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Greetings!  Today’s topic is Co-dependence: The Walking Wounded, part 1 of 3 parts.

Co-dependence is a quality that is prevalent when a person is exposed to consistent dysfunction in relationships. It is being excessively dependent on another person in an unhealthy way for validation, approval or identity.

We are gathering in the TODAY’s ChangeMaker Chain Breaker Phenomenon to break cycles of dysfunction, chaos and unpredictability in order to heal physically, emotionally and spiritually
so we no longer feel like the walking wounded who are lost in a sea of uncertainty and wandering without purpose or direction. Sometimes, we realize and know that we have never been taught the principles that lead to lasting happiness.

We all have an innate need for warm, caring, loving relationships.  Then, how do we end up feeling like the walking wounded who have painful and sometimes tragic lives?
Understanding co-dependence can begin to unlock some very troubling and often unanswered questions.

Questions from the Walking Wounded

• How do we become men or women who feel out of touch with our own feelings, needs and desires?
• How did we become full of self-doubts?  Why are some of us continually longing for something more than experiencing fear, shame, loneliness, depression, anxious-thinking, or deep sadness that seem to encompass our very soul?
• What happened to our spontaneous sense of wonder and to our natural creativity?
• What happened to our happiness and why?

Well, We All Need Security and Healthy Modeling of Emotions

John Bradshaw offers an explanation relating to children, but since we need healthy modeling of emotions all during our lives, I believe this information can be appreciated and related to as applying to adults, at times of departure from our true worth, as well as to children.

In your mind, imagine two pictures of a 14-year-old boy.
The first picture shows a teenager whose home is full of distress, and the next teen represents a child that has a healthier home environment.
The first youth is sitting on a sofa with knees bent and his feet up on the sofa. His arms are folded on his knees and his head is resting on his arms.  You cannot see his eyes but know he’s very sad, discouraged and he may have no idea what to do.
The next child is smiling from ear to ear.  His hands are simply folded in front of him because he’s posing for a picture.
The contrast between the two is striking and the emotion of each child is evident.  One is terribly sad, distraught and discouraged, vs the other, who is happy, almost joyful and free to be who he was created to be.

 According to Bradshaw in his book Homecoming, he says quote “Children need security and healthy modeling of emotions in order to understand their own inner signals.  They also need help in separating their thoughts from their feelings.” He points out how, when the child experiences extreme distress or trauma in the family environment , “the child must focus solely on the outside.  Over time, he loses the ability to generate self-esteem from within. Without a healthy inner life, one is exiled to trying to find fulfillment on the outside. This is co-dependence

So, What is Co-dependence?

Bradshaw goes on to say, quote “To be codependent is to be out of touch with one’s feelings, needs and desires.” End quote

Co-dependence is not the same as becoming “one-in-purpose” like in a healthy, harmonious relationship where two people interrelate with each other without losing their sense of individual gifts, strengths and identity and without compromising their values.

In co-dependent relationships, people put aside their own vital self-care and innate well-being and values to maintain a relationship with another.  They often feed off the neediness of another or devote all their life’s time and attention to them.

As you’re growing up or, even as an adult, when you trust and depend on someone that’s, in reality, not dependable, you can develop co-dependence without even knowing it.  Emotional deficits begin to exist.  Painful patterns of behavior develop. Co-dependency can develop even if you’ve had a peaceful upbringing. It can begin even if you’re bringing your own best efforts to a relationship and are willing to do what it takes to create harmony and fun.

When things aren’t going like you expected, you just recognize something’s off, but may not be able to put your finger on exactly what’s going wrong.

Let’s talk about The Loss of Self-hood

In a PBS special long ago, John Bradshaw used a mobile, which is kind of like a wind chime, to illustrate what happens in co-dependent relationships. The mobile is at rest, yet when one piece is tugged on, all the other pieces, of necessity, move.  That’s how it is in a family system. If there’s someone with control issues, anger issues or addictions and so forth, the whole system is out of balance and strives to regain equilibrium again.

Most professionals agree that co-dependency is about the LOSS of self-hood. Bradshaw also states that  “Co-dependency is a condition wherein one has no inner life.  Happiness is on the outside.  Good feelings and self-validation lie on the outside. Pia Mellody’s definition of co-dependency is “a state of dis – ease whereby the authentic self is unknown or kept hidden, so that a sense of self … of mattering … of esteem and connectedness to others is distorted, creating pain and distorted relationships.”

Bradshaw also says, “Co-dependence is fostered in unhealthy family systems. For example, everyone in an alcoholic family becomes co-dependent on the alcoholic’s drinking. The alcoholic father is absorbed in drinking and the codependent mother is absorbed with the alcoholic.  Because the drinking is so life-threatening to each family member, they adapt by becoming chronically alert (which is called being hypervigilant).  Adaptation to stress was intended by nature to be a temporary state.  It was never intended to be chronic. Over time, a person living with the chronic distress of alcoholic behavior loses touch with his own internal cues—his own feelings, needs, and desires. The same is true for any … chronic distress, including addictions to work or …activities, eating disorders, addictions to control or perfectionism, or mental or physical illness.”

So, What’s Next?

Watch for Co—dependence: The Walking Wounded, Parts 2 and Part 3.

Do you need help knowing what TO do instead of following co-dependent patterns?

Access the Revitalize Your Inner Worth: Get Out of the S.L.U.D.G.E.  online course trainings to view at your own pace. Take a deeper dive into tips, tools and information that can help you make sense out of life. We put generational issues and addictive or abusive family patterns, and more, under the microscope for clarity of understanding. AND, if you haven’t already, please go now and join the ChangeMaker Chain Breaker Phenomenon by JOINING the QUEST at FamilyTreeQuest.com so we can stay connected. We’re waiting for YOU!

As TODAY’s ChangeMakers in our family lines, we are here to create positive change in spite of any disruptions or destructive patterns in our families of origin or in spite of what may be occurring in our family now.

It is my firm conviction that each of us can ignite the light of extraordinary family purpose in ourselves and our families.  We do it by igniting the light of our own personal power to influence others for good through making principle-centered choices in order to secure the home and stabilize society.

Please check out my books, audio books and courses that can help you strengthen your ability to live beyond co-dependence.  This excerpt has been taken from the Revitalize Your Inner Worth: Get Out of the S.L.U.D.G.E. Course.  Break free and rise above destructive thought patterns, habit patterns and family patterns, so YOU can fill your highest priorities with full purpose of heart.

‘Till next time, THIS is Carolyn Calton

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This information is for educational purposes only and is not intended to replace medical or professional care.