Our family traditions help create our family patterns
I contributed a chapter called THE IMPORTANCE OF FAMILY TRADITIONS to Jennifer Jones Smith’s book 12 Weeks to Greater Peace, Joy & Love in Your Family. I will be using some of those thoughts, along with some adaptations, here.
I wrote, “Traditions are a way of passing family values through the generations. Because what happens at home extends into society and then into the world, it’s important that we examine patterns in our daily interactions with family members and carefully consider creating healthy traditions at home. The words, thoughts and opinions of our family members, during daily living as well as during traditional holiday celebrations and events, have a great impact of our own feelings about who we are and what we have to contribute to our family and the world. If our family patterns are uplifting and edifying, we tend to feel strengthened and view the family as important, loving, and a place we want to be. If our repetitive patterns of interacting with each other are full of put-downs, sarcasm and prejudices, we have little or no desire to try to connect in meaningful ways again and, almost unknowingly because of repetitive exposure to distress and chaos we can begin to pass on unhealthy behavioral patterns to new generations because of the modeling that stems from our own family of origin.
OUT WITH THE BAD. IN WITH THE GOOD.
… we can be very resistant to change. However, it is well-worth examining our own [ways of interacting with family members and take a look at the ingrained patterns we’re establishing. Let’s notice the way we relate to others and the way others relate to us. When doing this with a sincere desire to improve, we can take an objective, rather than critical, view of ourselves and our relatives. When we come to understand the truth of what is really happening, we position ourselves to make choices that foster our well-being and the highest good for all concerned.
Our feelings about ourselves shape our lives. Many, if not most, people never question or take more than a superficial look at how they act and what they really do because it’s so familiar. By establishing healthy daily interactions, then when it comes to celebrating family seasonal traditions, individuals have something to look forward to and are left with feelings that each family member is important, cared about and valued by the others. Thus, we establish healthy family bonds of love, mutual admiration and respect. We also come to feel positive self-worth, and we notice an increase in our sense of family responsibility.
In homes spilling over with daily dysfunction, however, there are far too many family members who know, from past experience, that the upcoming seasonal traditions connected to a holiday celebration are nothing to “celebrate”. In fact, the very thought of them triggers feelings of dread by many children due to former family patterns of adult neglect or abuse from which they feel there is no escape. When destructive influences are present, homes become rampant with disrespect, criticism and shame. Children from such homes often feel bewildered, disillusioned or even hopeless and helpless. In an all-too-common example where dad gets drunk and ends up verbally or physically abusing mom and/or the children. It’s time to let go and eliminate these false “traditions of the fathers” and establish new traditions because “that which is familiar is not always that which is best”.
YOU CAN
Unless conscious choices are made to create change, history will tend to repeat itself in our family lines. EACH INDIVIDUAL can be the change catalyst their family line has been waiting for. Some, more than others, have heavier burdens to carry because of their families of origin, yet everyone has the capacity to create positive change from their own generation forward. By living mindfully in our present moments, we can ALL overcome obstacles and be a positive influence. We can continue making choices and establishing traditions that are uplifting, fun and encouraging to our family members, and we can eliminate those that are not.
I spoke of 2 types of traditions. 1) daily routines, and 2) holiday traditions.:
- Daily Routines
Some of us fail to see our daily routines as being part of what can be considered “traditions of the fathers”, but if seen for the benefits they hold, these traditional routines can be a major source of stability, structure and add to feelings of safety and security within a home.
Since my children were very young, I encouraged many traditional routine interactions. We say please and thank you, send holiday greeting cards and thank you notes when gifts are given, mail birth announcements when babies are born, knock on a family member’s door and wait for an answer before entering their room, and use courteous speech and respectful interactions with others. We say our personal and family prayers, attend church weekly, say a blessing on the food to name a few. We worked on consistency, rather than perfection. Each family member also had daily work-in-the-house or yard responsibilities. Now they are raised, some of my children have maintained these routines, and some have not. - Seasonal Holiday Traditions
Our holiday traditions were among our favorite times– beginning with decorations around the house and on the front door to match the season. When some of my children had moved away, it became a time of gathering the family back together. We were by no means a perfect family, but to give you an idea of some of the more positive things that were part of our celebrations, I offer these thoughts.Music played almost constantly in our home. I prepared traditional foods which create memorable smells and reminders of the familiar feeling of “home for the holidays”. I tried to prepare by buying supplies a few weeks early and scheduling time on the calendar to pull out the plastic tubs of decorations from storage so all those involved in helping will not be surprised with last minute interruptions to their own plans. I hope that these elements of birthdays and other holiday celebrations, added to happy memories for my children.
Here are a few tips for establishing healthy, happy family patterns and traditions: (Some of which I learned the hard way)
DAILY:
- Decide to integrate some specific, healthy, stabilizing daily routines.
- Encourage healthy self-worth in each family member, including yourself, by avoiding negative comments and negative self-talk and criticism.
- Don’t rush. Take time to validate the thoughts and feelings of children as well as adults.
- Let go of any unrealistic expectations you may have of yourself or others.
- “If you can’t turn the corners up, let the middle sag.”- Unknown
- Have Courage. Use loving Diligence. Create Excellence.
SEASONAL TRADITIONS:
- Remember that no family is perfect, so imperfection is part of every attempt while creating something new.
- Be patient while you and your family try to achieve more harmony and happiness together.
- Look for the good.
- Capture memories with pictures, video and write about it in journals or scrapbooks.
- Have fun! Laugh a lot. Create joyful memories.
- Evaluate what went well and what didn’t. Integrate the success into your next event. Build on that.
If this hasn’t been your pattern, TURN it around and take the first step in creating something new.
Worth Every Effort
With each new day comes new opportunities to create positive change. Although we cannot control the actions of others, we do have influence in their lives. I have found that it is worth every effort to consciously decide to create positive family patterns, traditions and wonderful memories by using the power of one’s own positive influence. We thereby do our part to create positive change–which best serves our family today and also greatly benefits future generations.
YOU are TODAY’s ChangeMaker!
As TODAY’s ChangeMakers in our family lines, we are here to create positive change in spite of any disruptions or destructive patterns in our families of origin or in spite of what may be occurring in our family now.
Each of us can ignite the light of extraordinary family purpose in ourselves and our families. We do it by igniting the light of our own personal power to influence others for good through making principle-centered choices, in order to secure the home and stabilize society.
Check out my class offerings that can help you strengthen your ability to live according to the principles that govern happiness in yourself and in your relationships. This excerpt has been taken from the Revitalize Your Inner Worth: Get Out of the S.L.U.D.G.E. Class. Break free and rise above destructive thought patterns, habit patterns and family patterns, so YOU can fill your highest priorities with full purpose of heart.
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About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton
Serving people who have hidden heartaches and unresolved personal struggles, Carolyn Calton is the founder of FamilyTreeQuest.com and HealingYourFamily.com. As a ReNEW YOU Self Worth and Relationship Revitalization educator and coach, Carolyn teaches individuals and families how to turn from heartache to happiness in themselves, their families and family lines by understanding how to live true to who they really are as TODAY’s ChangeMakers. Those who join her ReNEW YOU Classes and Joyful Breakthrough Membership Circles learn how to turn stress, anxious-thinking, anger and dysfunction to hope, direction, happiness and peace. She is a teacher and facilitator of principles that can set the hearts of men and women free from the pain and chains of guilt, toxic shame and the effects of oppression. Her students are then empowered to walk forward with courage and confidence as they fill their highest priorities with stability and full purpose of heart.
