Category Archives: Relationships

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Family Traditions: Out With the Bad, In With the Good

Our family traditions help create our family patterns

I contributed a chapter called THE IMPORTANCE OF FAMILY TRADITIONS to Jennifer Jones Smith’s book 12 Weeks to Greater Peace, Joy & Love in Your Family. I will be using some of those thoughts, along with some adaptations, here.

I wrote, “Traditions are a way of passing family values through the generations.  Because what happens at home extends into society and then into the world, it’s important that we examine patterns in our daily interactions with family members and carefully consider creating healthy traditions at home.  The words, thoughts and opinions of our family members, during daily living as well as during traditional holiday celebrations and events, have a great impact of our own feelings about who we are and what we have to contribute to our family and the world.  If our family patterns are uplifting and edifying, we tend to feel strengthened and view the family as important, loving, and a place we want to be.  If our repetitive patterns of interacting with each other are full of put-downs, sarcasm and prejudices, we have little or no desire to try to connect in meaningful ways again and, almost unknowingly because of repetitive exposure to distress and chaos we can begin to pass on unhealthy behavioral patterns to new generations because of the modeling that stems from our own family of origin.

OUT WITH THE BAD.  IN WITH THE GOOD.

… we can be very resistant to change.  However, it is well-worth examining our own [ways of interacting with family members and take a look at the ingrained patterns we’re establishing.  Let’s notice the way we relate to others and the way others relate to us.  When doing this with a sincere desire to improve, we can take an objective, rather than critical, view of ourselves and our relatives.  When we come to understand the truth of what is really happening, we position ourselves to make choices that foster our well-being and the highest good for all concerned.

Our feelings about ourselves shape our lives.  Many, if not most, people never question or take more than a superficial look at how they act and what they really do because it’s so familiar. By establishing healthy daily interactions, then when it comes to celebrating family seasonal traditions, individuals have something to look forward to and are left with feelings that each family member is important, cared about and valued by the others.  Thus, we establish healthy family bonds of love, mutual admiration and respect.  We also come to feel positive self-worth, and we notice an increase in our sense of family responsibility.

In homes spilling over with daily dysfunction, however, there are far too many family members who know, from past experience, that the upcoming seasonal traditions connected to a holiday celebration are nothing to “celebrate”.  In fact, the very thought of them triggers feelings of dread by many children due to former family patterns of adult neglect or abuse from which they feel there is no escape.  When destructive influences are present, homes become rampant with disrespect, criticism and shame. Children from such homes often feel bewildered, disillusioned or even hopeless and helpless.  In an all-too-common example where dad gets drunk and ends up verbally or physically abusing mom and/or the children.  It’s time to let go and eliminate these false “traditions of the fathers” and establish new traditions because “that which is familiar is not always that which is best”.

YOU CAN

Unless conscious choices are made to create change, history will tend to repeat itself in our family lines.  EACH INDIVIDUAL can be the change catalyst their family line has been waiting for.  Some, more than others, have heavier burdens to carry because of their families of origin, yet everyone has the capacity to create positive change from their own generation forward.  By living mindfully in our present moments, we can ALL overcome obstacles and be a positive influence.  We can continue making choices and establishing traditions that are uplifting, fun and encouraging to our family members, and we can eliminate those that are not.

I spoke of 2 types of traditions. 1) daily routines, and 2) holiday traditions.:

  1. Daily Routines

    Some of us fail to see our daily routines as being part of what can be considered “traditions of the fathers”, but if seen for the benefits they hold, these traditional routines can be a major source of stability, structure and add to feelings of safety and security within a home.

    Since my children were very young, I encouraged many traditional routine interactions. We say please and thank you, send holiday greeting cards and thank you notes when gifts are given, mail birth announcements when babies are born, knock on a family member’s door and wait for an answer before entering their room, and use courteous speech and respectful interactions with others.  We say our personal and family prayers, attend church weekly, say a blessing on the food to name a few. We worked on consistency, rather than perfection.  Each family member also had daily work-in-the-house or yard responsibilities. Now they are raised, some of my children have maintained these routines, and some have not.
  2. Seasonal Holiday Traditions

    Our holiday traditions were among our favorite times– beginning with decorations around the house and on the front door to match the season. When some of my children had moved away, it became a time of gathering the family back together.  We were by no means a perfect family, but to give you an idea of some of the more positive things that were part of our celebrations, I offer these thoughts.Music played almost constantly in our home.  I prepared traditional foods which create memorable smells and reminders of the familiar feeling of “home for the holidays”.  I tried to prepare by buying supplies a few weeks early and scheduling time on the calendar to pull out the plastic tubs of decorations from storage so all those involved in helping will not be surprised with last minute interruptions to their own plans. I hope that these elements of birthdays and other holiday celebrations, added to happy memories for my children.

Here are a few tips for establishing healthy, happy family patterns and traditions: (Some of which I learned the hard way)

DAILY:

  • Decide to integrate some specific, healthy, stabilizing daily routines.
  • Encourage healthy self-worth in each family member, including yourself, by avoiding negative comments and negative self-talk and criticism.
  • Don’t rush. Take time to validate the thoughts and feelings of children as well as adults.
  • Let go of any unrealistic expectations you may have of yourself or others.
  • “If you can’t turn the corners up, let the middle sag.”- Unknown
  • Have Courage. Use loving Diligence. Create Excellence.

SEASONAL TRADITIONS:

  • Remember that no family is perfect, so imperfection is part of every attempt while creating something new.
  • Be patient while you and your family try to achieve more harmony and happiness together.
  • Look for the good.
  • Capture memories with pictures, video and write about it in journals or scrapbooks.
  • Have fun! Laugh a lot. Create joyful memories.
  • Evaluate what went well and what didn’t. Integrate the success into your next event.  Build on that.

If this hasn’t been your pattern, TURN it around and take the first step in creating something new.

Worth Every Effort

With each new day comes new opportunities to create positive change.  Although we cannot control the actions of others, we do have influence in their lives.  I have found that it is worth every effort to consciously decide to create positive family patterns, traditions and wonderful memories by using the power of one’s own positive influence.  We thereby do our part to create positive change–which best serves our family today and also greatly benefits future generations.

YOU are TODAY’s ChangeMaker!

As TODAY’s ChangeMakers in our family lines, we are here to create positive change in spite of any disruptions or destructive patterns in our families of origin or in spite of what may be occurring in our family now.

Each of us can ignite the light of extraordinary family purpose in ourselves and our families.  We do it by igniting the light of our own personal power to influence others for good through making principle-centered choices, in order to secure the home and stabilize society.

Check out my class offerings that can help you strengthen your ability to live according to the principles that govern happiness in yourself and in your relationships.  This excerpt has been taken from the Revitalize Your Inner Worth: Get Out of the S.L.U.D.G.E. Class.  Break free and rise above destructive thought patterns, habit patterns and family patterns, so YOU can fill your highest priorities with full purpose of heart.

CLICK HERE to see all free presentations and class offerings.

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

Serving people who have hidden heartaches and unresolved personal struggles, Carolyn Calton is the founder of FamilyTreeQuest.com and HealingYourFamily.com. As a ReNEW YOU Self Worth and Relationship Revitalization educator and coach, Carolyn teaches individuals and families how to turn from heartache to happiness in themselves, their families and family lines by understanding how to live true to who they really are as TODAY’s ChangeMakers. Those who join her ReNEW YOU Classes and Joyful Breakthrough Membership Circles learn how to turn stress, anxious-thinking, anger and dysfunction to hope, direction, happiness and peace. She is a teacher and facilitator of principles that can set the hearts of men and women free from the pain and chains of guilt, toxic shame and the effects of oppression. Her students are then empowered to walk forward with courage and confidence as they fill their highest priorities with stability and full purpose of heart.

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Traditions That Help, Rather Than Hurt, Families

Traditions and personal freedom

Traditions directly link to personal freedom. It would be wise to make choices connected to our traditions, that will help, and not hurt, ourselves and our families.  Freedom from destructive, dead-end generational patterns and beliefs makes room for healthy, productive, life-changing progress.  The way is not always easy, but it IS possible.

A word about tradition

Maybe you remember the movie Fiddler on the Roof.
An online film synopsis states that the movie “tells the life-affirming story of Tevye, a poor milkman [with five daughters] whose love, pride and faith help him face the oppression of turn-of-the century czarist Russia.  Set in 1905, their lives seemed as precarious as ‘a fiddler on the roof.”

In these memorable lines from the movie, Tevye says,

 “A fiddler on the roof. Sounds crazy, no? But in our little village of Anatevka, you might say every one of us is a fiddler on the roof, trying to scratch out a pleasant, simple tune without breaking his neck. It isn’t easy. You may ask, why do we stay up here if it’s so dangerous? We stay because Anatevka is our home. And how do we keep our balance? That I can tell you in a word—tradition!

Because of our traditions, we’ve kept our balance for many, many years. Here in Anatevka we have traditions for everything—how to eat, how to sleep, how to wear clothes. For instance, we always keep our heads covered and always wear a little prayer shawl. This shows our constant devotion to God. You may ask, how did this tradition start? I’ll tell you—I don’t know! But it’s a tradition. Because of our traditions, everyone knows who he is and what God expects him to do.”

Help, don’t hurt

Because traditions become such an inherent part of us and they are followed and accepted, often without thinking about it, it may be hard to evaluate between their constructive or destructive impact in our lives.  They’re simply familiar!  We want to help and not hurt ourselves and others, therefore, it’s incumbent upon each of us to find ways to cherish and value positive traditions from our ethnic, cultural, or national heritages.  Yet, we must be mindful of those that tear down and destroy self-worth and relationships and find the courage and tenacity to create more positive results instead. This is what truly benefits humanity.  After all, isn’t it right that each generation improve and build better, brighter tomorrows as they stand on the shoulders of those who came before them?  Usually, that’s what our ancestors would want so that their sacrifices would not have been in vain.

Some traditions that tear down rather than build up individuals and families are:

  • Any tradition in which control or dominion is exerted one against another individual or group
  • Traditions that breed addiction
  • Anything based on the power of force
  • Looking down on others due one’s so-called station in life, their ethnicity or feelings of superiority
  • Anything that breeds conflict one person or one group against another
  • Traditions that lead to prejudice, jealousy, hatred, lack of forgiveness, greed, and so forth
  • Traditions that foster harsh words and criticisms, contentions, bickering and sarcasm

In our busy world, some of our positive traditions are part of activities where we can spend meaningful, healthy, uplifting time with our family members.

Dieter F. Uchtdorf puts it nicely when he says, “If we fail to give our best personal self and undivided time to those who are truly important to us, one day we will regret it.” “Let us resolve to cherish those we love by spending meaningful time with them, doing things together and cultivating treasured memories.”

Elevate your traditions

Making a break from the chains of false or destructive traditions can be hard. There can be naysayers and those who criticize or persecute. Some friends or family members may turn away or argue that you’re wrong—possibly causing self-doubts or fears.  But, I believe, that deep within us there is an inner knowing of what is ours to do, and if elevating a tradition for ourselves and future generations is part of our life’s mission, then we will find he wherewithal to stay the course.

When the effort to change traditions becomes hard, remember that at birth, your spirit came from the presence of God—as the poet Wordsworth says, “trailing clouds of glory”.  So, your ultimate Heritage of Wholeness comes from you being HIS son or HIS daughter. Therefore, the wisest course of action is to remain loyal to traditions that accurately reflect His teachings.  Those decisions will bring you true happiness and the greatest inner peace.

After all, we want to find ways to preserve our past without compromising our present.  Sometimes that takes a change at the level of tradition, and breaking destructive traditions can seem like you are no longer loyal to the family—which can be extremely painful.  Sometimes breaking those patterns can feel like we’re abandoning the family rather than improving the family for the sake of the living as well as those yet to come into your family line. This too, must be seen in the light of truth, or the fear of abandonment can shut you down.

YOU are TODAY’s ChangeMaker!

As TODAY’s ChangeMakers in our family lines, we are here to create positive change in spite of any disruptions or destructive patterns in our families of origin or in spite of what may be occurring in our family now.

Each of us can ignite the light of extraordinary family purpose in ourselves and our families.  We do it by igniting the light of our own personal power to influence others for good through making principle-centered choices, in order to secure the home and stabilize society.

Check out these class offerings that can help you strengthen your ability to live according to the principles that govern happiness in yourself and in your relationships.  This excerpt has been taken from the Revitalize Your Inner Worth: Get Out of the S.L.U.D.G.E. Class.  Break free and rise above destructive thought patterns, habit patterns and family patterns, so YOU can fill your highest priorities with full purpose of heart.

CLICK HERE to see all free presentations and class offerings.

References:
[“Fiddler on the Roof,” in Great Musicals of the American Theatre, ed. Stanley Richards, vol. 1 (Radnor, Pennsylvania: Chilton Book Company, 1973), p. 393]

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

Serving people who have hidden heartaches and unresolved personal struggles, Carolyn Calton is the founder of FamilyTreeQuest.com and HealingYourFamily.com. As a ReNEW YOU Self Worth and Relationship Revitalization educator and coach, Carolyn teaches individuals and families how to turn from heartache to happiness in themselves, their families and family lines by understanding how to live true to who they really are as TODAY’s ChangeMakers. Those who join her ReNEW YOU Classes and Joyful Breakthrough Membership Circles learn how to turn stress, anxious-thinking, anger and dysfunction to hope, direction, happiness and peace. She is a teacher and facilitator of principles that can set the hearts of men and women free from the pain and chains of guilt, toxic shame and the effects of oppression. Her students are then empowered to walk forward with courage and confidence as they fill their highest priorities with stability and full purpose of heart.

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Family Patterns: Where’s the HAPPY in Holidays?

Family Patterns

Are negative family patterns getting In the way of your “Happy” in Holidays and your “Merry” in Christmas?

As we each contemplate holiday celebrations, we may not be fully aware of family patterns (deep-seated beliefs) that might be sabotaging our thinking and getting in the way of our happiness.  This causes us to shrink away from our best expression of who we really are.

Are you shrinking away from your sense of self-worth?

There are some distinct family patterns that tend to cause us to shrink away from who we really are and have a destructive influence on our inner worth.

Freedom from destructive, dead-end generational patterns and beliefs makes room for healthy, productive, life-changing progress.  The way is not always easy, but it IS possible.

These deep-seated beliefs usually interfere with 3 distinct areas of our life, and often, we don’t see the connection.  The 3 areas are relationships, money, and our bodies.
They may come from spoken or unspoken teachings.

Using the area of RELATIONSHIPS, I’ve chosen to mention some destructive thinking patterns that may stem from our perceptions that can originate from our family patterns.

Underlying Family Patterns/Beliefs about Relationships

Take note of any the YOU may be believing:

Men hurt women or women hurt men
We need to be snappy or angry to be heard.
People can’t be trusted.
I’ll always be taken advantage of.
Husbands hurt wives (or visa versa), therefore, my husband (or wife) will hurt me.
Men don’t show up for women. (or vise versa)
I’m strong only if I do everything myself.
I have to be passive and dependent on a man to keep him
I feel alone, but it’s okay for my husband to be emotionally unavailable.
Nothing I do to work on my relationship will matter.
The best way to handle a relationship is to not trust, not speak up for myself and don’t acknowledge my feelings.

Here are some common beliefs about money

Having lots of money makes me successful.
Having lots of money makes me sinful.
God will punish me if I have too much money.
I’ll be greedy if I have too much money, so I would rather not have a lot.
There’s “not enough” (money)
Rich people are bad.
Poor people are bad.
I don’t deserve to have what I want.
If I don’t have a college education and great career, I have no value.
body (health, view of self, etc.)
I must look beautiful ( or be thin or exercise more than other people) or I’m not “good enough”
I need to look young to have value.
People who are sick are weak.
People who are sick get attention.
Thin people are bad.
Heavy people are bad
Pretty girls get in trouble.
Beautiful people aren’t smart.

Did you notice any of those patterns that you may be continuing to pass on? Are they interfering with your happiness as you contemplate upcoming celebrations with family or friends.  Are any of these beliefs about yourself dragging you down emotionally?  Are you setting yourself up for history to repeat itself?

Unless conscious choices are made to create a different reality, history will tend to repeat itself in our family lines.  We ALL can be positive in our influence, but it takes work.  EACH INDIVIDUAL can be the change catalyst their family line has been waiting for.  Some, more than others, have heavier burdens to carry because of their families of origin.

YOU are TODAY’s ChangeMaker!

As TODAY’s ChangeMakers in our family lines, we are here to create positive change in spite of any disruptions or destructive patterns in our families of origin or in spite of what may be occurring in our family now.

Each of us can ignite the light of extraordinary family purpose in ourselves and our families.  We do it by igniting the light of our own personal power to influence others for good through making principle-centered choices, in order to secure the home and stabilize society.

Check out these class offerings that can help you strengthen your ability to live according to the principles that govern happiness in yourself and in your relationships.  This excerpt has been taken from the Revitalize Your Inner Worth: Get Out of the S.L.U.D.G.E. Class.  Break free and rise above destructive thought patterns, habit patterns and family patterns, so YOU can fill your highest priorities with full purpose of heart.

CLICK HERE to see all free presentations and class offerings.

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

Serving people who have hidden heartaches and unresolved personal struggles, Carolyn Calton is the founder of FamilyTreeQuest.com and HealingYourFamily.com. As a ReNEW YOU Self Worth and Relationship Revitalization educator and coach, Carolyn teaches individuals and families how to turn from heartache to happiness in themselves, their families and family lines by understanding how to live true to who they really are as TODAY’s ChangeMakers. Those who join her ReNEW YOU Classes and Joyful Breakthrough Membership Circles learn how to turn stress, anxious-thinking, anger and dysfunction to hope, direction, happiness and peace. She is a teacher and facilitator of principles that can set the hearts of men and women free from the pain and chains of guilt, toxic shame and the effects of oppression. Her students are then empowered to walk forward with courage and confidence as they fill their highest priorities with stability and full purpose of heart.

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ReNEW YOU: Every Small Step Matters

ReNEW YOU Emotional Vitality Tip:  Every Small Step Matters!

In 2014 on my blog, I noted: “Today I learned through my experience that sometimes when we feel stuck we just haven’t created neural pathways for what we are doing yet. Just forge ahead, the pathways will be created and things will become easier.” – Carolyn Calton

This really is true. I’m so glad to be further and further away from the trauma toxic relationships can create. The power of free choice combined with the power of God and the powers within our bodies to rewire and heal are absolutely amazing.  I’m experiencing it, and I can tell the difference.

To any of my friends who suffer from Post Traumatic Stresss or who have loved ones that suffer, please know that there is so much hope. Just take one step at a time. We may want to rush progress, but just taking one small step in the right direction makes ALL the difference!

Your influence, even through hardship, will ignite the power of generations!  Don’t give up!  There are others who need the example of your courage.  You may never really know the positive ripple effect of each small step you take.  I INcourage you to take one small step in the direction of your dreams today.  May God bless and sustain you as you do.

To your happiness,
Carolyn

Need helpful information and classes, small group support, coaching or more? Check out the services I offer by CLICKING HERE.

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

Serving people who have hidden heartaches and unresolved personal struggles, Carolyn Calton is the founder of FamilyTreeQuest.com and HealingYourFamily.com. As a ReNEW YOU Self Worth and Relationship Revitalization educator and coach, Carolyn teaches individuals and families how to turn from heartache to happiness in themselves, their families and family lines by understanding how to live true to who they really are as TODAY’s ChangeMakers. Those who join her ReNEW YOU Classes and Joyful Breakthrough Membership Circles learn how to turn stress, anxious-thinking, anger and dysfunction to hope, direction, happiness and peace. She is a teacher and facilitator of principles that can set the hearts of men and women free from the pain and chains of guilt, toxic shame and the effects of oppression. Her students are then empowered to walk forward with courage and confidence as they fill their highest priorities with stability and full purpose of heart.

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Styles of Journal Writing. Which is Best for You?

The kinds of journals people keep are many and varied.  They include gratitude journals, poetry journals, reading journals, journals written by topic, family journals, nature journals, personal development journals, meditation and devotion journals and more.

There are different styles of journal keeping that range from more traditional writing to writing in creative journals, complete with pictures and art.  Choose any type of blank journal you like.  There is a large selection of journals on the market.  You can also choose blank books or create your own journal from a binder or spiral bound notebook.  If you like art, you can decorate your own cover, but what’s really important is what you write inside.

The JOURNALriffic method of journal-keeping sets itself apart from the rest.  With JOURNALriffic you will have, at your fingertips, a guided-journaling method to use when you want to conserve your emotional energy and settle an issue quickly in your mind. You will be following universal principles that govern happy relationships instead of staying stuck in criticism, blame, shame, stress or anxiety.  Use it when you know that you don’t know what to do next as well as when you want to easily keep a daily record of your life as TODAY’s ChangeMaker—one who desires to elevate your thought patterns, habit patterns and family patterns in order to help, and not hurt, yourself and others.

Daily journal writing, the JOURNALriffic way leads to

  • Less stress
    • Healthier relationships
    • Confidence
    • Positive self-development
    • Clarity of your life’s purpose
    • Greater peace of mind

JOURNALriffic guided-journaling is a perfect match for the needs of those who have experienced the ripple effects of divorce, mistreatment, addiction or abuse.

There are so many reasons to write in your journal.  What suits your purposes, and which is best for you?

ReNEW YOU Emotional Vitality Tip of the Day

Use JOURNALriffic- Turn Your Pain Into Purpose With 4 Steps of Discovery to help you turn stress, anxious-thinking, anger and dysfunction, to hope, direction, happiness and peace.  Get your copy today!

*****
Disclosure of Material Connection:  In accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising,” I am disclosing that I am the author of JOURNALriffic, and I’m an affiliate of Amazon.

 

 

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

Serving people who have hidden heartaches and unresolved personal struggles, Carolyn Calton is the founder of FamilyTreeQuest.com and HealingYourFamily.com. As a ReNEW YOU Self Worth and Relationship Revitalization educator and coach, Carolyn teaches individuals and families how to turn from heartache to happiness in themselves, their families and family lines by understanding how to live true to who they really are as TODAY’s ChangeMakers. Those who join her ReNEW YOU Classes and Joyful Breakthrough Membership Circles learn how to turn stress, anxious-thinking, anger and dysfunction to hope, direction, happiness and peace. She is a teacher and facilitator of principles that can set the hearts of men and women free from the pain and chains of guilt, toxic shame and the effects of oppression. Her students are then empowered to walk forward with courage and confidence as they fill their highest priorities with stability and full purpose of heart.

I Owe All Things to God

My mother, now deceased, is precious to me and very dear to my heart.  Her maiden name was Greenhalgh.

While reading the personal history of one of my relatives, I remembered what was written in Latin on the Greenhalgh Family Coat of arms.

“I owe all things to God.”

Thankfully, that is something my mother taught me to see and recognize and appreciate throughout my life.

I have learned through my own experience that I do–owe all things to God, that is.  His grace, mercy and guidance have sustained me.  It’s because of Him that I can even draw my breath each day.  It’s because of Him I have eyes to see, ears to hear, and so much more. The inscription on that coat of arms fills me with joy because I sense the truth of the statment.  It helps me know I am anchored to ancestors that appreciated the goodness of God, and it inspires me to want to know more about their personal stories of trials an triumph.

Do you have an inscription on a Family Coat of Arms or a statement of purpose for your family now?

Today’s Spiritual Vitality Tip:  Take time to ponder how YOU owe all things to God.  Write your thoughts in your journal, or share your thoughts with a loved one.

*****
Need help healing heartache in yourself, your family or family lines?  CLICK HERE.

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

Serving people who have hidden heartaches and unresolved personal struggles, Carolyn Calton is the founder of FamilyTreeQuest.com and HealingYourFamily.com. As a ReNEW YOU Self Worth and Relationship Revitalization educator and coach, Carolyn teaches individuals and families how to turn from heartache to happiness in themselves, their families and family lines by understanding how to live true to who they really are as TODAY’s ChangeMakers. Those who join her ReNEW YOU Classes and Joyful Breakthrough Membership Circles learn how to turn stress, anxious-thinking, anger and dysfunction to hope, direction, happiness and peace. She is a teacher and facilitator of principles that can set the hearts of men and women free from the pain and chains of guilt, toxic shame and the effects of oppression. Her students are then empowered to walk forward with courage and confidence as they fill their highest priorities with stability and full purpose of heart.

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Are you angry, afraid or ashamed?

Are you sometimes downright angry, afraid or ashamed?

Try this ReNEW YOU Emotional Vitality Tip of the Day.

Write in a journal to give your feelings a voice.  There is no need to deny or repress what you truly feel when you write it on paper or type it on a computer.

Once expressed use the JOURNALriffic Method—the 4 Steps of Discovery.  You will be able to choose for yourself how to move through your emotions toward solutions in a proactive, rather than reactive manner.

I developed the JOURNALriffic Method from a pattern that has worked for me through many years of some of my life’s most difficult trials.  I am well-acquainted with blighted hopes, shattered dreams and unfulfilled desires both individually and with my family’s circumstances, yet I’ve learned to be positive and happy by choice.  I’ve also dealt with lingering physical challenges and constant pain as a result of three car accidents.  Although I’ve faced times of extreme disappointment and much of my life hasn’t turned out like I planned, I continue to find solutions to challenges, and I still love my life because I stay engaged in the process of creating a happy one.

With JOURNALriffic, you will address thoughts as they come up as a result of your present experiences.  The idea is to work through your emotions and challenges and consistently work toward turning your weaknesses into strengths and enjoying your life.  You will come to understand who you really are in light of the truth that no matter your past choices or experiences, you are not your history.  You will begin to clearly see that you create your life in your present moments.  Each day is a new beginning and holds countless opportunities for enjoyment, peace and the satisfying rewards of unselfish love.

Dr. Ronald Newsom gets right to the bottom line of defining your true identity when he says, “You are a good, unique person, endowed by your Creator, with sovereign [self-governing] power to act as a free, independent agent.”1

You have the intrinsic, God-given power to act and not be acted upon.  With the help of JOURNALriffic, you will learn to use that power to move quickly through the process of aligning your thoughts, feelings and actions with your innate, individual worth.  By doing so, you will ignite the proactive power within you which ignites the power of generations and provides far-reaching benefits.  As you stay actively engaged in leaving your life story better than you found it, your doubts, insecurities, limitations and fears will diminish.  You can proceed with vigor on the path that enables you to contribute your positive influence to the lives of those around you in your present moments.

It is my hope that you will benefit from this method of journaling so that you can extend your positive influence toward others in such a way that you will feel great satisfaction while taking deliberate action steps to experience more joy as you proactively create lasting happiness.

Use JOURNALriffic- Turn Your Pain Into Purpose With 4 Steps of Discovery to help you turn stress, anxious-thinking, anger and dysfunction, to hope, direction, happiness and peace.

***
1Newsom, Dr. Ronald. Life, Liberty, Happiness: Rediscovering Your True Identity. n.p. April 2013. Print

Disclosure of Material Connection:  In accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising,” I am disclosing that I am the author of JOURNALriffic, and I’m an affiliate of Amazon.

 

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

Serving people who have hidden heartaches and unresolved personal struggles, Carolyn Calton is the founder of FamilyTreeQuest.com and HealingYourFamily.com. As a ReNEW YOU Self Worth and Relationship Revitalization educator and coach, Carolyn teaches individuals and families how to turn from heartache to happiness in themselves, their families and family lines by understanding how to live true to who they really are as TODAY’s ChangeMakers. Those who join her ReNEW YOU Classes and Joyful Breakthrough Membership Circles learn how to turn stress, anxious-thinking, anger and dysfunction to hope, direction, happiness and peace. She is a teacher and facilitator of principles that can set the hearts of men and women free from the pain and chains of guilt, toxic shame and the effects of oppression. Her students are then empowered to walk forward with courage and confidence as they fill their highest priorities with stability and full purpose of heart.

“Let It Go”

Spiritual Vitality Tip of the Day:  Learn to FORGIVE

“On a cold February night in 2007, a devoted father of four and a seventeen-year-old drunk driver both received life sentences.  In one violent, devastating instant, both faced a drastically different–and uncertain–future.  But as Chris Williams sat in his demolished vehicle, staring at the car that had just caused the death of his wife, his unborn baby, his eleven-year-old son, and his nine-year-old daughter, he committed to do something extraordinary:  he would forgive.”

Let It Go, A True Story of Tragedy and Forgiveness, by Chris Williams, is an amazing book about a healing journey.  If you are seeking healing or are working on forgiving others, this book is for you!  We highly recommend it.

Chris Williams states, “I had no idea who had just hit us, and my mind didn’t think to consider if they were all right or not, or what circumstances might have caused them to cross the median and strike us.  I simply looked at the car in silence.  Then I heard a voice that was not my own in my mind as clearly as if it had come from someone seated next to me.  It was straightforward and filled with power, and the voice said, ‘Let it go!'”

At the end of his book, Chris Williams asks a powerful question, “What burden could you lay at the Lord’s feet, today, that He might be allowed to work miracles in your life?”

Need help learning to think and act with positive intent in spite of the circumstances you encounter?  CLICK HERE to see what’s available to you.

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Disclosure of Material Connection: I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.” Some links in this post are affiliate links.

The information contained on this website is educational in nature and is provided only as general information. The information presented on this website is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease or psychological disorder. The information herein is not a substitute for medical or psychological treatment. Any stories or testimonials presented on this website do not constitute a warranty, guarantee, or prediction regarding outcomes for any particular issue. While all materials and links to other resources are posted in good faith, the accuracy, validity, effectiveness, completeness, or usefulness of any information herein or from an affiliate cannot be guaranteed. The founders of healingyourfamily.com accept no responsibility or liability whatsoever for the use or misuse of information contained on this website. We strongly advise that you seek professional advice, as appropriate, before making any health decision.

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton

Prison bar background to header that says, "Are You In The Prison of Unforgiveness?"

Unforgiveness: The Prison of Unforgiveness

Let’s talk about unforgiveness–not forgiving others–and it’s consequence to you.

Are You In the Prison of Unforgiveness?

Forgiving is the way to not let the past hold you prisoner to your own pain. Today, we’ll consider this question, “Are you holding yourself hostage in the prison of unforgiveness?:

Holding on to anger, bitterness, hatred and feelings of vengeance is like YOU drinking poison yourself and expecting the OTHER person to die.  It just isn’t a good thing to do because it backfires!

False Ideas, Cleverly Disguised

Feeling justified in not forgiving someone feeds the false idea of having power OVER someone else, and is so cleverly disguised that you think you are NOT the one getting hurt.  You may never in a million years even consider that you are only hurting yourself because your blame of someone else for your own pain keeps you blinded to the role your own thoughts and feelings play.

Blame and Unforgiveness Are Connected

In the article, Blaming Others: Hurts You More Than It Hurts Them , Holly Brown, LFMT says, “Don’t get me wrong.  Sometimes other people are to blame.  Sometimes you are completely and totally and utterly correct in thinking that it’s someone else’s fault.

But once you’ve tried to get them to see that and failed, once they refuse to take responsibility, or if you are habitually blaming others rather than formulating a solution–then what?

The problem with blaming others is that it can often leave you powerless.  For example, you confront the person (your boss, your spouse, your parent, your child), and they say, “No, I didn’t,” or worse, “So what if I did?”, then you’re left with all this anger and hurt and no resolution.

All your feelings are legitimate.  It’s important to feel them fully, and then move on.  Nursing your grievances indefinitely is a bad habit, because (as the title goes) it hurts you more than it hurts them.

…  It is true that living well is the best revenge, and if you’re fanning the flames of your anger toward others for long periods of time, then you’re certainly not living well.”

Can you see the truth in what she says?

Ossie

Photo of Ossie, a Holocaust survivor, dressed in gray slacks with a maroon sweater.

In 2016, I was privileged to speak with a Holocaust survivor named Ossie, for about ½ hour, just the two of us. As we talked, with riveted attention, I soaked in his experiences but mostly absorbed, straight into my heart, some of the lessons he learned through that atrocious experience.  The most memorable to me was the fact that he saw many fellow survivors after the war.  He said the ones who did not forgive were eaten up inside themselves with hatred.  They were consumed with anger and rage, and stayed that way.  Those who forgave went on to live more productive lives.  It was apparent that Ossie had forgiven.

Sharing the Lesson of Forgiveness vs Unforgiveness

Ossie’s first-hand perspective about a principle I already knew to be true, impacted me so much, that, later in the day, after his presentation to High School Students, I asked him to share what he learned about forgiveness with my oldest grandson—hoping that that powerful life lesson from a Holocaust survivor might continue have an impact through the generations in my own family.  The ripple effect of his sharing this powerful life lesson will continue to ripple though many lives—the lives of each student, teacher, or loved one in attendance that day—especially if those stories are written in journals, to be remembered after life gets busy and hectic and things are easily forgotten.

Oprah

Photo of Oprah Winfrey having one of her famous "AH HA" moments.

Oprah Winfrey is a notable public figure whose own eyes were opened to facets of forgiveness she had not thought about before.  Viewed by the world as highly successful, she has been innovative, hard-working and influential which led to her achieving the distinction of being a billionaire.

Whether you agree with her points of view or not, her life story carries within it a particularly poignant example of rising above the odds. Personally, I am an advocate of not judging a person’s life by the chapter I happened to walk in on.  We all have our own sorrow, pains and things we’ve overcome and are still overcoming.  In that spirit, I’d like to share some powerful things Oprah had to say about her transcendent moment and paradigm shift relating to the concept of forgiveness.

Oprah’s Difficult Life Challenges

As a matter of background and according to the Internet Movie Database, Oprah was born to a teenage mother, was raised in abject poverty partially by her grandmother, and she was raped at the age of 9 by a 19-year-old cousin who was babysitting her. She was also sexually abused by a family friend, her mother’s boyfriend, and her uncle. When she was just 14, she gave birth to a baby boy who died after 2 weeks due to complications of being born 2 months premature.

She had a lot in her life that could have held her back, and she had a lot to forgive.  In one of Oprah’s Life Classes on the Oprah Winfrey Network, she said this, “After 25 years and more than 30,000 guests, … it was one man’s definition of forgiveness that changed my life. In her interview, she said, ‘Harold, you mentioned that the secret to really finding true happiness is forgiveness. What do you mean by that?’  Harold responded, ‘It really means letting go of the past.  It really means letting go of our perception that we need to hold a grievance the rest of our lives. If we really want to hold on to grievances, we’ll never really be happy. It’s really a willingness to see the person in the light of love rather than in the action that happened.  So, it’s really changing the perception, and it really means LETTING GO OF THE PAST THAT WE THOUGHT WE WANTED. You know, we can’t really change that past, so it means really releasing the negative perception of it and coming back to the present. [Hold on until you see how this affected Oprah]

Oprah’s Transcendent Moment

Oprah then said, ‘that was a transcendent moment for me. Bigger even than an Ah Ha. He said, FORGIVENESS IS GIVING UP THE HOPE THAT THE PAST COULD BE ANY DIFFERENT.  I think for myself, and I know many of you, you think forgiving means accepting what has happened to you.  Well, it is accepting that it HAS happened to you, not accepting that it was okay for it to happen, it is accepting that it HAS happened, and now, what do I do about it.  Forgiving is giving up the hope, not holding on, hoping, wishing that it could have been any other way than it actually was. Giving up the hope that the past could be any different. And, when I got that, I think it took me to the next level of being a better person because I don’t hold grudges for ANYTHING or any situation! And neither should you. It’s letting go so that the past does not hold YOU prisoner—does not hold YOU hostage.

Watch on YouTube by clicking here.

Oprah is known to have said,
“The best advice touches the part of you that knows it’s true.”

Can you feel the truth of these statements about forgiveness?

The past CANNOT be changed-no matter how much you spend your time and energy wishing it could.  It cannot be different.  It is what it is.

Tyler Perry, shares this.
“When you haven’t forgiven those who’ve hurt you, you turn your back against your future.
When you do forgive, you start walking forward.”

Forgiveness is the way and means by which we do not pull the past into our present moments and project it into the future. It is one significant way we free ourselves from living in bondage to our emotional pain. -Carolyn Calton

Forgiving Can Be Hard

Remember that sometimes you need help outside yourself.  Reach up.  Look toward heaven.

Jesus Christ made possible both repenting (obtaining a change of mind and heart) and being forgiven. He also can empower us to forgive others. God has the power to help you rise above your own perceived capacity to forgive—even with things that sometimes appear unforgivable. I know I have been helped by Him as I have called upon Him in prayer.  He has the power to help you see forgiveness in a different light, if you desire it.

Following God’s laws is what brings happiness, true security and inner peace. Don’t let unforgiveness stand in the way of true happiness and satisfaction at the deepest levels of your soul. Be sure to take care of not only the physical and emotional parts of your “self”, but the spiritual as well. Access the help you need to increase your spiritual vitality and learn to live in harmony with who you really are..

Three Questions Worth Considering

1) Is unforgiveness (a lack of forgiving others) affecting the harmony you could have within yourself, and in that way entangling you and derailing your thinking into unproductive efforts that subtly affect your inner worth, overall?
2) Who do you need to forgive?
3) What will you do with this knowledge?

Turn Your Pain Into Purpose

I’d like to remind you that you might benefit from journaling your thoughts as you process any uncomfortable, yet life-freeing emotions. The JOURNALriffic Method of Journal writing may help you turn your emotional pain into purpose.

Writing out your thoughts on paper or typing them on the computer can help you see clearly and understand what your hurt is all about. It can also help you find the life-changing, sustainable, principle-centered solutions you seek in order to be happy. Turn your back on being stuck in ruminating thoughts about your emotional pain and its cause. Take a step in the right direction. Integrate journal-writing and journal keeping into your emotional health routine today.

YOU are TODAY’s ChangeMaker!

As TODAY’s ChangeMakers in our family lines, we must proactively free ourselves from the prison of unforgiveness. We are here to create positive change in spite of any disruptions or destructive patterns in our lives as well as those stemming from our families of origin. That includes any situations in the past or in spite of what may be occurring in our life or in our family now.

Each of us can ignite the light of extraordinary family purpose in ourselves and our families.  We do it by igniting the light of our own personal power to influence others for good through making principle-centered choices, in order to secure the home and stabilize society.

Check out my class offerings that can help you strengthen your ability to live according to the principles that govern happiness in yourself and in your relationships.  This excerpt has been taken from the Revitalize Your Inner Worth: Get Out of the S.L.U.D.G.E. Class.  Break free and rise above destructive thought patterns, habit patterns and family patterns, so YOU can fill your highest priorities with full purpose of heart.

CLICK HERE to see all free presentations and class offerings.

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Disclosure of material connection: I am the author of JOURNALriffic -Turn Your Pain Into Purpose.

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

Serving people who have hidden heartaches and unresolved personal struggles, Carolyn Calton is the founder of FamilyTreeQuest.com and HealingYourFamily.com. As a ReNEW YOU Self Worth and Relationship Revitalization educator and coach, Carolyn teaches individuals and families how to turn from heartache to happiness in themselves, their families and family lines by understanding how to live true to who they really are as TODAY’s ChangeMakers. Those who join her ReNEW YOU Classes and Joyful Breakthrough Membership Circles learn how to turn stress, anxious-thinking, anger and dysfunction to hope, direction, happiness and peace. She is a teacher and facilitator of principles that can set the hearts of men and women free from the pain and chains of guilt, toxic shame and the effects of oppression. Her students are then empowered to walk forward with courage and confidence as they fill their highest priorities with stability and full purpose of heart.

emotional vitality tip of the day on white tile-like background

Need Emotional Vitality? Use your journal!

ReNEW YOU Emotional Vitality Tip of the Day.  Use your journal!

Turning Pain Into Purpose

Whether you grew up in an intact family or were born into a family that feels broken and full of destructive tendencies and influences, I think we can all agree that somewhere, deep inside us, there is a desire to leave our life story better than we found it.  Somehow, each of us wants to know that our life has meaning and purpose and that our personal existence makes a positive difference in the world.

JOURNALriffic guided-journaling is a perfect match for the needs of those who have experienced the ripple effects of divorce, mistreatment, addiction or abuse.

Harness the power of journaling using the 4 Steps of Discovery!
Get your copy of JOURNALriffic NOW!

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Disclosure of Material Connection: In accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising,” I am disclosing that I am the author of JOURNALriffic, and I’m an affiliate of Amazon.

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

Serving people who have hidden heartaches and unresolved personal struggles, Carolyn Calton is the founder of FamilyTreeQuest.com and HealingYourFamily.com. As a ReNEW YOU Self Worth and Relationship Revitalization educator and coach, Carolyn teaches individuals and families how to turn from heartache to happiness in themselves, their families and family lines by understanding how to live true to who they really are as TODAY’s ChangeMakers. Those who join her ReNEW YOU Classes and Joyful Breakthrough Membership Circles learn how to turn stress, anxious-thinking, anger and dysfunction to hope, direction, happiness and peace. She is a teacher and facilitator of principles that can set the hearts of men and women free from the pain and chains of guilt, toxic shame and the effects of oppression. Her students are then empowered to walk forward with courage and confidence as they fill their highest priorities with stability and full purpose of heart.