Tag Archives: dysfunction

A New Year For TODAY’s ChangeMakers

Every year on January 1st, it’s my delight to wish a very Happy New Year to sincere, determined men and women who do not give up on creating positive change in themselves, their families and family lines.  We want to stop perpetuating destructive behaviors and increase those that are beneficial to happiness in our relationships.. These are the people I call TODAY’s ChangeMaker Chain Breakers.  Maybe that’s YOU!

As TODAY’s ChangeMaker Chain Breakers. we can look forward to a lot of joy in this new year.  As we follow our guiding purposes, we empower ourselves to create positive change.  For Today’s ChangeMaker Chain Breakers everywhere, I hope you will stay true to our guiding purposes which are to

  • Glean wisdom from the past rather than stay stuck in it.
  • Be happy and live a purpose-filled life as TODAY’s ChangeMaker.
  • Prepare courageously and confidently for the future—come what may.

This wonderful reminder from Jeffrey R. Holland is a perfect fit for the first guiding purpose of gleaning wisdom from the past rather than staying stuck in it.

He says, “As a new year begins and we try to benefit from a proper view of what has gone before, I plead with you not to dwell on days now gone nor to yearn vainly for yesterdays, however good those yesterdays may have been. The past is to be learned from but not lived in. We look back to claim the embers from glowing experiences but not the ashes. And when we have learned what we need to learn and have brought with us the best that we have experienced, then we look ahead and remember that faith is always pointed toward the future. Faith always has to do with blessings and truths and events that will yet be efficacious in our lives.

So a more theological way to talk about Lot’s wife is to say that she did not have faith. She doubted the Lord’s ability to give her something better than she already had. Apparently, she thought that nothing that lay ahead could possibly be as good as what she was leaving behind.

To yearn to go back to a world that cannot be lived in now, to be perennially dissatisfied with present circumstances and have only dismal views of the future, and to miss the here and now and tomorrow because we are so trapped in the there and then and yesterday are some of the sins of Lot’s wife.”

The story of Lot’s wife is found in the Bible. See Genesis 19:26.

Let us embrace our present moments as we elevate our daily life circumstances throughout the year.

To your happiness in this new Year,
Carolyn

If you have experienced divorce, mistreatment, addiction an/or abuse anywhere in your family or family line, and you’re looking for some guidance and support in this new year, check out the upcoming ReNEW YOU Classes and Joyful Breakthrough Membership Circles by CLICKING HERE.

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

Serving people who have hidden heartaches and unresolved personal struggles, Carolyn Calton is the founder of FamilyTreeQuest.com and HealingYourFamily.com. As a ReNEW YOU Self Worth and Relationship Revitalization educator and coach, Carolyn teaches individuals and families how to turn from heartache to happiness in themselves, their families and family lines by understanding how to live true to who they really are as TODAY’s ChangeMakers. Those who join her ReNEW YOU Classes and Joyful Breakthrough Membership Circles learn how to turn stress, anxious-thinking, anger and dysfunction to hope, direction, happiness and peace. She is a teacher and facilitator of principles that can set the hearts of men and women free from the pain and chains of guilt, toxic shame and the effects of oppression. Her students are then empowered to walk forward with courage and confidence as they fill their highest priorities with stability and full purpose of heart.

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Family Traditions: Out With the Bad, In With the Good

Our family traditions help create our family patterns

I contributed a chapter called THE IMPORTANCE OF FAMILY TRADITIONS to Jennifer Jones Smith’s book 12 Weeks to Greater Peace, Joy & Love in Your Family. I will be using some of those thoughts, along with some adaptations, here.

I wrote, “Traditions are a way of passing family values through the generations.  Because what happens at home extends into society and then into the world, it’s important that we examine patterns in our daily interactions with family members and carefully consider creating healthy traditions at home.  The words, thoughts and opinions of our family members, during daily living as well as during traditional holiday celebrations and events, have a great impact of our own feelings about who we are and what we have to contribute to our family and the world.  If our family patterns are uplifting and edifying, we tend to feel strengthened and view the family as important, loving, and a place we want to be.  If our repetitive patterns of interacting with each other are full of put-downs, sarcasm and prejudices, we have little or no desire to try to connect in meaningful ways again and, almost unknowingly because of repetitive exposure to distress and chaos we can begin to pass on unhealthy behavioral patterns to new generations because of the modeling that stems from our own family of origin.

OUT WITH THE BAD.  IN WITH THE GOOD.

… we can be very resistant to change.  However, it is well-worth examining our own [ways of interacting with family members and take a look at the ingrained patterns we’re establishing.  Let’s notice the way we relate to others and the way others relate to us.  When doing this with a sincere desire to improve, we can take an objective, rather than critical, view of ourselves and our relatives.  When we come to understand the truth of what is really happening, we position ourselves to make choices that foster our well-being and the highest good for all concerned.

Our feelings about ourselves shape our lives.  Many, if not most, people never question or take more than a superficial look at how they act and what they really do because it’s so familiar. By establishing healthy daily interactions, then when it comes to celebrating family seasonal traditions, individuals have something to look forward to and are left with feelings that each family member is important, cared about and valued by the others.  Thus, we establish healthy family bonds of love, mutual admiration and respect.  We also come to feel positive self-worth, and we notice an increase in our sense of family responsibility.

In homes spilling over with daily dysfunction, however, there are far too many family members who know, from past experience, that the upcoming seasonal traditions connected to a holiday celebration are nothing to “celebrate”.  In fact, the very thought of them triggers feelings of dread by many children due to former family patterns of adult neglect or abuse from which they feel there is no escape.  When destructive influences are present, homes become rampant with disrespect, criticism and shame. Children from such homes often feel bewildered, disillusioned or even hopeless and helpless.  In an all-too-common example where dad gets drunk and ends up verbally or physically abusing mom and/or the children.  It’s time to let go and eliminate these false “traditions of the fathers” and establish new traditions because “that which is familiar is not always that which is best”.

YOU CAN

Unless conscious choices are made to create change, history will tend to repeat itself in our family lines.  EACH INDIVIDUAL can be the change catalyst their family line has been waiting for.  Some, more than others, have heavier burdens to carry because of their families of origin, yet everyone has the capacity to create positive change from their own generation forward.  By living mindfully in our present moments, we can ALL overcome obstacles and be a positive influence.  We can continue making choices and establishing traditions that are uplifting, fun and encouraging to our family members, and we can eliminate those that are not.

I spoke of 2 types of traditions. 1) daily routines, and 2) holiday traditions.:

  1. Daily Routines

    Some of us fail to see our daily routines as being part of what can be considered “traditions of the fathers”, but if seen for the benefits they hold, these traditional routines can be a major source of stability, structure and add to feelings of safety and security within a home.

    Since my children were very young, I encouraged many traditional routine interactions. We say please and thank you, send holiday greeting cards and thank you notes when gifts are given, mail birth announcements when babies are born, knock on a family member’s door and wait for an answer before entering their room, and use courteous speech and respectful interactions with others.  We say our personal and family prayers, attend church weekly, say a blessing on the food to name a few. We worked on consistency, rather than perfection.  Each family member also had daily work-in-the-house or yard responsibilities. Now they are raised, some of my children have maintained these routines, and some have not.
  2. Seasonal Holiday Traditions

    Our holiday traditions were among our favorite times– beginning with decorations around the house and on the front door to match the season. When some of my children had moved away, it became a time of gathering the family back together.  We were by no means a perfect family, but to give you an idea of some of the more positive things that were part of our celebrations, I offer these thoughts.Music played almost constantly in our home.  I prepared traditional foods which create memorable smells and reminders of the familiar feeling of “home for the holidays”.  I tried to prepare by buying supplies a few weeks early and scheduling time on the calendar to pull out the plastic tubs of decorations from storage so all those involved in helping will not be surprised with last minute interruptions to their own plans. I hope that these elements of birthdays and other holiday celebrations, added to happy memories for my children.

Here are a few tips for establishing healthy, happy family patterns and traditions: (Some of which I learned the hard way)

DAILY:

  • Decide to integrate some specific, healthy, stabilizing daily routines.
  • Encourage healthy self-worth in each family member, including yourself, by avoiding negative comments and negative self-talk and criticism.
  • Don’t rush. Take time to validate the thoughts and feelings of children as well as adults.
  • Let go of any unrealistic expectations you may have of yourself or others.
  • “If you can’t turn the corners up, let the middle sag.”- Unknown
  • Have Courage. Use loving Diligence. Create Excellence.

SEASONAL TRADITIONS:

  • Remember that no family is perfect, so imperfection is part of every attempt while creating something new.
  • Be patient while you and your family try to achieve more harmony and happiness together.
  • Look for the good.
  • Capture memories with pictures, video and write about it in journals or scrapbooks.
  • Have fun! Laugh a lot. Create joyful memories.
  • Evaluate what went well and what didn’t. Integrate the success into your next event.  Build on that.

If this hasn’t been your pattern, TURN it around and take the first step in creating something new.

Worth Every Effort

With each new day comes new opportunities to create positive change.  Although we cannot control the actions of others, we do have influence in their lives.  I have found that it is worth every effort to consciously decide to create positive family patterns, traditions and wonderful memories by using the power of one’s own positive influence.  We thereby do our part to create positive change–which best serves our family today and also greatly benefits future generations.

YOU are TODAY’s ChangeMaker!

As TODAY’s ChangeMakers in our family lines, we are here to create positive change in spite of any disruptions or destructive patterns in our families of origin or in spite of what may be occurring in our family now.

Each of us can ignite the light of extraordinary family purpose in ourselves and our families.  We do it by igniting the light of our own personal power to influence others for good through making principle-centered choices, in order to secure the home and stabilize society.

Check out my class offerings that can help you strengthen your ability to live according to the principles that govern happiness in yourself and in your relationships.  This excerpt has been taken from the Revitalize Your Inner Worth: Get Out of the S.L.U.D.G.E. Class.  Break free and rise above destructive thought patterns, habit patterns and family patterns, so YOU can fill your highest priorities with full purpose of heart.

CLICK HERE to see all free presentations and class offerings.

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

Serving people who have hidden heartaches and unresolved personal struggles, Carolyn Calton is the founder of FamilyTreeQuest.com and HealingYourFamily.com. As a ReNEW YOU Self Worth and Relationship Revitalization educator and coach, Carolyn teaches individuals and families how to turn from heartache to happiness in themselves, their families and family lines by understanding how to live true to who they really are as TODAY’s ChangeMakers. Those who join her ReNEW YOU Classes and Joyful Breakthrough Membership Circles learn how to turn stress, anxious-thinking, anger and dysfunction to hope, direction, happiness and peace. She is a teacher and facilitator of principles that can set the hearts of men and women free from the pain and chains of guilt, toxic shame and the effects of oppression. Her students are then empowered to walk forward with courage and confidence as they fill their highest priorities with stability and full purpose of heart.

Dead-end traditions. ReNEW YOU Healing Heartache green header with picture of a family tree

Dead-end Traditions? A Tip to Use While Replacing Them

Dead-end traditions

Freedom from detrimental, dead-end traditions that stem from destructive generational patterns and beliefs makes room for healthy, productive, life-changing progress.  The way is not always easy, but it IS possible.

As mentioned in a previous post titled, Traditions That Help, Rather Than Hurt, Families, we want to find ways to preserve our past without compromising our present.  Sometimes that takes a change at the level of tradition, and breaking destructive traditions can seem like you are no longer loyal to the family—which can be extremely painful.  Sometimes breaking those patterns can feel like we’re abandoning the family rather than improving the family for the sake of the living as well as those yet to come into your family line. This too, must be seen in the light of truth, or the fear of abandonment can shut you down.

Some traditions that tear down rather than build up individuals and families are:

  • Any tradition in which control or dominion is exerted one against another individual or group
  • Traditions that breed addiction
  • Anything based on the power of force
  • Looking down on others due one’s so-called station in life, their ethnicity or feelings of superiority
  • Anything that breeds conflict one person or one group against another
  • Traditions that lead to prejudice, jealousy, hatred, lack of forgiveness, greed, and so forth
  • Traditions that foster harsh words and criticisms, contentions, bickering and sarcasm

In our busy world, some of our positive traditions are part of activities where we can spend meaningful, healthy, uplifting time with our family members.

Tip for keeping your mental focus while developing new traditions

Tip: Remember, you can love your family members AND be true to who you really are and to what you feel called to do. Think about the words Or / And.

What happens when it comes to ourselves and breaking destructive family traditions that may seem like family loyalty is that we often think in terms of “OR” rather than thinking about using the word “AND”.

Example of OR thinking:
Using the example of a family in which the addiction of alcoholism is present, an example of this would be thinking “I can either drink with my family OR be shunned and disconnected if I don’t.

Example of AND thinking:
An example of AND thinking would be considering, “I can spend time with my family AND I can choose to not drink myself.”

“OR” thinking is usually fear-based, and keeps you stuck in negative traditions.  It keeps destructive, non-productive patterns going strong.

“AND” thinking allows a person to break free and rise above destructive traditions and begin to thrive.  This begins to set positive patterns for the present and future generations to follow.  It gives family lines a chance that they may not have had without your courage and diligent effort which grows into your substantial, positive influence.  Just think of it!  YOURs may be the spark that ignites generations of power, and your courage and influence can make a profound difference in ways you do not see.

INspired Action Step

If this concept resonates with you and could positively impact your life, try this exercise:

1) Consider a painful, present-moment experience in which you feel stuck in a relationship or family tradition.
2) Write 5 sentences using the word OR in the middle, such as  _________ OR _________.  Example, “I can either drink with my family OR be shunned and disconnected if I don’t.”
3) Then, write 5 sentences using the word AND in the middle. Example, “I can spend time with my family AND I can choose to not drink myself.”

Remember, you can only choose how you show up and cannot control how another person responds or reacts to your choice.  Being centered and anchored in your own purpose and INtention, as reflected in your AND statements, will strengthen you as you carry on, come what may.

Be sure to watch for the Healing Your Family blog post titled, Family Traditions. Out With the Bad. In With the Good.  

YOU are TODAY’s ChangeMaker!

As TODAY’s ChangeMakers in our family lines, we are here to create positive change in spite of any disruptions or destructive patterns in our families of origin or in spite of what may be occurring in our family now.

Each of us can ignite the light of extraordinary family purpose in ourselves and our families.  We do it by igniting the light of our own personal power to influence others for good through making principle-centered choices, in order to secure the home and stabilize society.

Check out my class offerings that can help you strengthen your ability to live according to the principles that govern happiness in yourself and in your relationships.  This excerpt has been taken from the Revitalize Your Inner Worth: Get Out of the S.L.U.D.G.E. Class.  Break free and rise above destructive thought patterns, habit patterns and family patterns, so YOU can fill your highest priorities with full purpose of heart.

CLICK HERE to see all free presentations and class offerings.

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

Serving people who have hidden heartaches and unresolved personal struggles, Carolyn Calton is the founder of FamilyTreeQuest.com and HealingYourFamily.com. As a ReNEW YOU Self Worth and Relationship Revitalization educator and coach, Carolyn teaches individuals and families how to turn from heartache to happiness in themselves, their families and family lines by understanding how to live true to who they really are as TODAY’s ChangeMakers. Those who join her ReNEW YOU Classes and Joyful Breakthrough Membership Circles learn how to turn stress, anxious-thinking, anger and dysfunction to hope, direction, happiness and peace. She is a teacher and facilitator of principles that can set the hearts of men and women free from the pain and chains of guilt, toxic shame and the effects of oppression. Her students are then empowered to walk forward with courage and confidence as they fill their highest priorities with stability and full purpose of heart.

Dead-end traditions. ReNEW YOU Healing Heartache green header with picture of a family tree

Family Patterns: Where’s the HAPPY in Holidays?

Family Patterns

Are negative family patterns getting In the way of your “Happy” in Holidays and your “Merry” in Christmas?

As we each contemplate holiday celebrations, we may not be fully aware of family patterns (deep-seated beliefs) that might be sabotaging our thinking and getting in the way of our happiness.  This causes us to shrink away from our best expression of who we really are.

Are you shrinking away from your sense of self-worth?

There are some distinct family patterns that tend to cause us to shrink away from who we really are and have a destructive influence on our inner worth.

Freedom from destructive, dead-end generational patterns and beliefs makes room for healthy, productive, life-changing progress.  The way is not always easy, but it IS possible.

These deep-seated beliefs usually interfere with 3 distinct areas of our life, and often, we don’t see the connection.  The 3 areas are relationships, money, and our bodies.
They may come from spoken or unspoken teachings.

Using the area of RELATIONSHIPS, I’ve chosen to mention some destructive thinking patterns that may stem from our perceptions that can originate from our family patterns.

Underlying Family Patterns/Beliefs about Relationships

Take note of any the YOU may be believing:

Men hurt women or women hurt men
We need to be snappy or angry to be heard.
People can’t be trusted.
I’ll always be taken advantage of.
Husbands hurt wives (or visa versa), therefore, my husband (or wife) will hurt me.
Men don’t show up for women. (or vise versa)
I’m strong only if I do everything myself.
I have to be passive and dependent on a man to keep him
I feel alone, but it’s okay for my husband to be emotionally unavailable.
Nothing I do to work on my relationship will matter.
The best way to handle a relationship is to not trust, not speak up for myself and don’t acknowledge my feelings.

Here are some common beliefs about money

Having lots of money makes me successful.
Having lots of money makes me sinful.
God will punish me if I have too much money.
I’ll be greedy if I have too much money, so I would rather not have a lot.
There’s “not enough” (money)
Rich people are bad.
Poor people are bad.
I don’t deserve to have what I want.
If I don’t have a college education and great career, I have no value.
body (health, view of self, etc.)
I must look beautiful ( or be thin or exercise more than other people) or I’m not “good enough”
I need to look young to have value.
People who are sick are weak.
People who are sick get attention.
Thin people are bad.
Heavy people are bad
Pretty girls get in trouble.
Beautiful people aren’t smart.

Did you notice any of those patterns that you may be continuing to pass on? Are they interfering with your happiness as you contemplate upcoming celebrations with family or friends.  Are any of these beliefs about yourself dragging you down emotionally?  Are you setting yourself up for history to repeat itself?

Unless conscious choices are made to create a different reality, history will tend to repeat itself in our family lines.  We ALL can be positive in our influence, but it takes work.  EACH INDIVIDUAL can be the change catalyst their family line has been waiting for.  Some, more than others, have heavier burdens to carry because of their families of origin.

YOU are TODAY’s ChangeMaker!

As TODAY’s ChangeMakers in our family lines, we are here to create positive change in spite of any disruptions or destructive patterns in our families of origin or in spite of what may be occurring in our family now.

Each of us can ignite the light of extraordinary family purpose in ourselves and our families.  We do it by igniting the light of our own personal power to influence others for good through making principle-centered choices, in order to secure the home and stabilize society.

Check out these class offerings that can help you strengthen your ability to live according to the principles that govern happiness in yourself and in your relationships.  This excerpt has been taken from the Revitalize Your Inner Worth: Get Out of the S.L.U.D.G.E. Class.  Break free and rise above destructive thought patterns, habit patterns and family patterns, so YOU can fill your highest priorities with full purpose of heart.

CLICK HERE to see all free presentations and class offerings.

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

Serving people who have hidden heartaches and unresolved personal struggles, Carolyn Calton is the founder of FamilyTreeQuest.com and HealingYourFamily.com. As a ReNEW YOU Self Worth and Relationship Revitalization educator and coach, Carolyn teaches individuals and families how to turn from heartache to happiness in themselves, their families and family lines by understanding how to live true to who they really are as TODAY’s ChangeMakers. Those who join her ReNEW YOU Classes and Joyful Breakthrough Membership Circles learn how to turn stress, anxious-thinking, anger and dysfunction to hope, direction, happiness and peace. She is a teacher and facilitator of principles that can set the hearts of men and women free from the pain and chains of guilt, toxic shame and the effects of oppression. Her students are then empowered to walk forward with courage and confidence as they fill their highest priorities with stability and full purpose of heart.

green header Family Tree Friday Healing Heartache in Family Lines with URLs

Holiday Time and Traditions of the Fathers

Holiday time- What’s it like for you?

Holiday time can be an amazing and fun time…or not.  Memories of “Christmas Past” can help us or haunt us—depending upon our life experiences, many of which have to do with our families of origin.

As we touched on in a previous post titled Family Trees- Inter-generational Patterns and You, our family systems have a huge effect on our belief systems—which influence how we spend the holidays and what we do in our traditional celebrations.

Traditions of the Fathers

The values and beliefs we pick up from those in our family line who went before us are often referred to as “the traditions of the fathers”.  These traditions are family patterns.  In other words, their values, thought patterns and habit patterns have had an influence on us.  Because everyone is human, their influence usually includes both positives and negatives in different proportions for each individual.

As you may know, on the internet, I am known as Family Tree Gal.  I love to say, “As we value our history, it becomes clear how we can become our best, most happy and capable selves.  We learn what personal character traits contribute to strong, safe, secure family relationships, and, in contrast, we can see what detracts from and destroys them.  This knowledge helps us develop a healthy concern about contributing positively to the future of our own family line.”

family tree gal quote yellow-orange graphic by Carolyn Calton

INfluence

Most families have within them combinations of good influences as well as areas that need lots of improvement.  Some family patterns and traditions influence us for good such as traditions of families gathering together for happy holiday celebrations, or saying please and thank you and treating yourself and others with kindness and respect.  We can develop patterns of patriotism, faith, prayer and qualities of character such as honesty, trustworthiness, responsibility, fairness, caring and civility.

 Some family patterns get in our way

In contrast to happy Christmas celebrations, there are those children who may even be adults now, that get sick to their stomach knowing a family celebration is coming, because, let’s say for example,  Dad gets drunk and, although things are okay for awhile, he ends up abusing [either verbally or physically] mom and/or the children.

Children begin to take on personal beliefs that are out of alignment with their true identity as a child of God with a divine nature and purpose for living and contributing to their family and humanity.  Their inner worth is affected in serious ways. Using the example above, they may begin to believe, for instance, that

  • they don’t matter or
  • they are not important or
  • what they see as “love” draws them to conclude that “love” hurts
  • or that men can’t be trusted,

Some patterns of thinking and being that result from these influences become habits and may be so familiar to us that they are not even called into question.  Any consistent action that leads to prejudice, jealousy, hatred, lack of forgiveness, greed and other negative energies would fall into this category.  Frequent harsh words and criticisms, contentions, bickering and sarcasm can become what we view as normal in family relationships if that’s what we’re constantly exposed to in the environment at home.

YOU are TODAY’s ChangeMaker!

As TODAY’s ChangeMakers in our family lines, we are here to create positive change in spite of any disruptions or destructive patterns in our families of origin or in spite of what may be occurring in our family now.

Each of us can ignite the light of extraordinary family purpose in ourselves and our families.  We do it by igniting the light of our own personal power to influence others for good through making principle-centered choices, in order to secure the home and stabilize society.

Check out these class offerings that can help you strengthen your ability to live according to the principles that govern happiness in yourself and in your relationships.  This excerpt has been taken from the Revitalize Your Inner Worth: Get Out of the S.L.U.D.G.E. Class.  That class was created especially for highly frustrated or deeply discouraged men and women who have experienced the disruptive ripple effects of divorce (as an adult or child), mistreatment, addiction or abuse that has touched their lives, their family or is found anywhere in their family lines.  Break free and rise above destructive thought patterns, habit patterns and family patterns, so YOU can fill your highest priorities with full purpose of heart.

CLICK HERE to see all free presentations and class offerings.

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

Serving people who have hidden heartaches and unresolved personal struggles, Carolyn Calton is the founder of FamilyTreeQuest.com and HealingYourFamily.com. As a ReNEW YOU Self Worth and Relationship Revitalization educator and coach, Carolyn teaches individuals and families how to turn from heartache to happiness in themselves, their families and family lines by understanding how to live true to who they really are as TODAY’s ChangeMakers. Those who join her ReNEW YOU Classes and Joyful Breakthrough Membership Circles learn how to turn stress, anxious-thinking, anger and dysfunction to hope, direction, happiness and peace. She is a teacher and facilitator of principles that can set the hearts of men and women free from the pain and chains of guilt, toxic shame and the effects of oppression. Her students are then empowered to walk forward with courage and confidence as they fill their highest priorities with stability and full purpose of heart.

Family Traditions. ReNEW YOU Red Healing Heartache In Family Lines Header with URLs

SELF-WORTH- You Matter, No Matter What

Self-worth.  You Matter.  No Matter What!

No matter our heritage, one way or another, we all seem to learn who we’re NOT before we remember who we really are. There are hundreds of thousands of experiences and daunting challenges that chip away consistently at our perception of our self worth and sense of personal value.

It is my belief that every child, every person that comes into the world has the potential to make a difference!  Every child, every person matters.  And the worth of every child, every person is of infinite worth to the Creator of the unique and self-governing spirit within each one of us—the spirit that gives us life.

So, though it’s important to remember that each of us can make a difference, whether large or small, and feel great satisfaction and joy through sincerely and empathetically using the power of our positive influence, It is vital that we each remember that our worth is not determined by what we’ve done.  We have worth because of who we ARE to our Creator.  We have worth just because we exist.

Brown Mountains with quote on top by Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Spiritual Vitality Tip: Create a bountiful harvest of goodness.

Dieter Uchtdorf has said, “Perhaps you don’t consider yourself all that useful; perhaps you don’t consider yourself a blessing in somebody’s life.  Often, when we look at ourselves, we see only our limitations and deficiencies.  We might think we have to be “more” of something for God to use us—more intelligent, more wealthy, more charismatic, more talented, more spiritual.  Blessings will come not so much because of your abilities but because of your choices. And the God of the universe will work within and through you, magnifying your humble efforts for his purposes.  How encouraging it is to know, though we are imperfect, if our hearts are turned to God, He will be generous and kind and use us for His purposes.  No matter your position in your community…, God will use you, if you are wiling.  He will magnify your righteous desires and turn the compassionate actions you sow into a bountiful harvest of goodness.

YOU are TODAY’s ChangeMaker!

As TODAY’s ChangeMakers in our family lines, we are here to create positive change in spite of any disruptions or destructive patterns in our families of origin or in spite of what may be occurring in our family now.

Each of us can ignite the light of extraordinary family purpose in ourselves and our families.  We do it by igniting the light of our own personal power to influence others for good through making principle-centered choices, in order to secure the home and stabilize society.

Check out my class offerings that can help you strengthen your ability to live according to the principles that govern happiness in yourself and in your relationships.  This excerpt has been taken from the Revitalize Your Inner Worth: Get Out of the S.L.U.D.G.E. Class.  Break free and rise above destructive thought patterns, habit patterns and family patterns, so YOU can fill your highest priorities with full purpose of heart.

CLICK HERE to see all free presentations and class offerings. linked to

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

Serving people who have hidden heartaches and unresolved personal struggles, Carolyn Calton is the founder of FamilyTreeQuest.com and HealingYourFamily.com. As a ReNEW YOU Self Worth and Relationship Revitalization educator and coach, Carolyn teaches individuals and families how to turn from heartache to happiness in themselves, their families and family lines by understanding how to live true to who they really are as TODAY’s ChangeMakers. Those who join her ReNEW YOU Classes and Joyful Breakthrough Membership Circles learn how to turn stress, anxious-thinking, anger and dysfunction to hope, direction, happiness and peace. She is a teacher and facilitator of principles that can set the hearts of men and women free from the pain and chains of guilt, toxic shame and the effects of oppression. Her students are then empowered to walk forward with courage and confidence as they fill their highest priorities with stability and full purpose of heart.

Dead-end traditions. ReNEW YOU Healing Heartache green header with picture of a family tree

Family Trees: Inter-generational Patterns and You

Personal and Family freedom:  Heal yourself to heal your Family

Freedom from destructive, dead-end generational patterns and beliefs makes room for healthy, productive, life-changing progress.  The way is not always easy, but it IS possible.

Especially at holiday time where traditions take center stage:

Do know that family patterns and belief systems are at work influencing your life today?

How is that so?

Why does it matter?

Parents influence our habits, skills, values, language, mannerisms, the way we treat others and more. Our ancestors have passed down their own perceptions about life, love and happiness (among a myriad of other things) to their children for many generations.  Whether we know it or not, we are influenced by their ways of thinking, behaving and believing.

How Your Inter-generational Family Influences Your Life Today

It’s important to recognize that we all have perceptions in our present day that have largely been influenced by our inter-generational family. These include perceptions about people, relationships, education, service, religion, devotions to family, devotion to country, and so forth. These perceptions are like seeds that grow into our family patterns and belief systems.

In her book, Feelings Buried Alive Never Die, Karol Truman said, “The perceptions that created our beliefs, and the degree to which they were validated, soon determined the PATTERN, or the road map, which we have followed throughout our life.”

Why It Matters

Your own perceptions of life, love and happiness then influence every daily choice you make.  Like smooth stones cast into a perfectly still lake, your choices, both positive and negative, influence many generations after you through their ripple effect. What happens in your home then extends to society and impacts society and the world, therefore, it is imperative that you pay attention to what happens in your home.

I once penned this little verse:
Secure the home, secure society.
Stabilize the home, stabilize society.
Don’t let chaos reign supreme.
~Carolyn Calton

As TODAY’s ChangeMakers in our family lines, we are here to create positive change in spite of any disruptions or destructive patterns in our families of origin or in spite of what may be occurring in our family now.

Each of us can ignite the light of extraordinary family purpose in ourselves and our families.  We do it by igniting the light of our own personal power to influence others for good through making principle-centered choices, in order to secure the home and stabilize society.

Check out these class offerings that can help you strengthen your ability to live according to the principles that govern happiness in yourself and in your relationships.  This blog post excerpt has been taken from the Revitalize Your Inner Worth: Get Out of the S.L.U.D.G.E. Class.  Break free and rise above destructive thought patterns, habit patterns and family patterns, so YOU can fill your highest priorities with full purpose of heart.

CLICK HERE to see all free presentations and class offerings.

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

Serving people who have hidden heartaches and unresolved personal struggles, Carolyn Calton is the founder of FamilyTreeQuest.com and HealingYourFamily.com. As a ReNEW YOU Self Worth and Relationship Revitalization educator and coach, Carolyn teaches individuals and families how to turn from heartache to happiness in themselves, their families and family lines by understanding how to live true to who they really are as TODAY’s ChangeMakers. Those who join her ReNEW YOU Classes and Joyful Breakthrough Membership Circles learn how to turn stress, anxious-thinking, anger and dysfunction to hope, direction, happiness and peace. She is a teacher and facilitator of principles that can set the hearts of men and women free from the pain and chains of guilt, toxic shame and the effects of oppression. Her students are then empowered to walk forward with courage and confidence as they fill their highest priorities with stability and full purpose of heart.

Prison bar background to header that says, "Are You In The Prison of Unforgiveness?"

Unforgiveness: The Prison of Unforgiveness

Let’s talk about unforgiveness–not forgiving others–and it’s consequence to you.

Are You In the Prison of Unforgiveness?

Forgiving is the way to not let the past hold you prisoner to your own pain. Today, we’ll consider this question, “Are you holding yourself hostage in the prison of unforgiveness?:

Holding on to anger, bitterness, hatred and feelings of vengeance is like YOU drinking poison yourself and expecting the OTHER person to die.  It just isn’t a good thing to do because it backfires!

False Ideas, Cleverly Disguised

Feeling justified in not forgiving someone feeds the false idea of having power OVER someone else, and is so cleverly disguised that you think you are NOT the one getting hurt.  You may never in a million years even consider that you are only hurting yourself because your blame of someone else for your own pain keeps you blinded to the role your own thoughts and feelings play.

Blame and Unforgiveness Are Connected

In the article, Blaming Others: Hurts You More Than It Hurts Them , Holly Brown, LFMT says, “Don’t get me wrong.  Sometimes other people are to blame.  Sometimes you are completely and totally and utterly correct in thinking that it’s someone else’s fault.

But once you’ve tried to get them to see that and failed, once they refuse to take responsibility, or if you are habitually blaming others rather than formulating a solution–then what?

The problem with blaming others is that it can often leave you powerless.  For example, you confront the person (your boss, your spouse, your parent, your child), and they say, “No, I didn’t,” or worse, “So what if I did?”, then you’re left with all this anger and hurt and no resolution.

All your feelings are legitimate.  It’s important to feel them fully, and then move on.  Nursing your grievances indefinitely is a bad habit, because (as the title goes) it hurts you more than it hurts them.

…  It is true that living well is the best revenge, and if you’re fanning the flames of your anger toward others for long periods of time, then you’re certainly not living well.”

Can you see the truth in what she says?

Ossie

Photo of Ossie, a Holocaust survivor, dressed in gray slacks with a maroon sweater.

In 2016, I was privileged to speak with a Holocaust survivor named Ossie, for about ½ hour, just the two of us. As we talked, with riveted attention, I soaked in his experiences but mostly absorbed, straight into my heart, some of the lessons he learned through that atrocious experience.  The most memorable to me was the fact that he saw many fellow survivors after the war.  He said the ones who did not forgive were eaten up inside themselves with hatred.  They were consumed with anger and rage, and stayed that way.  Those who forgave went on to live more productive lives.  It was apparent that Ossie had forgiven.

Sharing the Lesson of Forgiveness vs Unforgiveness

Ossie’s first-hand perspective about a principle I already knew to be true, impacted me so much, that, later in the day, after his presentation to High School Students, I asked him to share what he learned about forgiveness with my oldest grandson—hoping that that powerful life lesson from a Holocaust survivor might continue have an impact through the generations in my own family.  The ripple effect of his sharing this powerful life lesson will continue to ripple though many lives—the lives of each student, teacher, or loved one in attendance that day—especially if those stories are written in journals, to be remembered after life gets busy and hectic and things are easily forgotten.

Oprah

Photo of Oprah Winfrey having one of her famous "AH HA" moments.

Oprah Winfrey is a notable public figure whose own eyes were opened to facets of forgiveness she had not thought about before.  Viewed by the world as highly successful, she has been innovative, hard-working and influential which led to her achieving the distinction of being a billionaire.

Whether you agree with her points of view or not, her life story carries within it a particularly poignant example of rising above the odds. Personally, I am an advocate of not judging a person’s life by the chapter I happened to walk in on.  We all have our own sorrow, pains and things we’ve overcome and are still overcoming.  In that spirit, I’d like to share some powerful things Oprah had to say about her transcendent moment and paradigm shift relating to the concept of forgiveness.

Oprah’s Difficult Life Challenges

As a matter of background and according to the Internet Movie Database, Oprah was born to a teenage mother, was raised in abject poverty partially by her grandmother, and she was raped at the age of 9 by a 19-year-old cousin who was babysitting her. She was also sexually abused by a family friend, her mother’s boyfriend, and her uncle. When she was just 14, she gave birth to a baby boy who died after 2 weeks due to complications of being born 2 months premature.

She had a lot in her life that could have held her back, and she had a lot to forgive.  In one of Oprah’s Life Classes on the Oprah Winfrey Network, she said this, “After 25 years and more than 30,000 guests, … it was one man’s definition of forgiveness that changed my life. In her interview, she said, ‘Harold, you mentioned that the secret to really finding true happiness is forgiveness. What do you mean by that?’  Harold responded, ‘It really means letting go of the past.  It really means letting go of our perception that we need to hold a grievance the rest of our lives. If we really want to hold on to grievances, we’ll never really be happy. It’s really a willingness to see the person in the light of love rather than in the action that happened.  So, it’s really changing the perception, and it really means LETTING GO OF THE PAST THAT WE THOUGHT WE WANTED. You know, we can’t really change that past, so it means really releasing the negative perception of it and coming back to the present. [Hold on until you see how this affected Oprah]

Oprah’s Transcendent Moment

Oprah then said, ‘that was a transcendent moment for me. Bigger even than an Ah Ha. He said, FORGIVENESS IS GIVING UP THE HOPE THAT THE PAST COULD BE ANY DIFFERENT.  I think for myself, and I know many of you, you think forgiving means accepting what has happened to you.  Well, it is accepting that it HAS happened to you, not accepting that it was okay for it to happen, it is accepting that it HAS happened, and now, what do I do about it.  Forgiving is giving up the hope, not holding on, hoping, wishing that it could have been any other way than it actually was. Giving up the hope that the past could be any different. And, when I got that, I think it took me to the next level of being a better person because I don’t hold grudges for ANYTHING or any situation! And neither should you. It’s letting go so that the past does not hold YOU prisoner—does not hold YOU hostage.

Watch on YouTube by clicking here.

Oprah is known to have said,
“The best advice touches the part of you that knows it’s true.”

Can you feel the truth of these statements about forgiveness?

The past CANNOT be changed-no matter how much you spend your time and energy wishing it could.  It cannot be different.  It is what it is.

Tyler Perry, shares this.
“When you haven’t forgiven those who’ve hurt you, you turn your back against your future.
When you do forgive, you start walking forward.”

Forgiveness is the way and means by which we do not pull the past into our present moments and project it into the future. It is one significant way we free ourselves from living in bondage to our emotional pain. -Carolyn Calton

Forgiving Can Be Hard

Remember that sometimes you need help outside yourself.  Reach up.  Look toward heaven.

Jesus Christ made possible both repenting (obtaining a change of mind and heart) and being forgiven. He also can empower us to forgive others. God has the power to help you rise above your own perceived capacity to forgive—even with things that sometimes appear unforgivable. I know I have been helped by Him as I have called upon Him in prayer.  He has the power to help you see forgiveness in a different light, if you desire it.

Following God’s laws is what brings happiness, true security and inner peace. Don’t let unforgiveness stand in the way of true happiness and satisfaction at the deepest levels of your soul. Be sure to take care of not only the physical and emotional parts of your “self”, but the spiritual as well. Access the help you need to increase your spiritual vitality and learn to live in harmony with who you really are..

Three Questions Worth Considering

1) Is unforgiveness (a lack of forgiving others) affecting the harmony you could have within yourself, and in that way entangling you and derailing your thinking into unproductive efforts that subtly affect your inner worth, overall?
2) Who do you need to forgive?
3) What will you do with this knowledge?

Turn Your Pain Into Purpose

I’d like to remind you that you might benefit from journaling your thoughts as you process any uncomfortable, yet life-freeing emotions. The JOURNALriffic Method of Journal writing may help you turn your emotional pain into purpose.

Writing out your thoughts on paper or typing them on the computer can help you see clearly and understand what your hurt is all about. It can also help you find the life-changing, sustainable, principle-centered solutions you seek in order to be happy. Turn your back on being stuck in ruminating thoughts about your emotional pain and its cause. Take a step in the right direction. Integrate journal-writing and journal keeping into your emotional health routine today.

YOU are TODAY’s ChangeMaker!

As TODAY’s ChangeMakers in our family lines, we must proactively free ourselves from the prison of unforgiveness. We are here to create positive change in spite of any disruptions or destructive patterns in our lives as well as those stemming from our families of origin. That includes any situations in the past or in spite of what may be occurring in our life or in our family now.

Each of us can ignite the light of extraordinary family purpose in ourselves and our families.  We do it by igniting the light of our own personal power to influence others for good through making principle-centered choices, in order to secure the home and stabilize society.

Check out my class offerings that can help you strengthen your ability to live according to the principles that govern happiness in yourself and in your relationships.  This excerpt has been taken from the Revitalize Your Inner Worth: Get Out of the S.L.U.D.G.E. Class.  Break free and rise above destructive thought patterns, habit patterns and family patterns, so YOU can fill your highest priorities with full purpose of heart.

CLICK HERE to see all free presentations and class offerings.

***
Disclosure of material connection: I am the author of JOURNALriffic -Turn Your Pain Into Purpose.

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

Serving people who have hidden heartaches and unresolved personal struggles, Carolyn Calton is the founder of FamilyTreeQuest.com and HealingYourFamily.com. As a ReNEW YOU Self Worth and Relationship Revitalization educator and coach, Carolyn teaches individuals and families how to turn from heartache to happiness in themselves, their families and family lines by understanding how to live true to who they really are as TODAY’s ChangeMakers. Those who join her ReNEW YOU Classes and Joyful Breakthrough Membership Circles learn how to turn stress, anxious-thinking, anger and dysfunction to hope, direction, happiness and peace. She is a teacher and facilitator of principles that can set the hearts of men and women free from the pain and chains of guilt, toxic shame and the effects of oppression. Her students are then empowered to walk forward with courage and confidence as they fill their highest priorities with stability and full purpose of heart.

Fighting silhouette of couple fighting and sad teens and child on brown background about disrupted families

Disrupted Families: Divorce, Mistreatment, Abuse

Have your life been touched by the disruptive ripple effects of divorce as a child or adult, or mistreatment, or tremendous loss, addiction or abuse? If not, this information may be useful to a friend or family member that you care about.

Don’t forget the inter-generational influence that your ancestors have had on your parents and on you.  Sometimes learning about family disruption or trauma in generations before you will help you make sense of why things are as they’ve been in your family line.  Learning this information can help build bridges of understanding between the generations.

pink flowering tree on green spot of grass with description about how the mind is a garden

YOU hold within yourself the seeds of change. 
Re-framing your perception can change everything!

Are you forgetting that your ancestor’s stories may hold some answers for you?

Don’t forget the inter-generational influence that your ancestors have had on your parents and on you.  Sometimes learning about family disruption or trauma in generations before you will help you make sense of why things are as they’ve been in your family line.  Learning this information can help build bridges of understanding between the generations.

Start by asking questions of your living relatives. There are also free sites on the Internet where you can begin your search for information about your ancestors that may include access to stories of their lives or links to living relatives that may hold answers to some missing puzzle pieces in your own family history. One such site is Family Search. They encourage you to “find and discover yourself”. Learn where you came from, and get to know who you are.

Understanding their life stories and parts of their own history of facing adversity holds the possibility of creating a new perspective for you.  It can lead to the freedom of forgiveness, release of the past or to shifts in your point of view that can help create healing as you move forward toward living a happier, more peaceful life.

Bearing grudges, holding resentment and other negative feelings in your heart, including hatred, leads to unforgiveness, and unforgiveness is like giving someone else free rent in your head and heart.  You replay this history over and over again.

You don’t need to be close to them or trust them, but letting go of not forgiving them will free your soul to thrive. Not forgiviing only traps you in never-ending cycles of self-inflicted pain.


YOU are TODAY’s ChangeMaker In Your Disrupted Family!

As TODAY’s ChangeMakers in our family lines, we are here to create positive change in spite of any disruptions or destructive patterns in our families of origin or in spite of what may be occurring in our family now.

Each of us can ignite the light of extraordinary family purpose in ourselves and our families.  We do it by igniting the light of our own personal power to influence others for good through making principle-centered choices, in order to secure the home and stabilize society.

Check out these class offerings that can help you strengthen your ability to live according to the principles that govern happiness in yourself and in your relationships.  This excerpt has been taken from the Revitalize Your Inner Worth: Get Out of the S.L.U.D.G.E. Class.  Break free and rise above destructive thought patterns, habit patterns and family patterns, so YOU can fill your highest priorities with full purpose of heart. 

CLICK HERE to see all free presentations and class offerings.

family trees, genealogy, forgiveness, patterns, dysfunction, generational change, generational healing, family, perceptions, beliefs

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

Serving people who have hidden heartaches and unresolved personal struggles, Carolyn Calton is the founder of FamilyTreeQuest.com and HealingYourFamily.com. As a ReNEW YOU Self Worth and Relationship Revitalization educator and coach, Carolyn teaches individuals and families how to turn from heartache to happiness in themselves, their families and family lines by understanding how to live true to who they really are as TODAY’s ChangeMakers. Those who join her ReNEW YOU Classes and Joyful Breakthrough Membership Circles learn how to turn stress, anxious-thinking, anger and dysfunction to hope, direction, happiness and peace. She is a teacher and facilitator of principles that can set the hearts of men and women free from the pain and chains of guilt, toxic shame and the effects of oppression. Her students are then empowered to walk forward with courage and confidence as they fill their highest priorities with stability and full purpose of heart.

Black background, young child with tear from eye, young woman and young man sad beyond belief

Co-dependence: The Walking Wounded, Part 3 

Co-dependency can leave men and women feeling like the walking wounded. John Bradshaw in his book Homecoming, says, “Codependency is to be out of touch with one’s feelings, needs and desires.” It is fostered in unhealthy family systems.  It can go for generations without being understood or noticed. It fosters the loss of self-identity. It is my belief that we can change this destructive tendency in our day and age.

As a refresher, I hope you’ve had a chance to read The Walking Wounded:  Co—dependence, Parts 1 and Part 2 .  Now, let’s look at another sign of unhealthy co-dependence.


ENABLING

Enabling is another sign of an unhealthy co-dependence. Mary-Catherine Segota, a clinical psychologist at Counseling Resource Services in Winter Garden, Florida, describes enabling as a behavior that’s used to ease relationship tension caused by one partner’s problematic habits. Enabling behavior, which is rarely seen in healthy relationships, includes:

  • bailing your partner out
  • repeatedly giving him or her another chance
  • ignoring the problem
  • accepting excuses
  • always being the one trying to fix the problem
  • constantly coming to the rescue

Codependent personalities usually follow a pattern of behaviors that are consistent, problematic, and directly interfere with the individual’s emotional health and ability to find fulfillment in a relationship.”


Need Help Knowing What TO Do Instead of Following Co-dependent Patterns? 

For your understanding, make sure to read The Walking Wounded:  Co—dependence, Parts 1 and Part 2.

Access our Revitalize Your Inner Worth: Get Out of the S.L.U.D.G.E online class trainings to view at your own pace. There is a mini-class that helps you elevate your thought, patterns, habit patterns and family patterns (just the basics), and a complete class that takes a deeper dive into tips, tools and information that can help you make sense out of life. We put generational issues and addictive or abusive family patterns, and more, under the microscope for clarity of understanding. If you’re looking for small group support as well as online coaching, so you can put an end to the isolation of feeling alone, JOIN US for our Revitalize Your Inner Worth: Get Out of the S.L.U.D.G.E Joyful Breakthrough Membership Circles. We’re waiting for YOU!

CLICK HERE to view ALL the free presentations and other current support we have for you.


YOU are TODAY’s ChangeMaker!

As TODAY’s ChangeMakers in our family lines, we are here to create positive change in spite of any disruptions or destructive patterns in our families of origin or in spite of what may be occurring in our family now.

Each of us can ignite the light of extraordinary family purpose in ourselves and our families.  We do it by igniting the light of our own personal power to influence others for good through making principle-centered choices, in order to secure the home and stabilize society.

Check out these class offerings that can help you strengthen your ability to live beyond
co-dependence.  This excerpt in this blog post has been taken from the Revitalize Your Inner Worth: Get Out of the S.L.U.D.G.E. Class.  Break free and rise above destructive thought patterns, habit patterns and family patterns, so YOU can fill your highest priorities with full purpose of heart. 

CLICK HERE to see ALL free presentations and class offerings.

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

Serving people who have hidden heartaches and unresolved personal struggles, Carolyn Calton is the founder of FamilyTreeQuest.com and HealingYourFamily.com. As a ReNEW YOU Self Worth and Relationship Revitalization educator and coach, Carolyn teaches individuals and families how to turn from heartache to happiness in themselves, their families and family lines by understanding how to live true to who they really are as TODAY’s ChangeMakers. Those who join her ReNEW YOU Classes and Joyful Breakthrough Membership Circles learn how to turn stress, anxious-thinking, anger and dysfunction to hope, direction, happiness and peace. She is a teacher and facilitator of principles that can set the hearts of men and women free from the pain and chains of guilt, toxic shame and the effects of oppression. Her students are then empowered to walk forward with courage and confidence as they fill their highest priorities with stability and full purpose of heart.