday Time and Traditions of the Fathers

Holiday time- What’s it like for you?

Holiday time can be an amazing and fun time…or not. Memories of “Christmas Past” can help us or haunt us—depending upon our life experiences, many of which have to do with our families of origin.

As we touched on in a previous post titled Family Trees- Inter-generational Patterns and You, our family systems have a huge effect on our belief systems—which influence how we spend the holidays and what we do in our traditional celebrations.

Traditions of the Fathers

The values and beliefs we pick up from those in our family line who went before us are often referred to as “the traditions of the fathers”. These traditions are family patterns. In other words, their values, thought patterns and habit patterns have had an influence on us. Because everyone is human, their influence usually includes both positives and negatives in different proportions for each individual.

As you may know, on the internet, I am known as Family Tree Gal. I love to say, “As we value our history, it becomes clear how we can become our best, most happy and capable selves. We learn what personal character traits contribute to strong, safe, secure family relationships, and, in contrast, we can see what detracts from and destroys them. This knowledge helps us develop a healthy concern about contributing positively to the future of our own family line.”

INfluence

Most families have within them combinations of good influences as well as areas that need lots of improvement. Some family patterns and traditions influence us for good such as traditions of families gathering together for happy holiday celebrations, or saying please and thank you and treating yourself and others with kindness and respect. We can develop patterns of patriotism, faith, prayer and qualities of character such as honesty, trustworthiness, responsibility, fairness, caring and civility.

Some family patterns get in our way

In contrast to happy Christmas celebrations, there are those children who may even be adults now, that get sick to their stomach knowing a family celebration is coming, because, let’s say for example, Dad gets drunk and, although things are okay for awhile, he ends up abusing [either verbally or physically] mom and/or the children.

Children begin to take on personal beliefs that are out of alignment with their true identity as a child of God with a divine nature and purpose for living and contributing to their family and humanity. Their inner worth is affected in serious ways. Using the example above, they may begin to believe, for instance, that

they don’t matter or
they are not important or
what they see as “love” draws them to conclude that “love” hurts
or that men can’t be trusted,

Some patterns of thinking and being that result from these influences become habits and may be so familiar to us that they are not even called into question. Any consistent action that leads to prejudice, jealousy, hatred, lack of forgiveness, greed and other negative energies would fall into this category. Frequent harsh words and criticisms, contentions, bickering and sarcasm can become what we view as normal in family relationships if that’s what we’re constantly exposed to in the environment at home.

YOU are TODAY’s ChangeMaker!

Check out these class offerings that can help you strengthen your ability to live according to the principles that govern happiness in yourself and in your relationships. This excerpt has been taken from the Revitalize Your Inner Worth: Get Out of the S.L.U.D.G.E. Class. That class was created especially for highly frustrated or deeply discouraged men and women who have experienced the disruptive ripple effects of divorce (as an adult or child), mistreatment, addiction or abuse that has touched their lives, their family or is found anywhere in their family lines. Break free and rise above destructive thought patterns, habit patterns and family patterns, so YOU can fill your highest priorities with full purpose of heart.

CLICK HERE to see all free presentations and class offerings.

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

SELF-WORTH- You Matter, No Matter What

Self-worth. You Matter. No Matter What!

No matter our heritage, one way or another, we all seem to learn who we’re NOT before we remember who we really are. There are hundreds of thousands of experiences and daunting challenges that chip away consistently at our perception of our self worth and sense of personal value.

It is my belief that every child, every person that comes into the world has the potential to make a difference! Every child, every person matters. And the worth of every child, every person is of infinite worth to the Creator of the unique and self-governing spirit within each one of us—the spirit that gives us life.

So, though it’s important to remember that each of us can make a difference, whether large or small, and feel great satisfaction and joy through sincerely and empathetically using the power of our positive influence, It is vital that we each remember that our worth is not determined by what we’ve done. We have worth because of who we ARE to our Creator. We have worth just because we exist.

Spiritual Vitality Tip: Create a bountiful harvest of goodness.

Dieter Uchtdorf has said, “Perhaps you don’t consider yourself all that useful; perhaps you don’t consider yourself a blessing in somebody’s life. Often, when we look at ourselves, we see only our limitations and deficiencies. We might think we have to be “more” of something for God to use us—more intelligent, more wealthy, more charismatic, more talented, more spiritual. Blessings will come not so much because of your abilities but because of your choices. And the God of the universe will work within and through you, magnifying your humble efforts for his purposes. How encouraging it is to know, though we are imperfect, if our hearts are turned to God, He will be generous and kind and use us for His purposes. No matter your position in your community…, God will use you, if you are wiling. He will magnify your righteous desires and turn the compassionate actions you sow into a bountiful harvest of goodness.

YOU are TODAY’s ChangeMaker!

Check out my class offerings that can help you strengthen your ability to live according to the principles that govern happiness in yourself and in your relationships. This excerpt has been taken from the Revitalize Your Inner Worth: Get Out of the S.L.U.D.G.E. Class. Break free and rise above destructive thought patterns, habit patterns and family patterns, so YOU can fill your highest priorities with full purpose of heart.

CLICK HERE to see all free presentations and class offerings. linked to

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

Create a Bountiful Harvest of Goodness in Your Family

My Yearly Harvest-time Tip:
Create a bountiful harvest of goodness. Yes, you!

Dieter F, Uchtdorf has said, “Perhaps you don’t consider yourself all that useful; perhaps you don’t consider yourself a blessing in somebody’s life. Often, when we look at ourselves, we see only our limitations and deficiencies. We might think we have to be “more” of something for God to use us—more intelligent, more wealthy, more charismatic, more talented, more spiritual. Blessings will come not so much because of your abilities but because of your choices. And the God of the universe will work within and through you, magnifying your humble efforts for his purposes. How encouraging it is to know, though we are imperfect, if our hearts are turned to God, He will be generous and kind and use us for His purposes. No matter your position in your community…, God will use you, if you are wiling. He will magnify your righteous desires and turn the compassionate actions you sow into a bountiful harvest of goodness.

If you need help getting a grip by discovering or revitalizing your inner sense of self-worth, check out this class training: Revitalize Your Inner Worth: Get Out of the S.L.U.D.G.E.
1) The COMPLETE class is designed for deeply discouraged or highly frustrated men and women who have experienced the disruptive ripple effects of divorce, mistreatment, addiction and/or abuse in themselves (as a child or adult), or in their family or family lines.
2) The MINI CLASS zeros in on the basics of elevating thought patterns, habit patterns and family patterns.
Check out all my class offerings by CLICKING HERE.

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

Spiritual Vitality During Times of Distress

“There are depths in the sea which the storms that lash the surface into fury never reach. They who reach down into the depths of life where, in the stillness, the voice of God is heard, have the stabilizing power which carries them poised and serene through the hurricane of difficulties.” ~Spencer W. Kimball

In order to maintain your spiritual vitality and stability while creating positive generational change, prayer and scripture study are vital elements
in coming to understand God and how to access His power to help you through adversity,

Then, you feel of His love, and your faith grows.
And exercising FAITH in God IS the power that changes everything!

Join our TODAY’s ChangeMaker Movement by Joining the Quest at www.FamilyTreeQuest.com

Reference:
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1973/10/the-rewards-the-blessings-the-promises?lang=eng

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

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Questions from the Walking Wounded

Well, We All Need Security and Healthy Modeling of Emotions

So, What is Co-dependence?

Let’s talk about The Loss of Self-hood

So, What’s Next?

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Dead-end traditions

Tip for keeping your mental focus while developing new traditions

INspired Action Step

YOU are TODAY’s ChangeMaker!

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

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Traditions and personal freedom

A word about tradition

Help, don’t hurt

Elevate your traditions

YOU are TODAY’s ChangeMaker!

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

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Holiday time- What’s it like for you?

Traditions of the Fathers

INfluence

Some family patterns get in our way

YOU are TODAY’s ChangeMaker!

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

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Self-worth. You Matter. No Matter What!

Spiritual Vitality Tip: Create a bountiful harvest of goodness.

YOU are TODAY’s ChangeMaker!

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

Share this:

My Yearly Harvest-time Tip: Create a bountiful harvest of goodness. Yes, you!

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

Share this:

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

Share this:

My Yearly Harvest-time Tip:
Create a bountiful harvest of goodness. Yes, you!