Healing Heartache in Family Lines
Greetings! This week is Part 2 or our 3-part series on Co-dependence: The Walking Wounded.
If you missed Part 1, click here.
In co-dependent relationships, people put aside their own vital self-care and innate well-being and values to maintain a relationship with another person. They often feed off the neediness of another or devote all their life’s time and attention to them.
As a reminder from Part 1, Co-dependence is not the same as becoming “one-in-purpose” like in a healthy, harmonious relationship where two people interrelate with each other without losing their sense of individual gifts, strengths and identity and without compromising their values.
I spoke about how most professionals agree that co-dependency is about the loss of self-hood.
John Bradshaw states that “Co-dependency is a condition wherein one has no inner life. Happiness is on the outside. Good feelings and self-validation lie on the outside. Pia Mellody’s definition of co-dependency is “a state of dis – ease whereby the authentic self is unknown or kept hidden, so that a sense of self … of mattering … of esteem and connectedness to others is distorted, creating pain and distorted relationships.”
Think about it, if we keep looking outside ourself to feel like we matter, we face an impossible task and are constantly left unsatisfied since we don’t control, but only influence, the feelings of others. I speak more about this in my book, 3 Steppingstones to Feel Better About Yourself.
Co-dependency can leave men and women feeling like the walking wounded because
in co-dependent relationships people, including couples, who struggle with codependency often try to control each other to get what they want. Control is a form of force, therefore, it does not suit our natural, intuitive desires to bond and connect safely and securely with other individuals. Patterns of manipulation develop, and manipulation is a disguised form of force. Safe, secure bonding promotes the happiness and well-being of both people in the relationship. The force and control found within co-dependent relationships do not achieve that kind of safety and security. It is a false bond that can seem like true connection.
In order to heal heartache in family lines, we must first understand the cause and heal, with God’s help, from the inside out. There can be many causes for the heartache, yet in this series of three messages, we are continuing our discussion of one of those causes, namely, co-dependence.
John Bradshaw in his book Homecoming points out, “To be co-dependent is to be out of touch with one’s feelings, needs and desires,” and “Co-dependence is fostered in unhealthy family systems.”
Co-dependence fosters the loss of self-identity.
As you explore co-dependency, you will notice that freedom from destructive, dead-end generational patterns and beliefs, like co-dependence, makes room for healthy, productive, life-changing progress. The way is not always easy, but it IS possible.
Helpful Terms
Co-dependence should be distinguished as different from the inter-dependence found in healthy relationships.
It is helpful to understand the following terms and the meaning of each.
- Dependent
- Independent
- Inter-dependent
- Co-dependent
We are dependent as babies and in various degrees as we grow—In other words, we need others to be able to get what we want and need. Consider how an infant is dependent on adults to provide for their needs for food, shelter and more.
As we work toward becoming independent, we strive for self-mastery and maturity, or in other words, we seek to become fully responsible for our choices and accountable for their results.
Inter-dependence is combining our efforts with the efforts of others to achieve the highest good of all. When we are inter-dependent, we work together assertively—respecting our own feelings WHIL respecting the feelings of others. (This is not passive and not aggressive)
It’s important to recognize that Independence and Inter-dependence are NOT Selfish
Self-care is a crucial part of renewing our own energy to bring the best we have to offer to the table of cooperative, synergistic effort. It’s important to note that we can take time to edify, nourish and take care of our own mind, body and spirit without jeopardizing our ability to help and serve others. Selfishness is about the attitude and focus we have in serving ourselves in relation to others. Entirely self-focused effort while interacting with others is selfish.
So, let’s discuss co-dependence again
Beth Gilbert, in an article for Everyday Health says, “If your mood, happiness, and identity is defined by another person, then you could be in a codependent relationship. The word “codependency” gets thrown around a lot: There are codependent couples, codependent companions, and codependent caretakers. But what does codependent actually mean — and is it really all that bad?
“Codependency is typically discussed in the context of substance use, where one person is abusing the substance, and he or she depends on the other person to supply money, food, or shelter. But codependency is much broader than that,” says Jonathan Becker, DO, assistant professor of clinical psychiatry at Vanderbilt University in Nashville, Tennessee.
“Codependency can be defined as any relationship in which two people become so invested in each other that they can’t function independently anymore,” Dr. Becker says. “Your mood, happiness, and identity are defined by the other person. In a codependent relationship, there is usually one person who is more passive and can’t make decisions for themselves, and a more dominant personality who gets some reward and satisfaction from controlling the other person and making decisions about how they will live.”
Codependency becomes problematic when one person is taking advantage of the other financially or emotionally,” Becker says.
Do you see any co-dependent traits in yourself?
Remember to listen to for my podcasts, Co-dependence: The Walking Wounded:, Parts 1 and Part 3.
Need help knowing what TO do instead of following co-dependent patterns?
Access the Revitalize Your Inner Worth: Get Out of the S.L.U.D.G.E online course training to view at your own pace. Take a deeper dive into tips, tools and information that can help you make sense out of life. We put generational issues and addictive or abusive family patterns, and more, under the microscope for clarity of understanding. Our message is spreading across the globe. If you haven’t already, please go now and join the ChangeMaker Chain Breaker Phenomenon by JOINING the QUEST at FamilyTreeQuest.com so we can stay connected. We’re waiting for YOU!
As TODAY’s ChangeMaker Chain Breakers in our family lines, we are here to create positive change in spite of any disruptions or destructive patterns in our families of origin or in spite of what may be occurring in our family now.
It is my firm conviction that each of us can ignite the light of extraordinary family purpose in ourselves and our families. We do it by igniting the light of our own personal power to influence others for good through making principle-centered choices in order to secure the home and stabilize society.
Please check out my books, audio books and courses that can help you strengthen your ability to live beyond co-dependence. This excerpt has been taken from the Revitalize Your Inner Worth: Get Out of the S.L.U.D.G.E. Course. Break free and rise above destructive thought patterns, habit patterns and family patterns, so YOU can fill your highest priorities with full purpose of heart.
‘Till next time, THIS is Carolyn Calton
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Disclaimer: Some links in this post are affiliate links or links to my own products.
This information is for educational purposes only and is not intended to replace medical or professional care.
About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton
Serving people who have hidden heartaches and unresolved personal struggles, Carolyn Calton is the founder of FamilyTreeQuest.com and HealingYourFamily.com. As a ReNEW YOU Self Worth and Relationship Revitalization educator and coach, Carolyn teaches individuals and families how to turn from heartache to happiness in themselves, their families and family lines by understanding how to live true to who they really are as TODAY’s ChangeMakers. Those who join her ReNEW YOU Classes and Joyful Breakthrough Membership Circles learn how to turn stress, anxious-thinking, anger and dysfunction to hope, direction, happiness and peace. She is a teacher and facilitator of principles that can set the hearts of men and women free from the pain and chains of guilt, toxic shame and the effects of oppression. Her students are then empowered to walk forward with courage and confidence as they fill their highest priorities with stability and full purpose of heart.
We wish you all the best on the road to creating a beautiful life for yourself and your family.