Category Archives: Mental Health

Co-dependence: The Walking Wounded, Part 2

Healing Heartache in Family Lines

Greetings! This week is Part 2 or our 3-part series on Co-dependence: The Walking Wounded.
If you missed Part 1, click here.

In co-dependent relationships, people put aside their own vital self-care and innate well-being and values to maintain a relationship with another person. They often feed off the neediness of another or devote all their life’s time and attention to them.

As a reminder from Part 1, Co-dependence is not the same as becoming “one-in-purpose” like in a healthy, harmonious relationship where two people interrelate with each other without losing their sense of individual gifts, strengths and identity and without compromising their values.

I spoke about how most professionals agree that co-dependency is about the loss of self-hood.
John Bradshaw states that “Co-dependency is a condition wherein one has no inner life. Happiness is on the outside. Good feelings and self-validation lie on the outside. Pia Mellody’s definition of co-dependency is “a state of dis – ease whereby the authentic self is unknown or kept hidden, so that a sense of self … of mattering … of esteem and connectedness to others is distorted, creating pain and distorted relationships.”

Think about it, if we keep looking outside ourself to feel like we matter, we face an impossible task and are constantly left unsatisfied since we don’t control, but only influence, the feelings of others. I speak more about this in my book, 3 Steppingstones to Feel Better About Yourself.

Co-dependency can leave men and women feeling like the walking wounded because
in co-dependent relationships people, including couples, who struggle with codependency often try to control each other to get what they want. Control is a form of force, therefore, it does not suit our natural, intuitive desires to bond and connect safely and securely with other individuals. Patterns of manipulation develop, and manipulation is a disguised form of force. Safe, secure bonding promotes the happiness and well-being of both people in the relationship. The force and control found within co-dependent relationships do not achieve that kind of safety and security. It is a false bond that can seem like true connection.

In order to heal heartache in family lines, we must first understand the cause and heal, with God’s help, from the inside out. There can be many causes for the heartache, yet in this series of three messages, we are continuing our discussion of one of those causes, namely, co-dependence.

John Bradshaw in his book Homecoming points out, “To be co-dependent is to be out of touch with one’s feelings, needs and desires,” and “Co-dependence is fostered in unhealthy family systems.”

Co-dependence fosters the loss of self-identity.

As you explore co-dependency, you will notice that freedom from destructive, dead-end generational patterns and beliefs, like co-dependence, makes room for healthy, productive, life-changing progress. The way is not always easy, but it IS possible.

Helpful Terms

Co-dependence should be distinguished as different from the inter-dependence found in healthy relationships.

It is helpful to understand the following terms and the meaning of each.

Dependent
Independent
Inter-dependent
Co-dependent

We are dependent as babies and in various degrees as we grow—In other words, we need others to be able to get what we want and need. Consider how an infant is dependent on adults to provide for their needs for food, shelter and more.
As we work toward becoming independent, we strive for self-mastery and maturity, or in other words, we seek to become fully responsible for our choices and accountable for their results.
Inter-dependence is combining our efforts with the efforts of others to achieve the highest good of all. When we are inter-dependent, we work together assertively—respecting our own feelings WHIL respecting the feelings of others. (This is not passive and not aggressive)

It’s important to recognize that Independence and Inter-dependence are NOT Selfish

Self-care is a crucial part of renewing our own energy to bring the best we have to offer to the table of cooperative, synergistic effort. It’s important to note that we can take time to edify, nourish and take care of our own mind, body and spirit without jeopardizing our ability to help and serve others. Selfishness is about the attitude and focus we have in serving ourselves in relation to others. Entirely self-focused effort while interacting with others is selfish.

So, let’s discuss co-dependence again

Beth Gilbert, in an article for Everyday Health says, “If your mood, happiness, and identity is defined by another person, then you could be in a codependent relationship. The word “codependency” gets thrown around a lot: There are codependent couples, codependent companions, and codependent caretakers. But what does codependent actually mean — and is it really all that bad?

“Codependency is typically discussed in the context of substance use, where one person is abusing the substance, and he or she depends on the other person to supply money, food, or shelter. But codependency is much broader than that,” says Jonathan Becker, DO, assistant professor of clinical psychiatry at Vanderbilt University in Nashville, Tennessee.

“Codependency can be defined as any relationship in which two people become so invested in each other that they can’t function independently anymore,” Dr. Becker says. “Your mood, happiness, and identity are defined by the other person. In a codependent relationship, there is usually one person who is more passive and can’t make decisions for themselves, and a more dominant personality who gets some reward and satisfaction from controlling the other person and making decisions about how they will live.”

Codependency becomes problematic when one person is taking advantage of the other financially or emotionally,” Becker says.

Do you see any co-dependent traits in yourself?

Remember to listen to for my podcasts, Co-dependence: The Walking Wounded:, Parts 1 and Part 3.

Need help knowing what TO do instead of following co-dependent patterns?

Access the Revitalize Your Inner Worth: Get Out of the S.L.U.D.G.E online course training to view at your own pace. Take a deeper dive into tips, tools and information that can help you make sense out of life. We put generational issues and addictive or abusive family patterns, and more, under the microscope for clarity of understanding. Our message is spreading across the globe. If you haven’t already, please go now and join the ChangeMaker Chain Breaker Phenomenon by JOINING the QUEST at FamilyTreeQuest.com so we can stay connected. We’re waiting for YOU!

As TODAY’s ChangeMaker Chain Breakers in our family lines, we are here to create positive change in spite of any disruptions or destructive patterns in our families of origin or in spite of what may be occurring in our family now.

It is my firm conviction that each of us can ignite the light of extraordinary family purpose in ourselves and our families. We do it by igniting the light of our own personal power to influence others for good through making principle-centered choices in order to secure the home and stabilize society.

Please check out my books, audio books and courses that can help you strengthen your ability to live beyond co-dependence. This excerpt has been taken from the Revitalize Your Inner Worth: Get Out of the S.L.U.D.G.E. Course. Break free and rise above destructive thought patterns, habit patterns and family patterns, so YOU can fill your highest priorities with full purpose of heart.

‘Till next time, THIS is Carolyn Calton

Click here to go to Part 3.

***
Disclaimer: Some links in this post are affiliate links or links to my own products.
This information is for educational purposes only and is not intended to replace medical or professional care.

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

Serving people who have hidden heartaches and unresolved personal struggles, Carolyn Calton is the founder of FamilyTreeQuest.com and HealingYourFamily.com. As a ReNEW YOU Self Worth and Relationship Revitalization educator and coach, Carolyn teaches individuals and families how to turn from heartache to happiness in themselves, their families and family lines by understanding how to live true to who they really are as TODAY’s ChangeMakers. Those who join her ReNEW YOU Classes and Joyful Breakthrough Membership Circles learn how to turn stress, anxious-thinking, anger and dysfunction to hope, direction, happiness and peace. She is a teacher and facilitator of principles that can set the hearts of men and women free from the pain and chains of guilt, toxic shame and the effects of oppression. Her students are then empowered to walk forward with courage and confidence as they fill their highest priorities with stability and full purpose of heart.

Co-dependence: The Walking Wounded, Part 1

Listen to my podcast by clicking play above.

Greetings! Today’s topic is Co-dependence: The Walking Wounded, part 1 of 3 parts.

Co-dependence is a quality that is prevalent when a person is exposed to consistent dysfunction in relationships. It is being excessively dependent on another person in an unhealthy way for validation, approval or identity.

We are gathering in the TODAY’s ChangeMaker Chain Breaker Phenomenon to break cycles of dysfunction, chaos and unpredictability in order to heal physically, emotionally and spiritually
so we no longer feel like the walking wounded who are lost in a sea of uncertainty and wandering without purpose or direction. Sometimes, we realize and know that we have never been taught the principles that lead to lasting happiness.

We all have an innate need for warm, caring, loving relationships. Then, how do we end up feeling like the walking wounded who have painful and sometimes tragic lives?
Understanding co-dependence can begin to unlock some very troubling and often unanswered questions.

Questions from the Walking Wounded

How do we become men or women who feel out of touch with our own feelings, needs and desires?
How did we become full of self-doubts? Why are some of us continually longing for something more than experiencing fear, shame, loneliness, depression, anxious-thinking, or deep sadness that seem to encompass our very soul?
What happened to our spontaneous sense of wonder and to our natural creativity?
What happened to our happiness and why?

Well, We All Need Security and Healthy Modeling of Emotions

John Bradshaw offers an explanation relating to children, but since we need healthy modeling of emotions all during our lives, I believe this information can be appreciated and related to as applying to adults, at times of departure from our true worth, as well as to children.

In your mind, imagine two pictures of a 14-year-old boy.
The first picture shows a teenager whose home is full of distress, and the next teen represents a child that has a healthier home environment.
The first youth is sitting on a sofa with knees bent and his feet up on the sofa. His arms are folded on his knees and his head is resting on his arms. You cannot see his eyes but know he’s very sad, discouraged and he may have no idea what to do.
The next child is smiling from ear to ear. His hands are simply folded in front of him because he’s posing for a picture.
The contrast between the two is striking and the emotion of each child is evident. One is terribly sad, distraught and discouraged, vs the other, who is happy, almost joyful and free to be who he was created to be.

According to Bradshaw in his book Homecoming, he says quote “Children need security and healthy modeling of emotions in order to understand their own inner signals. They also need help in separating their thoughts from their feelings.” He points out how, when the child experiences extreme distress or trauma in the family environment , “the child must focus solely on the outside. Over time, he loses the ability to generate self-esteem from within. Without a healthy inner life, one is exiled to trying to find fulfillment on the outside. This is co-dependence

So, What is Co-dependence?

Bradshaw goes on to say, quote “To be codependent is to be out of touch with one’s feelings, needs and desires.” End quote

Co-dependence is not the same as becoming “one-in-purpose” like in a healthy, harmonious relationship where two people interrelate with each other without losing their sense of individual gifts, strengths and identity and without compromising their values.

In co-dependent relationships, people put aside their own vital self-care and innate well-being and values to maintain a relationship with another. They often feed off the neediness of another or devote all their life’s time and attention to them.

As you’re growing up or, even as an adult, when you trust and depend on someone that’s, in reality, not dependable, you can develop co-dependence without even knowing it. Emotional deficits begin to exist. Painful patterns of behavior develop. Co-dependency can develop even if you’ve had a peaceful upbringing. It can begin even if you’re bringing your own best efforts to a relationship and are willing to do what it takes to create harmony and fun.

When things aren’t going like you expected, you just recognize something’s off, but may not be able to put your finger on exactly what’s going wrong.

Let’s talk about The Loss of Self-hood

In a PBS special long ago, John Bradshaw used a mobile, which is kind of like a wind chime, to illustrate what happens in co-dependent relationships. The mobile is at rest, yet when one piece is tugged on, all the other pieces, of necessity, move. That’s how it is in a family system. If there’s someone with control issues, anger issues or addictions and so forth, the whole system is out of balance and strives to regain equilibrium again.

Most professionals agree that co-dependency is about the LOSS of self-hood. Bradshaw also states that “Co-dependency is a condition wherein one has no inner life. Happiness is on the outside. Good feelings and self-validation lie on the outside. Pia Mellody’s definition of co-dependency is “a state of dis – ease whereby the authentic self is unknown or kept hidden, so that a sense of self … of mattering … of esteem and connectedness to others is distorted, creating pain and distorted relationships.”

Bradshaw also says, “Co-dependence is fostered in unhealthy family systems. For example, everyone in an alcoholic family becomes co-dependent on the alcoholic’s drinking. The alcoholic father is absorbed in drinking and the codependent mother is absorbed with the alcoholic. Because the drinking is so life-threatening to each family member, they adapt by becoming chronically alert (which is called being hypervigilant). Adaptation to stress was intended by nature to be a temporary state. It was never intended to be chronic. Over time, a person living with the chronic distress of alcoholic behavior loses touch with his own internal cues—his own feelings, needs, and desires. The same is true for any … chronic distress, including addictions to work or …activities, eating disorders, addictions to control or perfectionism, or mental or physical illness.”

So, What’s Next?

Watch for Co—dependence: The Walking Wounded, Parts 2 and Part 3.

Do you need help knowing what TO do instead of following co-dependent patterns?

Access the Revitalize Your Inner Worth: Get Out of the S.L.U.D.G.E. online course trainings to view at your own pace. Take a deeper dive into tips, tools and information that can help you make sense out of life. We put generational issues and addictive or abusive family patterns, and more, under the microscope for clarity of understanding. AND, if you haven’t already, please go now and join the ChangeMaker Chain Breaker Phenomenon by JOINING the QUEST at FamilyTreeQuest.com so we can stay connected. We’re waiting for YOU!

As TODAY’s ChangeMakers in our family lines, we are here to create positive change in spite of any disruptions or destructive patterns in our families of origin or in spite of what may be occurring in our family now.

‘Till next time, THIS is Carolyn Calton

***
Disclaimer: Some links in this post are affiliate links or links to my own products.
This information is for educational purposes only and is not intended to replace medical or professional care.

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

Family Traditions: Out With the Bad, In With the Good

Our family traditions help create our family patterns

I contributed a chapter called THE IMPORTANCE OF FAMILY TRADITIONS to Jennifer Jones Smith’s book 12 Weeks to Greater Peace, Joy & Love in Your Family. I will be using some of those thoughts, along with some adaptations, here.

I wrote, “Traditions are a way of passing family values through the generations. Because what happens at home extends into society and then into the world, it’s important that we examine patterns in our daily interactions with family members and carefully consider creating healthy traditions at home. The words, thoughts and opinions of our family members, during daily living as well as during traditional holiday celebrations and events, have a great impact of our own feelings about who we are and what we have to contribute to our family and the world. If our family patterns are uplifting and edifying, we tend to feel strengthened and view the family as important, loving, and a place we want to be. If our repetitive patterns of interacting with each other are full of put-downs, sarcasm and prejudices, we have little or no desire to try to connect in meaningful ways again and, almost unknowingly because of repetitive exposure to distress and chaos we can begin to pass on unhealthy behavioral patterns to new generations because of the modeling that stems from our own family of origin.

OUT WITH THE BAD. IN WITH THE GOOD.

… we can be very resistant to change. However, it is well-worth examining our own [ways of interacting with family members and take a look at the ingrained patterns we’re establishing. Let’s notice the way we relate to others and the way others relate to us. When doing this with a sincere desire to improve, we can take an objective, rather than critical, view of ourselves and our relatives. When we come to understand the truth of what is really happening, we position ourselves to make choices that foster our well-being and the highest good for all concerned.

Our feelings about ourselves shape our lives. Many, if not most, people never question or take more than a superficial look at how they act and what they really do because it’s so familiar. By establishing healthy daily interactions, then when it comes to celebrating family seasonal traditions, individuals have something to look forward to and are left with feelings that each family member is important, cared about and valued by the others. Thus, we establish healthy family bonds of love, mutual admiration and respect. We also come to feel positive self-worth, and we notice an increase in our sense of family responsibility.

In homes spilling over with daily dysfunction, however, there are far too many family members who know, from past experience, that the upcoming seasonal traditions connected to a holiday celebration are nothing to “celebrate”. In fact, the very thought of them triggers feelings of dread by many children due to former family patterns of adult neglect or abuse from which they feel there is no escape. When destructive influences are present, homes become rampant with disrespect, criticism and shame. Children from such homes often feel bewildered, disillusioned or even hopeless and helpless. In an all-too-common example where dad gets drunk and ends up verbally or physically abusing mom and/or the children. It’s time to let go and eliminate these false “traditions of the fathers” and establish new traditions because “that which is familiar is not always that which is best”.

YOU CAN

Unless conscious choices are made to create change, history will tend to repeat itself in our family lines. EACH INDIVIDUAL can be the change catalyst their family line has been waiting for. Some, more than others, have heavier burdens to carry because of their families of origin, yet everyone has the capacity to create positive change from their own generation forward. By living mindfully in our present moments, we can ALL overcome obstacles and be a positive influence. We can continue making choices and establishing traditions that are uplifting, fun and encouraging to our family members, and we can eliminate those that are not.

I spoke of 2 types of traditions. 1) daily routines, and 2) holiday traditions.:

Daily Routines

Some of us fail to see our daily routines as being part of what can be considered “traditions of the fathers”, but if seen for the benefits they hold, these traditional routines can be a major source of stability, structure and add to feelings of safety and security within a home.

Since my children were very young, I encouraged many traditional routine interactions. We say please and thank you, send holiday greeting cards and thank you notes when gifts are given, mail birth announcements when babies are born, knock on a family member’s door and wait for an answer before entering their room, and use courteous speech and respectful interactions with others. We say our personal and family prayers, attend church weekly, say a blessing on the food to name a few. We worked on consistency, rather than perfection. Each family member also had daily work-in-the-house or yard responsibilities. Now they are raised, some of my children have maintained these routines, and some have not.
Seasonal Holiday Traditions

Our holiday traditions were among our favorite times– beginning with decorations around the house and on the front door to match the season. When some of my children had moved away, it became a time of gathering the family back together. We were by no means a perfect family, but to give you an idea of some of the more positive things that were part of our celebrations, I offer these thoughts.Music played almost constantly in our home. I prepared traditional foods which create memorable smells and reminders of the familiar feeling of “home for the holidays”. I tried to prepare by buying supplies a few weeks early and scheduling time on the calendar to pull out the plastic tubs of decorations from storage so all those involved in helping will not be surprised with last minute interruptions to their own plans. I hope that these elements of birthdays and other holiday celebrations, added to happy memories for my children.

Here are a few tips for establishing healthy, happy family patterns and traditions: (Some of which I learned the hard way)

DAILY:

Decide to integrate some specific, healthy, stabilizing daily routines.
Encourage healthy self-worth in each family member, including yourself, by avoiding negative comments and negative self-talk and criticism.
Don’t rush. Take time to validate the thoughts and feelings of children as well as adults.
Let go of any unrealistic expectations you may have of yourself or others.
“If you can’t turn the corners up, let the middle sag.”- Unknown
Have Courage. Use loving Diligence. Create Excellence.

SEASONAL TRADITIONS:

Remember that no family is perfect, so imperfection is part of every attempt while creating something new.
Be patient while you and your family try to achieve more harmony and happiness together.
Look for the good.
Capture memories with pictures, video and write about it in journals or scrapbooks.
Have fun! Laugh a lot. Create joyful memories.
Evaluate what went well and what didn’t. Integrate the success into your next event. Build on that.

If this hasn’t been your pattern, TURN it around and take the first step in creating something new.

Worth Every Effort

With each new day comes new opportunities to create positive change. Although we cannot control the actions of others, we do have influence in their lives. I have found that it is worth every effort to consciously decide to create positive family patterns, traditions and wonderful memories by using the power of one’s own positive influence. We thereby do our part to create positive change–which best serves our family today and also greatly benefits future generations.

YOU are TODAY’s ChangeMaker!

As TODAY’s ChangeMakers in our family lines, we are here to create positive change in spite of any disruptions or destructive patterns in our families of origin or in spite of what may be occurring in our family now.

Each of us can ignite the light of extraordinary family purpose in ourselves and our families. We do it by igniting the light of our own personal power to influence others for good through making principle-centered choices, in order to secure the home and stabilize society.

Check out my class offerings that can help you strengthen your ability to live according to the principles that govern happiness in yourself and in your relationships. This excerpt has been taken from the Revitalize Your Inner Worth: Get Out of the S.L.U.D.G.E. Class. Break free and rise above destructive thought patterns, habit patterns and family patterns, so YOU can fill your highest priorities with full purpose of heart.

CLICK HERE to see all free presentations and class offerings.

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

Dead-end Traditions? A Tip to Use While Replacing Them

Dead-end traditions

Freedom from detrimental, dead-end traditions that stem from destructive generational patterns and beliefs makes room for healthy, productive, life-changing progress. The way is not always easy, but it IS possible.

As mentioned in a previous post titled, Traditions That Help, Rather Than Hurt, Families, we want to find ways to preserve our past without compromising our present. Sometimes that takes a change at the level of tradition, and breaking destructive traditions can seem like you are no longer loyal to the family—which can be extremely painful. Sometimes breaking those patterns can feel like we’re abandoning the family rather than improving the family for the sake of the living as well as those yet to come into your family line. This too, must be seen in the light of truth, or the fear of abandonment can shut you down.

Some traditions that tear down rather than build up individuals and families are:

Any tradition in which control or dominion is exerted one against another individual or group
Traditions that breed addiction
Anything based on the power of force
Looking down on others due one’s so-called station in life, their ethnicity or feelings of superiority
Anything that breeds conflict one person or one group against another
Traditions that lead to prejudice, jealousy, hatred, lack of forgiveness, greed, and so forth
Traditions that foster harsh words and criticisms, contentions, bickering and sarcasm

In our busy world, some of our positive traditions are part of activities where we can spend meaningful, healthy, uplifting time with our family members.

Tip for keeping your mental focus while developing new traditions

Tip: Remember, you can love your family members AND be true to who you really are and to what you feel called to do. Think about the words Or / And.

What happens when it comes to ourselves and breaking destructive family traditions that may seem like family loyalty is that we often think in terms of “OR” rather than thinking about using the word “AND”.

Example of OR thinking:
Using the example of a family in which the addiction of alcoholism is present, an example of this would be thinking “I can either drink with my family OR be shunned and disconnected if I don’t.

Example of AND thinking:
An example of AND thinking would be considering, “I can spend time with my family AND I can choose to not drink myself.”

“OR” thinking is usually fear-based, and keeps you stuck in negative traditions. It keeps destructive, non-productive patterns going strong.

“AND” thinking allows a person to break free and rise above destructive traditions and begin to thrive. This begins to set positive patterns for the present and future generations to follow. It gives family lines a chance that they may not have had without your courage and diligent effort which grows into your substantial, positive influence. Just think of it! YOURs may be the spark that ignites generations of power, and your courage and influence can make a profound difference in ways you do not see.

INspired Action Step

If this concept resonates with you and could positively impact your life, try this exercise:

1) Consider a painful, present-moment experience in which you feel stuck in a relationship or family tradition.
2) Write 5 sentences using the word OR in the middle, such as _________ OR _________. Example, “I can either drink with my family OR be shunned and disconnected if I don’t.”
3) Then, write 5 sentences using the word AND in the middle. Example, “I can spend time with my family AND I can choose to not drink myself.”

Remember, you can only choose how you show up and cannot control how another person responds or reacts to your choice. Being centered and anchored in your own purpose and INtention, as reflected in your AND statements, will strengthen you as you carry on, come what may.

Be sure to watch for the Healing Your Family blog post titled, Family Traditions. Out With the Bad. In With the Good.

YOU are TODAY’s ChangeMaker!

Check out my class offerings that can help you strengthen your ability to live according to the principles that govern happiness in yourself and in your relationships. This excerpt has been taken from the Revitalize Your Inner Worth: Get Out of the S.L.U.D.G.E. Class. Break free and rise above destructive thought patterns, habit patterns and family patterns, so YOU can fill your highest priorities with full purpose of heart.

CLICK HERE to see all free presentations and class offerings.

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

Traditions That Help, Rather Than Hurt, Families

Traditions and personal freedom

Traditions directly link to personal freedom. It would be wise to make choices connected to our traditions, that will help, and not hurt, ourselves and our families. Freedom from destructive, dead-end generational patterns and beliefs makes room for healthy, productive, life-changing progress. The way is not always easy, but it IS possible.

A word about tradition

Maybe you remember the movie Fiddler on the Roof.
An online film synopsis states that the movie “tells the life-affirming story of Tevye, a poor milkman [with five daughters] whose love, pride and faith help him face the oppression of turn-of-the century czarist Russia. Set in 1905, their lives seemed as precarious as ‘a fiddler on the roof.”

In these memorable lines from the movie, Tevye says,

“A fiddler on the roof. Sounds crazy, no? But in our little village of Anatevka, you might say every one of us is a fiddler on the roof, trying to scratch out a pleasant, simple tune without breaking his neck. It isn’t easy. You may ask, why do we stay up here if it’s so dangerous? We stay because Anatevka is our home. And how do we keep our balance? That I can tell you in a word—tradition!

Because of our traditions, we’ve kept our balance for many, many years. Here in Anatevka we have traditions for everything—how to eat, how to sleep, how to wear clothes. For instance, we always keep our heads covered and always wear a little prayer shawl. This shows our constant devotion to God. You may ask, how did this tradition start? I’ll tell you—I don’t know! But it’s a tradition. Because of our traditions, everyone knows who he is and what God expects him to do.”

Help, don’t hurt

Because traditions become such an inherent part of us and they are followed and accepted, often without thinking about it, it may be hard to evaluate between their constructive or destructive impact in our lives. They’re simply familiar! We want to help and not hurt ourselves and others, therefore, it’s incumbent upon each of us to find ways to cherish and value positive traditions from our ethnic, cultural, or national heritages. Yet, we must be mindful of those that tear down and destroy self-worth and relationships and find the courage and tenacity to create more positive results instead. This is what truly benefits humanity. After all, isn’t it right that each generation improve and build better, brighter tomorrows as they stand on the shoulders of those who came before them? Usually, that’s what our ancestors would want so that their sacrifices would not have been in vain.

Some traditions that tear down rather than build up individuals and families are:

Any tradition in which control or dominion is exerted one against another individual or group
Traditions that breed addiction
Anything based on the power of force
Looking down on others due one’s so-called station in life, their ethnicity or feelings of superiority
Anything that breeds conflict one person or one group against another
Traditions that lead to prejudice, jealousy, hatred, lack of forgiveness, greed, and so forth
Traditions that foster harsh words and criticisms, contentions, bickering and sarcasm

In our busy world, some of our positive traditions are part of activities where we can spend meaningful, healthy, uplifting time with our family members.

Dieter F. Uchtdorf puts it nicely when he says, “If we fail to give our best personal self and undivided time to those who are truly important to us, one day we will regret it.” “Let us resolve to cherish those we love by spending meaningful time with them, doing things together and cultivating treasured memories.”

Elevate your traditions

Making a break from the chains of false or destructive traditions can be hard. There can be naysayers and those who criticize or persecute. Some friends or family members may turn away or argue that you’re wrong—possibly causing self-doubts or fears. But, I believe, that deep within us there is an inner knowing of what is ours to do, and if elevating a tradition for ourselves and future generations is part of our life’s mission, then we will find he wherewithal to stay the course.

When the effort to change traditions becomes hard, remember that at birth, your spirit came from the presence of God—as the poet Wordsworth says, “trailing clouds of glory”. So, your ultimate Heritage of Wholeness comes from you being HIS son or HIS daughter. Therefore, the wisest course of action is to remain loyal to traditions that accurately reflect His teachings. Those decisions will bring you true happiness and the greatest inner peace.

After all, we want to find ways to preserve our past without compromising our present. Sometimes that takes a change at the level of tradition, and breaking destructive traditions can seem like you are no longer loyal to the family—which can be extremely painful. Sometimes breaking those patterns can feel like we’re abandoning the family rather than improving the family for the sake of the living as well as those yet to come into your family line. This too, must be seen in the light of truth, or the fear of abandonment can shut you down.

YOU are TODAY’s ChangeMaker!

Check out these class offerings that can help you strengthen your ability to live according to the principles that govern happiness in yourself and in your relationships. This excerpt has been taken from the Revitalize Your Inner Worth: Get Out of the S.L.U.D.G.E. Class. Break free and rise above destructive thought patterns, habit patterns and family patterns, so YOU can fill your highest priorities with full purpose of heart.

CLICK HERE to see all free presentations and class offerings.

References:
[“Fiddler on the Roof,” in Great Musicals of the American Theatre, ed. Stanley Richards, vol. 1 (Radnor, Pennsylvania: Chilton Book Company, 1973), p. 393]

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

Holiday Time and Traditions of the Fathers

Holiday time- What’s it like for you?

Holiday time can be an amazing and fun time…or not. Memories of “Christmas Past” can help us or haunt us—depending upon our life experiences, many of which have to do with our families of origin.

As we touched on in a previous post titled Family Trees- Inter-generational Patterns and You, our family systems have a huge effect on our belief systems—which influence how we spend the holidays and what we do in our traditional celebrations.

Traditions of the Fathers

The values and beliefs we pick up from those in our family line who went before us are often referred to as “the traditions of the fathers”. These traditions are family patterns. In other words, their values, thought patterns and habit patterns have had an influence on us. Because everyone is human, their influence usually includes both positives and negatives in different proportions for each individual.

As you may know, on the internet, I am known as Family Tree Gal. I love to say, “As we value our history, it becomes clear how we can become our best, most happy and capable selves. We learn what personal character traits contribute to strong, safe, secure family relationships, and, in contrast, we can see what detracts from and destroys them. This knowledge helps us develop a healthy concern about contributing positively to the future of our own family line.”

INfluence

Most families have within them combinations of good influences as well as areas that need lots of improvement. Some family patterns and traditions influence us for good such as traditions of families gathering together for happy holiday celebrations, or saying please and thank you and treating yourself and others with kindness and respect. We can develop patterns of patriotism, faith, prayer and qualities of character such as honesty, trustworthiness, responsibility, fairness, caring and civility.

Some family patterns get in our way

In contrast to happy Christmas celebrations, there are those children who may even be adults now, that get sick to their stomach knowing a family celebration is coming, because, let’s say for example, Dad gets drunk and, although things are okay for awhile, he ends up abusing [either verbally or physically] mom and/or the children.

Children begin to take on personal beliefs that are out of alignment with their true identity as a child of God with a divine nature and purpose for living and contributing to their family and humanity. Their inner worth is affected in serious ways. Using the example above, they may begin to believe, for instance, that

they don’t matter or
they are not important or
what they see as “love” draws them to conclude that “love” hurts
or that men can’t be trusted,

Some patterns of thinking and being that result from these influences become habits and may be so familiar to us that they are not even called into question. Any consistent action that leads to prejudice, jealousy, hatred, lack of forgiveness, greed and other negative energies would fall into this category. Frequent harsh words and criticisms, contentions, bickering and sarcasm can become what we view as normal in family relationships if that’s what we’re constantly exposed to in the environment at home.

YOU are TODAY’s ChangeMaker!

Check out these class offerings that can help you strengthen your ability to live according to the principles that govern happiness in yourself and in your relationships. This excerpt has been taken from the Revitalize Your Inner Worth: Get Out of the S.L.U.D.G.E. Class. That class was created especially for highly frustrated or deeply discouraged men and women who have experienced the disruptive ripple effects of divorce (as an adult or child), mistreatment, addiction or abuse that has touched their lives, their family or is found anywhere in their family lines. Break free and rise above destructive thought patterns, habit patterns and family patterns, so YOU can fill your highest priorities with full purpose of heart.

CLICK HERE to see all free presentations and class offerings.

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

Family Trees: Inter-generational Patterns and You

Personal and Family freedom: Heal yourself to heal your Family

Freedom from destructive, dead-end generational patterns and beliefs makes room for healthy, productive, life-changing progress. The way is not always easy, but it IS possible.

Especially at holiday time where traditions take center stage:

Do know that family patterns and belief systems are at work influencing your life today?

How is that so?

Why does it matter?

Parents influence our habits, skills, values, language, mannerisms, the way we treat others and more. Our ancestors have passed down their own perceptions about life, love and happiness (among a myriad of other things) to their children for many generations. Whether we know it or not, we are influenced by their ways of thinking, behaving and believing.

How Your Inter-generational Family Influences Your Life Today

It’s important to recognize that we all have perceptions in our present day that have largely been influenced by our inter-generational family. These include perceptions about people, relationships, education, service, religion, devotions to family, devotion to country, and so forth. These perceptions are like seeds that grow into our family patterns and belief systems.

In her book, Feelings Buried Alive Never Die, Karol Truman said, “The perceptions that created our beliefs, and the degree to which they were validated, soon determined the PATTERN, or the road map, which we have followed throughout our life.”

Why It Matters

Your own perceptions of life, love and happiness then influence every daily choice you make. Like smooth stones cast into a perfectly still lake, your choices, both positive and negative, influence many generations after you through their ripple effect. What happens in your home then extends to society and impacts society and the world, therefore, it is imperative that you pay attention to what happens in your home.

I once penned this little verse:
Secure the home, secure society.
Stabilize the home, stabilize society.
Don’t let chaos reign supreme.
~Carolyn Calton

CLICK HERE to see all free presentations and class offerings.

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

Create a Bountiful Harvest of Goodness in Your Family

My Yearly Harvest-time Tip:
Create a bountiful harvest of goodness. Yes, you!

Dieter F, Uchtdorf has said, “Perhaps you don’t consider yourself all that useful; perhaps you don’t consider yourself a blessing in somebody’s life. Often, when we look at ourselves, we see only our limitations and deficiencies. We might think we have to be “more” of something for God to use us—more intelligent, more wealthy, more charismatic, more talented, more spiritual. Blessings will come not so much because of your abilities but because of your choices. And the God of the universe will work within and through you, magnifying your humble efforts for his purposes. How encouraging it is to know, though we are imperfect, if our hearts are turned to God, He will be generous and kind and use us for His purposes. No matter your position in your community…, God will use you, if you are wiling. He will magnify your righteous desires and turn the compassionate actions you sow into a bountiful harvest of goodness.

If you need help getting a grip by discovering or revitalizing your inner sense of self-worth, check out this class training: Revitalize Your Inner Worth: Get Out of the S.L.U.D.G.E.
1) The COMPLETE class is designed for deeply discouraged or highly frustrated men and women who have experienced the disruptive ripple effects of divorce, mistreatment, addiction and/or abuse in themselves (as a child or adult), or in their family or family lines.
2) The MINI CLASS zeros in on the basics of elevating thought patterns, habit patterns and family patterns.
Check out all my class offerings by CLICKING HERE.

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

Styles of Journal Writing. Which is Best for You?

The kinds of journals people keep are many and varied. They include gratitude journals, poetry journals, reading journals, journals written by topic, family journals, nature journals, personal development journals, meditation and devotion journals and more.

There are different styles of journal keeping that range from more traditional writing to writing in creative journals, complete with pictures and art. Choose any type of blank journal you like. There is a large selection of journals on the market. You can also choose blank books or create your own journal from a binder or spiral bound notebook. If you like art, you can decorate your own cover, but what’s really important is what you write inside.

The JOURNALriffic method of journal-keeping sets itself apart from the rest. With JOURNALriffic you will have, at your fingertips, a guided-journaling method to use when you want to conserve your emotional energy and settle an issue quickly in your mind. You will be following universal principles that govern happy relationships instead of staying stuck in criticism, blame, shame, stress or anxiety. Use it when you know that you don’t know what to do next as well as when you want to easily keep a daily record of your life as TODAY’s ChangeMaker—one who desires to elevate your thought patterns, habit patterns and family patterns in order to help, and not hurt, yourself and others.

Daily journal writing, the JOURNALriffic way leads to

Less stress
- Healthier relationships
- Confidence
- Positive self-development
- Clarity of your life’s purpose
- Greater peace of mind

JOURNALriffic guided-journaling is a perfect match for the needs of those who have experienced the ripple effects of divorce, mistreatment, addiction or abuse.

There are so many reasons to write in your journal. What suits your purposes, and which is best for you?

ReNEW YOU Emotional Vitality Tip of the Day

Use JOURNALriffic- Turn Your Pain Into Purpose With 4 Steps of Discovery to help you turn stress, anxious-thinking, anger and dysfunction, to hope, direction, happiness and peace. Get your copy today!

*****
Disclosure of Material Connection: In accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising,” I am disclosing that I am the author of JOURNALriffic, and I’m an affiliate of Amazon.

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

Are you angry, afraid or ashamed?

Are you sometimes downright angry, afraid or ashamed?

Try this ReNEW YOU Emotional Vitality Tip of the Day.

Write in a journal to give your feelings a voice. There is no need to deny or repress what you truly feel when you write it on paper or type it on a computer.

Once expressed use the JOURNALriffic Method—the 4 Steps of Discovery. You will be able to choose for yourself how to move through your emotions toward solutions in a proactive, rather than reactive manner.

I developed the JOURNALriffic Method from a pattern that has worked for me through many years of some of my life’s most difficult trials. I am well-acquainted with blighted hopes, shattered dreams and unfulfilled desires both individually and with my family’s circumstances, yet I’ve learned to be positive and happy by choice. I’ve also dealt with lingering physical challenges and constant pain as a result of three car accidents. Although I’ve faced times of extreme disappointment and much of my life hasn’t turned out like I planned, I continue to find solutions to challenges, and I still love my life because I stay engaged in the process of creating a happy one.

With JOURNALriffic, you will address thoughts as they come up as a result of your present experiences. The idea is to work through your emotions and challenges and consistently work toward turning your weaknesses into strengths and enjoying your life. You will come to understand who you really are in light of the truth that no matter your past choices or experiences, you are not your history. You will begin to clearly see that you create your life in your present moments. Each day is a new beginning and holds countless opportunities for enjoyment, peace and the satisfying rewards of unselfish love.

Dr. Ronald Newsom gets right to the bottom line of defining your true identity when he says, “You are a good, unique person, endowed by your Creator, with sovereign [self-governing] power to act as a free, independent agent.”¹
You have the intrinsic, God-given power to act and not be acted upon. With the help of JOURNALriffic, you will learn to use that power to move quickly through the process of aligning your thoughts, feelings and actions with your innate, individual worth. By doing so, you will ignite the proactive power within you which ignites the power of generations and provides far-reaching benefits. As you stay actively engaged in leaving your life story better than you found it, your doubts, insecurities, limitations and fears will diminish. You can proceed with vigor on the path that enables you to contribute your positive influence to the lives of those around you in your present moments.

It is my hope that you will benefit from this method of journaling so that you can extend your positive influence toward others in such a way that you will feel great satisfaction while taking deliberate action steps to experience more joy as you proactively create lasting happiness.

Use JOURNALriffic- Turn Your Pain Into Purpose With 4 Steps of Discovery to help you turn stress, anxious-thinking, anger and dysfunction, to hope, direction, happiness and peace.

***
1Newsom, Dr. Ronald. Life, Liberty, Happiness: Rediscovering Your True Identity. n.p. April 2013. Print

Disclosure of Material Connection: In accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising,” I am disclosing that I am the author of JOURNALriffic, and I’m an affiliate of Amazon.

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

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Questions from the Walking Wounded

Well, We All Need Security and Healthy Modeling of Emotions

So, What is Co-dependence?

Let’s talk about The Loss of Self-hood

So, What’s Next?

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Our family traditions help create our family patterns

OUT WITH THE BAD. IN WITH THE GOOD.

YOU CAN

Here are a few tips for establishing healthy, happy family patterns and traditions: (Some of which I learned the hard way)

Worth Every Effort

YOU are TODAY’s ChangeMaker!

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

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Dead-end traditions

Tip for keeping your mental focus while developing new traditions

INspired Action Step

YOU are TODAY’s ChangeMaker!

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Traditions and personal freedom

A word about tradition

Help, don’t hurt

Elevate your traditions

YOU are TODAY’s ChangeMaker!

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Holiday time- What’s it like for you?

Traditions of the Fathers

INfluence

Some family patterns get in our way

YOU are TODAY’s ChangeMaker!

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

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About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

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My Yearly Harvest-time Tip: Create a bountiful harvest of goodness. Yes, you!

About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

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About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

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About Family Tree Gal, Carolyn Calton Carolyn Calton

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My Yearly Harvest-time Tip:
Create a bountiful harvest of goodness. Yes, you!